Coming out countdown - Empty Closets - A safe online community for gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered people coming out

55butnotalive · 7th Jan 2012, 10:22 PM

Well, I'm less than a week from the day I tell my 3 adult children (31, 30, 27) that their good old dad is gay!!

Just a quick recap: My wife of 35 years found out I was having sex with men almost 3 years ago. I pleaded bisexuality, and have been faithful to her since that day. After these 3 years of stress, I finally came out to her in November and she's been very supportive. We've decided to divorce.

I thought it might be helpful to keep an ongoing log of my thoughts and feelings leading up to when we tell our kids, family, and freinds. So here goes:

1/7/12
Next weekend we will tell all three kids. We had thought about getting them all together, but decided to tell them separately instead. It was mostly a matter of logistics.

Friday we'll tell our middle daughter, who was living with us at the time my wife found out 3 years ago. She found out about me having sex with men the summer before last after a night of margs with my wife. She'll be the least surprised by my revelation. I hope she will accept the news.

Saturday, we'll go to Chicago to tell our oldest daughter. I have no idea how she'll react. She may be shocked but supportive or shocked and angry. She's a hard one to read.

Saturday night we'll tell our son. He was extremely homophobic when he was younger. I know he knows more gays and lesbians now, but he is likely to be devastated. I hope he doesn't go off the deep end. I think having my wife beside me, supporting me will make it easier for him. Time will tell.

I plan to tell them all personally and then ask them to read a two-page note telling them a little about my journey and why it's taken me so long to come out.

I'm sure that as the time gets closer, I'll start to freak out a little more. I know that doesn't do any good, but it may be inevitable. I just hope I can hold it together.

Sunday, my wife plans to tell one of her sisters who lives nearby.

That's it for now. I'll keep writing on this thread throughout the process. The weekend after next will be the big reveal to my closest siblings and their wives - a bunch of Baptists! Oh boy!!

I really do appreciate the support I feel from everyone on this site!

Please keep me in your thoughts.

Random Dent · 7th Jan 2012, 11:23 PM

Good luck!! Really hope everything goes well.

**Chip** · 8th Jan 2012, 01:37 AM

This takes an incredible amount of courage and you're to be congratulated about it. I'm sure it won't be easy, but I'm also confident that you'll feel much better once it's all over and done with. And I also am confident that your kids will eventually be fine with it.

Please keep us up to date on how it goes.

Bedroom Hymns · 8th Jan 2012, 01:45 AM

Good luck, man *hug*. That's definitely a very hard thing to do, I applaud you for your braveness.

Artemicion · 8th Jan 2012, 05:31 AM

Good luck!

Hidinginalabama · 8th Jan 2012, 08:49 AM

good luck

JJmerlin88 · 8th Jan 2012, 09:09 AM

waitingfordawn · 8th Jan 2012, 02:23 PM

Good luck! <3

Mercy · 8th Jan 2012, 02:32 PM

Keep us posted

thecat06 · 8th Jan 2012, 03:46 PM

Good Luck!!

KneeDragger · 9th Jan 2012, 07:56 AM

Good luck! Keep believing it will go better than expected.

**TheEdend** · 9th Jan 2012, 08:23 AM

I admire you for having the courage to it all. Best of luck!

55butnotalive · 11th Jan 2012, 11:36 AM

1/11/12

Hi, all!

As the week goes on, my stomach is in more and more knots. I'm sleeping OK, but if I wake up in the night it takes a long time to go back to sleep. We filed divorce papers Monday and are meeting with real estate agents now.

I took some personal time this afternoon to collect my thoughts, try to decide how I'm going to begin the announcement with each of the kids, and write a one or two-page note to them.

This is going to be a bolt out of the blue for them. 2 of the 3 have no clue we've been less than the perfect couple. In addition to finding out about me, they'll be learning that their parents are divorcing and that the house the grew up in won't be home for much longer.

Last night after meeting with a realtor, my wife and I went out for a meal and drinks. At one point, about one and a half margaritas into the meal, my wife said something about everything that's going on and I couldn't help but start crying right at the table!

Luckily the tables around us were empty!

I keep thinking about the reactions I'll get from the kids and it's almost more than I can bear. I'll be so glad when this part is over! I just wish I could spare them all the pain - I've become the king of keeping it all for myself.

I know this may all be projecting and it could easily go much better than I'm dreading, but there's just no way for me to be anything but scared shitless right now.

I do appreciate all the comments I've received. I read them once in awhile for comfort.

More later.

55bna

Bedroom Hymns · 11th Jan 2012, 11:59 AM

I wish you the absolute best.

Mercy · 11th Jan 2012, 12:39 PM

me too hun i truley do

DoctorWho · 11th Jan 2012, 02:38 PM

I wish you the best.Hope every thing goes well

KneeDragger · 12th Jan 2012, 06:23 AM

Stay strong. It will get easier.

jimL · 12th Jan 2012, 10:03 AM

Wow! You have so much on your plate. I hope it goes good and your kids ALL take it well. Remember they need/deserve time to process this big change in there lives. It's going to be tough for them, as you pointed out even the house is going away. Good luck and big hugs all around.

seeksanctuary · 12th Jan 2012, 01:09 PM

Hang in there. It will all work out in the end.

55butnotalive · 12th Jan 2012, 07:50 PM

Man I love this site!

Thanks for all the thoughts and wishes!

1/12/12

We told our middle daughter (age 30) tonight. One down and two to go. This daughter is the one who knew I had been with men in the past.

Here's how it went. We sat her down and I told her that we needed to tell her something. I mentioned the information she already knew and told her that even though we've tried hard for three years, it wasn't going to work out. She said that was one of the possibilities she had considered when we asked her to come over.

Then I asked her to read the letter I wrote. She went in another room and read it. When she came back out, it was obvious that she had been crying, but she was OK. She sat down next to my wife and they hugged. I asked if she had one for me too. She did and told me that she loved me.

We spent the next hour or so talking. Most of it centered on the affect the announcement will have on our son (27). We discussed a plan to tell him tomorrow night - all 3 of us. We know he's going to be absolutly floored. He doesn't handle emotion well and could well want to leave the house immediatly after finding out. Hopefully working together we can get him to stay or at least let our daughter drive and talk to each other.

I'm so happy that tonight went so well!

We'll all cross tomorrow's bridge together.

Stay tuned.

7th Jan 2012, 10:22 PM	#1
55butnotalive Well Known Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: out to over 30 now!! Location: Iowa Age: 56 Posts: 125 Join Date: Oct 2011	Coming out countdown Well, I'm less than a week from the day I tell my 3 adult children (31, 30, 27) that their good old dad is gay!! Just a quick recap: My wife of 35 years found out I was having sex with men almost 3 years ago. I pleaded bisexuality, and have been faithful to her since that day. After these 3 years of stress, I finally came out to her in November and she's been very supportive. We've decided to divorce. I thought it might be helpful to keep an ongoing log of my thoughts and feelings leading up to when we tell our kids, family, and freinds. So here goes: 1/7/12 Next weekend we will tell all three kids. We had thought about getting them all together, but decided to tell them separately instead. It was mostly a matter of logistics. Friday we'll tell our middle daughter, who was living with us at the time my wife found out 3 years ago. She found out about me having sex with men the summer before last after a night of margs with my wife. She'll be the least surprised by my revelation. I hope she will accept the news. Saturday, we'll go to Chicago to tell our oldest daughter. I have no idea how she'll react. She may be shocked but supportive or shocked and angry. She's a hard one to read. Saturday night we'll tell our son. He was extremely homophobic when he was younger. I know he knows more gays and lesbians now, but he is likely to be devastated. I hope he doesn't go off the deep end. I think having my wife beside me, supporting me will make it easier for him. Time will tell. I plan to tell them all personally and then ask them to read a two-page note telling them a little about my journey and why it's taken me so long to come out. I'm sure that as the time gets closer, I'll start to freak out a little more. I know that doesn't do any good, but it may be inevitable. I just hope I can hold it together. Sunday, my wife plans to tell one of her sisters who lives nearby. That's it for now. I'll keep writing on this thread throughout the process. The weekend after next will be the big reveal to my closest siblings and their wives - a bunch of Baptists! Oh boy!! I really do appreciate the support I feel from everyone on this site! Please keep me in your thoughts.

7th Jan 2012, 11:23 PM	#2
Random Dent Liebe ist für alle da! Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: La la la ladies Out Status: I don't care who knows Location: California Age: 27 Posts: 1,692 Join Date: Feb 2011	Re: Coming out countdown Good luck!! Really hope everything goes well. __________________ No government has the right to tell its citizens when or whom to love. The only queer people are those who don't love anybody Rita Mae Brown

8th Jan 2012, 01:37 AM	#3
Chip EC Advisor EC Admin Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone Location: northern CA Posts: 5,581 Join Date: May 2008	Re: Coming out countdown This takes an incredible amount of courage and you're to be congratulated about it. I'm sure it won't be easy, but I'm also confident that you'll feel much better once it's all over and done with. And I also am confident that your kids will eventually be fine with it. Please keep us up to date on how it goes.

8th Jan 2012, 01:45 AM	#4
Bedroom Hymns The Morning Fog Regular Member Gender: Happy with my willy, but I don't care for gender. Orientation: I like phallic objects and muscles. Out Status: Some friends, some relatives (both my parents). Location: Under the ice Age: 16 Posts: 297 Join Date: Dec 2011	Re: Coming out countdown Good luck, man hug. That's definitely a very hard thing to do, I applaud you for your braveness. __________________ Between two lungs it was released, The breath that passed from you to me, That flew between us as we slept, That slipped from your mouth, into mine it crept.

8th Jan 2012, 05:31 AM	#5
Artemicion :D :D :D Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Anyone who asks, but parents in denial. Location: Vancouver BC Canada Age: 23 Posts: 1,112 Join Date: Aug 2010	Re: Coming out countdown Good luck!

8th Jan 2012, 08:49 AM	#6
Hidinginalabama EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Say no to the boobs. Say hell yes to men. Out Status: Almost every one other than work Location: alabama Age: 22 Posts: 954 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: Coming out countdown good luck

8th Jan 2012, 09:09 AM	#7
JJmerlin88 Newbie Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: A few people Posts: 3 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Coming out countdown

8th Jan 2012, 02:23 PM	#8
waitingfordawn Well Known Regular Member Gender: Female Orientation: Queer Out Status: to friends and anyone that asks. Except family. Location: Montreal Age: 19 Posts: 140 Join Date: Jan 2012	Re: Coming out countdown Good luck! <3

8th Jan 2012, 02:32 PM	#9
Mercy EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: A few people Posts: 1,412 Join Date: Jul 2011	Re: Coming out countdown Keep us posted __________________ Some times the ones you least expect too whal in to your life and change it for the better

8th Jan 2012, 03:46 PM	#10
thecat06 EC's Biggest LNJF and SNL fan!! Full Member Gender: Let's say Pangender! Orientation: Let's say gay!! Out Status: Out to parents, campus, and 75 friends on facebook Location: Central and Northern Ohio Age: 19 Posts: 2,504 Join Date: Jun 2011	Re: Coming out countdown Good Luck!! __________________ So many years have passed, since I proclaimed my independence, my mission, my aim, and my vision, so secure, content to live each day like it's my last, it's wonderful to know, that I could be, something more than what I dreamed, far beyond what I could see -Dream Theater

9th Jan 2012, 07:56 AM	#11
KneeDragger Member Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone who matters. Location: Indiana Age: 44 Posts: 88 Join Date: Sep 2009	Re: Coming out countdown Good luck! Keep believing it will go better than expected.

9th Jan 2012, 08:23 AM	#12
TheEdend Hope will never be silent EC Moderator Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Extended family still doesn't know Location: Orlando, Florida Age: 21 Posts: 2,831 Join Date: Mar 2010	Re: Coming out countdown I admire you for having the courage to it all. Best of luck! __________________ “You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result” -Gandhi

11th Jan 2012, 11:36 AM	#13
55butnotalive Well Known Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: out to over 30 now!! Location: Iowa Age: 56 Posts: 125 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: Coming out countdown 1/11/12 Hi, all! As the week goes on, my stomach is in more and more knots. I'm sleeping OK, but if I wake up in the night it takes a long time to go back to sleep. We filed divorce papers Monday and are meeting with real estate agents now. I took some personal time this afternoon to collect my thoughts, try to decide how I'm going to begin the announcement with each of the kids, and write a one or two-page note to them. This is going to be a bolt out of the blue for them. 2 of the 3 have no clue we've been less than the perfect couple. In addition to finding out about me, they'll be learning that their parents are divorcing and that the house the grew up in won't be home for much longer. Last night after meeting with a realtor, my wife and I went out for a meal and drinks. At one point, about one and a half margaritas into the meal, my wife said something about everything that's going on and I couldn't help but start crying right at the table! Luckily the tables around us were empty! I keep thinking about the reactions I'll get from the kids and it's almost more than I can bear. I'll be so glad when this part is over! I just wish I could spare them all the pain - I've become the king of keeping it all for myself. I know this may all be projecting and it could easily go much better than I'm dreading, but there's just no way for me to be anything but scared shitless right now. I do appreciate all the comments I've received. I read them once in awhile for comfort. More later. 55bna

11th Jan 2012, 11:59 AM	#14
Bedroom Hymns The Morning Fog Regular Member Gender: Happy with my willy, but I don't care for gender. Orientation: I like phallic objects and muscles. Out Status: Some friends, some relatives (both my parents). Location: Under the ice Age: 16 Posts: 297 Join Date: Dec 2011	Re: Coming out countdown I wish you the absolute best. __________________ Between two lungs it was released, The breath that passed from you to me, That flew between us as we slept, That slipped from your mouth, into mine it crept.

11th Jan 2012, 12:39 PM	#15
Mercy EC Addict Full Member Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: A few people Posts: 1,412 Join Date: Jul 2011	Re: Coming out countdown me too hun i truley do __________________ Some times the ones you least expect too whal in to your life and change it for the better

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11th Jan 2012, 02:38 PM	#16
DoctorWho Well Known Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Eveyone but my Grandparents Location: Brampton ON, Canada Age: 16 Posts: 105 Join Date: Dec 2011	Re: Coming out countdown I wish you the best.Hope every thing goes well

12th Jan 2012, 06:23 AM	#17
KneeDragger Member Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out to everyone who matters. Location: Indiana Age: 44 Posts: 88 Join Date: Sep 2009	Re: Coming out countdown Stay strong. It will get easier.

12th Jan 2012, 10:03 AM	#18
jimL I Can't Even Think Straight Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Sexy hot guys Out Status: Family, friends, work, anyone who asks!!!! Location: Oregon, USA Posts: 308 Join Date: May 2011	Re: Coming out countdown Wow! You have so much on your plate. I hope it goes good and your kids ALL take it well. Remember they need/deserve time to process this big change in there lives. It's going to be tough for them, as you pointed out even the house is going away. Good luck and big hugs all around. __________________ Jim Learning to love who I am! And no longer ashamed to be gay!!!!!

12th Jan 2012, 01:09 PM	#19
seeksanctuary Weary Traveller Full Member Gender: Transgender - FtM Orientation: Gay Out Status: Pretty much everyone that matters. Location: USA Age: 24 Posts: 402 Join Date: Sep 2011	Re: Coming out countdown Hang in there. It will all work out in the end. __________________ but there's no sense crying over every mistake you just keep on trying 'til you run out of cake...

12th Jan 2012, 07:50 PM	#20
55butnotalive Well Known Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: out to over 30 now!! Location: Iowa Age: 56 Posts: 125 Join Date: Oct 2011	Re: Coming out countdown Man I love this site! Thanks for all the thoughts and wishes! 1/12/12 We told our middle daughter (age 30) tonight. One down and two to go. This daughter is the one who knew I had been with men in the past. Here's how it went. We sat her down and I told her that we needed to tell her something. I mentioned the information she already knew and told her that even though we've tried hard for three years, it wasn't going to work out. She said that was one of the possibilities she had considered when we asked her to come over. Then I asked her to read the letter I wrote. She went in another room and read it. When she came back out, it was obvious that she had been crying, but she was OK. She sat down next to my wife and they hugged. I asked if she had one for me too. She did and told me that she loved me. We spent the next hour or so talking. Most of it centered on the affect the announcement will have on our son (27). We discussed a plan to tell him tomorrow night - all 3 of us. We know he's going to be absolutly floored. He doesn't handle emotion well and could well want to leave the house immediatly after finding out. Hopefully working together we can get him to stay or at least let our daughter drive and talk to each other. I'm so happy that tonight went so well! We'll all cross tomorrow's bridge together. Stay tuned.