I came out as trans to an old friend

[electrolicious]

So today I came out as trans to someone that I used to be friends with in high school but lost contact with, which is about 4 years back. I just sent this to her not even an hour ago, but I think she's gone to sleep so it's the waiting game now. I'm currently nervous and impatient, so does anyone want to tell me how this sounds? This is what I wrote to her (details edited for privacy):

"Anyway, remember (old name)? That's me --- except a couple things have changed. I changed my name to (new name), and I'm transgender (aka I'm living as a man now). I was looking through my old accounts on various sites. As I said, one of them was FictionPress, and I came upon your Tumblr link on your profile there. I just thought it'd be cool if we could talk again, if you felt like it, since I enjoyed hanging out with you. I'm still the same person as I was, just a different name and pronouns... and maybe a bit more grown up. Maybe, aha. If you'd like to talk, that'd be nice... if not, that's okay as well. Hope you're doing well."

What do you guys think? This is driving me mad.

[Metal]

It doesn't look too bad.

I think f2m's are more accepted into society, it may only be a bit of a shock to your old friend as it would probably be unexpected.

[Alexandria]

I tend to agree with that; for all the inequities women have faced; it does seem these days born women have more freedom then born men. Maybr what I see is skewered I dunno.

[waitingfordawn]

Originally Posted by Alexandria

I tend to agree with that; for all the inequities women have faced; it does seem these days born women have more freedom then born men. Maybr what I see is skewered I dunno.

You have got to be kidding me... I'm sorry, but that's just a gross misunderstanding of sex and gender. As Simone de Beauvoir once said, "One is not born a woman, one becomes a woman." Your sex is predicated on your gender, ie you're assigned a gender/sex based on your reproductive organs. Sex is just as much a social construction as gender is.

And insofar as gender goes, masculinity is still seen as superior to femininity. Women don't have more freedom than men at all. Maybe FTMs do, but that's because they're adopting masculinity, which is seen as superior to femininity... that's probably why FTMs have an easier time being accepted than MTFs. For a woman to take on masculine traits is seen as a step up in society, and for a man to take on feminine traits is seen as a step down.

[Ianthe]

Don't be too worried if she takes a little time getting back to you. She might need some time to process it.

And, like always, she might have a hard time adjusting the way she thinks about you right away.

Anyway, it might take her some time to figure out how to respond. Most people don't have any experience with this sort of thing.

I mean, I think you just want to be able to talk to her like normal. But if she has no experience with trans folks at all, then she's going to have an experience that is like:

My girl friend from my youth is now a man? WTF?! This is a strange and foreign idea I have never encountered before. What am I supposed to say about this?

I don't interact the same way with men that I do with women. How do I behave around someone who I established a friendship with as a girl who is now a man?

I have no idea what to say or how to act at all!

And when people have no idea what to say, well, they usually don't say anything, at least not right away.

The thing is, gender plays a big role in social interaction, which is kind of why you need to transition in the first place, right? You are a man, and you want people to interact with you as a man.

But your friendship was established with her as one between two girls. Post-transition, you still can probably still relate to her as you always did, but you have changed in such a way that she has to think of you and relate to you differently. Your statement about it being "just a different name and pronouns" just isn't really true. Gender is a lot more than that. Most of our social interactions and relationships are gendered in some way.

A friendship between two girls isn't exactly the same as a friendship between a guy and a girl, just like a mother-daughter relationship isn't exactly the same as a mother-son relationship, and so on. In same-gender relationships of any kind, gender itself is usually felt to be something important that is shared. (This is why the parent whose gender was assigned to the child usually has a harder time when their child transitions--that sharing is something they cherish. A parent whose gender the child is transitioning to may even feel a closer bond because of it.)

If you never really felt female, then you probably never felt that shared gender was an important part of those relationships for you. But for the other people in those relationships, who related to you as female, it was an important part.

In your friendships and other relationships now, with other men, do you not feel a special kinship? Like, you enjoy being guys together with them, and sharing that? See, that's what women who have known you before you transitioned often feel like they have lost. And for them, realizing that you never felt the same way they did about it in the first place, and for you that feeling of kinship and sharing, of belonging, was never there to lose, might be the most painful thing of all. It's kind of like when a straight person realizes that their spouse is gay--it's just really hard, to realize that the other person didn't really share in feelings you thought were shared.

If you had been living as male when you knew your friend, you may still have been friends, but your friendship would have been completely different, at least on her end. You are the same person you have always been--but you aren't the same person she thought you were.

So, it might take her a little while to work through all that. You shouldn't assume that if she doesn't answer right away, that she won't ever. She might need talk to someone and get some support or something. Not like it's necessarily a huge deal--I don't know how close you two are, or were back then--just some people work through things by talking about them, and she might not want to respond while she's still all confused or upset, for fear of offending you or hurting your feelings.

And, like I said, she might just have no idea what to say, and need some time to figure it out.

[electrolicious]

Originally Posted by Ianthe

Don't be too worried if she takes a little time getting back to you. She might need some time to process it.

And, like always, she might have a hard time adjusting the way she thinks about you right away.

Anyway, it might take her some time to figure out how to respond. Most people don't have any experience with this sort of thing.

I mean, I think you just want to be able to talk to her like normal. But if she has no experience with trans folks at all, then she's going to have an experience that is like:

And when people have no idea what to say, well, they usually don't say anything, at least not right away.

The thing is, gender plays a big role in social interaction, which is kind of why you need to transition in the first place, right? You are a man, and you want people to interact with you as a man.

But your friendship was established with her as one between two girls. Post-transition, you still can probably still relate to her as you always did, but you have changed in such a way that she has to think of you and relate to you differently. Your statement about it being "just a different name and pronouns" just isn't really true. Gender is a lot more than that. Most of our social interactions and relationships are gendered in some way.

A friendship between two girls isn't exactly the same as a friendship between a guy and a girl, just like a mother-daughter relationship isn't exactly the same as a mother-son relationship, and so on. In same-gender relationships of any kind, gender itself is usually felt to be something important that is shared. (This is why the parent whose gender was assigned to the child usually has a harder time when their child transitions--that sharing is something they cherish. A parent whose gender the child is transitioning to may even feel a closer bond because of it.)

If you never really felt female, then you probably never felt that shared gender was an important part of those relationships for you. But for the other people in those relationships, who related to you as female, it was an important part.

In your friendships and other relationships now, with other men, do you not feel a special kinship? Like, you enjoy being guys together with them, and sharing that? See, that's what women who have known you before you transitioned often feel like they have lost. And for them, realizing that you never felt the same way they did about it in the first place, and for you that feeling of kinship and sharing, of belonging, was never there to lose, might be the most painful thing of all. It's kind of like when a straight person realizes that their spouse is gay--it's just really hard, to realize that the other person didn't really share in feelings you thought were shared.

If you had been living as male when you knew your friend, you may still have been friends, but your friendship would have been completely different, at least on her end. You are the same person you have always been--but you aren't the same person she thought you were.

So, it might take her a little while to work through all that. You shouldn't assume that if she doesn't answer right away, that she won't ever. She might need talk to someone and get some support or something. Not like it's necessarily a huge deal--I don't know how close you two are, or were back then--just some people work through things by talking about them, and she might not want to respond while she's still all confused or upset, for fear of offending you or hurting your feelings.

And, like I said, she might just have no idea what to say, and need some time to figure it out.

Thanks for the awesome reply and that perspective, Ianthe. You brought up a lot of things that I hadn't thought of. For the record, we weren't great friends. We hung outside of school sometimes, and went to an anime club, but that's all. It's more than I can say about my other "friends" in high school though, who I just talked to in between classes.

What I said about "just a different name and pronouns", I know that gender does play a huge role in our social interactions. I just wanted to express to her that I haven't changed. I still like the same hobbies, my personality is basically what it was before, etc. for the most part.

However, I'm prepared to give her the time she needs to process this... I just hope it's fast. Hopefully this thread will keep me from getting too anxious in the meantime.

[electrolicious]

Hey guys,

Excuse the double-post, I just wanted to update you about what's going on. It's been a week, and she still hasn't replied. I think it's time to accept the fact that she probably won't. But, and I'm not sure if it means anything, the other day, she did reblog the news article that's been going around about that transgirl who was able to join the Girl Scouts. She seemed to have a positive opinion about it all. Maybe that means she's been doing some research? I don't know... I'm trying to stay optimistic though. Even if she doesn't want to be friends again, I'll be joining my school's pride alliance, where I'll hopefully meet people who accept me.