Hey everyone, sorry that I'm only just logging in again now, it really has been awhile. But I've been having a lot of issues lately... So right now I'm staying at my university to take a winter class in nutrition. And for the duration of the break, I found out that I'd be staying with four other guys. So of course the familiar feelings of anxiety came around, and I couldn't build up the nerve to say anything. But one night as we were all walking back from dinner, one of them said, "Man, Rick Santorum is ridiculous. He really thinks being gay is a choice..." And when all of them agreed, I knew I could then say something. So, I came out to them later that night, and they were all incredibly supportive. In fact, even though I'll only be staying with them for about a month, I feel like they're the best family I've had. It's been really nice. But every few days, I've been going home. And it really has just been incredibly depressing. My mom has literally been harassing me about my sexuality with every chance she gets, and then she tries to convince me that I need to spend more time and give back to my family. I'm all for that, really, but not when, in every possible way, they choose not to support me. I'm just caught in a crossfire, and I really don't know how much more of being at home I can take. Literally, as soon as I get closer to home, a weight bears down on my chest and I start to feel suffocated. I literally feel incredibly depressed when I'm there. And maybe I'm being too overdramatic, but I'm just going with what I feel. My family is so anti-LGBT and they believe in traditional gender roles...for an example... I was baking snickerdoodles one day (my favorite), and my stepfather came in and laughed at me and asked what a man was doing taking his mother's place in the kitchen... I just...I don't know if I can really deal with it much more. It's just weird coming to college and being so accepted, and then coming home and having to hide everything. Sorry, I just needed to vent...but some sort of advice would be appreciated!
My Dad cooks. In fact, most of the men in my family cook. When you want snickerdoodles, you make snickerdoodles. I suppose when your stepdad wants snickerdoodles, he stands around like a helpless imbecile and waits for someone else to do it. I think you are more likely to have snickerdoodles when you want them. Tell him you just can't live without snickerdoodles, and you don't think it's a good idea to be helplessly dependent on women to supply them for you. They might be able to control you by withholding them, and it's bad enough they can do that with sex. (If he's as sexist as he sounds he will LOVE that comment.) Hey, you could even segue into coming out that way! Like, "In fact, I'm not going to let women control me that way, either. So I've been dating guys as well as girls. That way, if the girls don't give it up, they know I'll just go elsewhere." Okay, so maybe I'm having a little too much fun with this. Obviously, I was joking. But sometimes, laughter is the best medicine. Congratulations on coming out to your friends! It's great that they accepted you. I guess we should thank Rick Santorum. Seriously, though, you'll get through this period in your life. Do you plan to come out to them someday?
Oh I'm so sorry about your parents! That's great though that you have found people that support you! I'm so glad that your friends reacted well. I think maybe you need to communicate that if they want you to be able to feel loved and to participate in the familial relationship that you all share, they have to treat you well so that you can all be happy. No matter what, you have an amazing college community it sounds like to go back to so look forward to that
Hey Ianthe, He really is unbelievably sexist, so maybe he would really enjoy that comment...hmm...I'll definitely try a few of those tactics. I really can't even imagine trying to come out to them again, because they literally shut me out every chance I get. It's gotten so bad that if my mom tries to ask me how school is going or anything, I just don't reply, because I'm so afraid of getting judged and yelled at, let alone trying to broach the subject of my sexuality. I mean, I'm just by nature a really emotional and sensitive guy. Any of my good friends will tell you that. But they will never see that side of me, because they automatically push it away. A short example: I was so excited that I got an audition for my school's vocal performance major that I started crying and my mother told me to relax and stop being so ridiculous. She then proceeded to ask me why I was acting so gay. This, of course, hurt even more, because music is my life...or at least, I want it to be. And lately I've taken up to singing around the house more, and apparently that is also deemed as gay. So I really just don't know where I'll get any leeway there. So yeah, I just don't know how I feel about trying to come out to them...I take it so seriously. I mean, not to say that I haven't shared a good laugh about having so many options for dates now, but I mean that they would literally laugh their faces off at me if I ever tried to seriously come out to them and tell them that I'm bisexual. Not to mention that they can't understand how it's possible to like both the same and opposite sex. I just...wouldn't know where to start. It's complicated. ---------- Post added 11th Jan 2012 at 03:22 PM ---------- Oh, and alex7song, I hope the above post answers some of your questions...it's not that I don't want to communicate that to them, it's just that I don't know if they would truly be receptive to the message. Oh, and you better believe I'm excited about going back...
Hey dude, congratulations on coming out to your friends! I fully understand how you'd be anxious living with a new group of guys and the thought of coming out to them, but you did it and I admire you for that; you're so strong. :eusa_clap Cooking is not a woman's job or gay or anything other than a skill that decent people appreciate. Your stepdad is a moron and I'm sorry you have to be around him and the rest of your family. I realize college costs are a lot more than when I attended, but is there any way you can find some people to live with so you can get out of that toxic home life? My advice is to stay away from them as much as you can. If you can stay away from them, maybe they'll ask why they never see you anymore and when you're strong enough and ready, you'll say it's because they pushed you away and for your own well-being you can't be around them until they treat you with the respect you deserve. It seems like they're unable to recognize how they're hurting you, but maybe a jolt to their lives will help them grow up. If they never come around, I think you're far better off with a family of supportive friends you choose, than some people you didn't choose who don't appreciate the amazing guy that you are. Stay strong (*hug*)
!!!! Oh!!! You should consider joining a gay chorus somewhere. I'm in a lesbian choir and I love it. I found out yesterday that we got a spot in the GIANT INTERNATIONAL CONVENTION OF GAY AND LESBIAN CHOIRS this summer. (I am really excited, I don't usually resort to long strings of all-caps.) Actually, our choir is relatively poor, so the gay men's chorus is pitching in to help us cover the costs of going (thank you, rich gay boys, we love you, too). It's all really friendly, and so much fun. There are mixed gay and lesbian choirs as well. Of course, I guess that wouldn't help you make your mom think singing isn't gay.... Really, I'm pretty sure your mom and stepfather know you aren't straight. They are in denial. That's why they are saying stuff about it to you all the time. On some level they think, or want to think, that if they are mean about gay people all the time, you will, you know, change your mind, or something. (This would be on an unconscious level, probably.) Just, you know, something to think about.
First of all Ianthe, You are flippin hysterical. Second acd92, good on those dudes for being so accepting. And finally, I understand that most chefs and bakers are men (I don't know if this is truly a statistic, but that's my story and I'm stickin to it ) As for going home and feeling suffocated, I totally understand that one. I feel the same way at home sometimes too. Now, I'm not sure if it's because your parents are anti LGBT or your stepdad is just simply massively ignorant and oppressive (I'm twisting inside because I am trying to be nice...it hurts...but I will not insult the man, I will not insult the man. Ignorance technically means lacking knowledge or information as to a particular subject or fact). A feeling of oppression is sometimes due to people being extremely domineering (emotionally hijacking the entire family) and you feeling that you have no other alternatives, making you feel stuck. Getting unstuck: I have had to take some time in my notebook and organize some simple things to say when my dad would be offensive. Like, "Dad/Mom, I appreciate you but I am doing something good here, can you please not be so insulting." Then I would use those lines to establish that I'm not his/her doormat. Non-emotionally expressing myself to them created boundaries so they knew they couldn't walk all over me. It was part of me growing up. In non-insulting ways, I've done this with both my parents and it does help there to be a more open environment when I go home. (Don't get me wrong, I have also had screaming fits with them, which were good to get some things out too, but the above was a way I started dealing with the daily stuff.) That being said, finally 'coming out' and telling my parents about my attractions to men changed all the rules and they do disagree, but at this point, we've had a few really good (non screaming) conversations about it and they are much more kind about things that deal with sexuality. It took time though. End result of boundaries and openness was: we've all grown. Just be patient with yourself, things like this need to happen, but in your time. AND I FLIPPIN LOVE SNICKERDOODLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE A MAN'S MAN!!!!!!! BAKE AND SING AWAY!!!
Oh my goodness...thank you all so much for these responses. I think I can take something out of all of them. I really do need to find a way to get out of that environment...it is indeed, toxic. And yes, I do agree that eventually I'll need to be more open with them but...in time. Thank you all so much for all of this advice!!
