I don't think my ex-GF likes my BF

[GuyDC21]

So after three years of on and off again dating before finally calling it quits, but remaining friends, I let my ex girlfriend become privy to the fact that I am bi. I figured with all the history between us that this wouldn't go so well and got to say; called it.

When I first told her she was initially relived because I told her that I had something to tell her and it must have been my tone, but she was expecting that I was in trouble with the law or something(yeah, nice huh?). The deeper we went into the matter, however, the more the tension grew. She asked me when I realized I was gay, to which I tried to explain that I'm not gay, but rather bi and I told her that I had known since I was in junior high and that I never thought I would reveal this to anyone. She didn't grasp the bi-gay difference totally, but I moved right along.

I told her that while I was playing with a new band last year I met this great guy Kevin. I went into how we have like interests, great chemistry together, and how he's soo cute. I told her that we'd been dating for a week and that I'm more happy and confident than I have ever been. I knew that this was a lot to absorb at once, but I know no other way to get it out other than all at once.

She withdrew for a while and we went out for a smoke. I was trying to get her to feel comfortable with things, but the more I tried to be Mr. Niceguy, the more she became the Wicked Witch on me. She said she was upset that I was never honest with her and that I was probably all horny and such with a bunch of guys(not true and also funny, when we were dating it was women that she would accuse me screwing around on her with; I’m such a slut, LOL!). I told her I wasn't being total honest with myself which she felt was a cop-out (it isn't). Also, that until I met Kevin I never pursued any romantic relationship with a guy before at all.

I assured her that I love her and that I'm not trying to be weird and change into someone else, I just wanted to be honest and not have it looming over my head with her anymore. Best she learns it from me.

All and all this was my first negative response I've gotten while coming out to friends, though I expected it, I would have like it to have gone better. I don't want things to be different with her, but I'm happy that I've done all I've done. The full whole story of DC and KD (not Kevin Durant, let's see who gets that) is for another day when I have more time to be cute and to proof read.

[DhammaGamer]

yea my ex doesnt really get it either, the other day she referred to me as "like a big gay brother" and I tried to explain that I'm not gay and I'm no ones brother. She just doesnt understand.

It sucks your ex was kind of a "B" about it, but whatever. Water under the bridge eh? lol Great job on coming out and congrats on fidning a good guy

[mAOz]

You felt like you owed her the truth and that's what you gave her, negative response or not.

[kirbycat]

I'm sorry she responded so negatively - but that's great that you're still committed to staying friends with her. That will definitely help her come around eventually.

I will say, I can kind of understand where your ex might be coming from. I was in a similar situation when I discovered my ex-boyfriend was gay (it was the reason we split up, though he never really admitted this fully, and didn't come out for a long time. And now he's back in the closet...but that's another story). For me, the issue wasn't that he was gay; it was the fact that I'd managed to not see that he was gay - to the point of falling in love with him. I was angry at myself for not seeing it, and angry at him for choosing to date me when he was questioning his sexuality. Obviously his issues were much bigger than my hurt ego, but the sense that you've been lied to - and lying to yourself - always sucks. So I can see how your ex might be feeling something like this, especially if she's confused on the difference between being bisexual and homosexual.

That being said, it's great you were so open and honest with her, and not holding anything back. I don't think you should've done anything different. You owed her the truth, and gave it to her. It's just not always an easy truth to hear - especially if she was still maybe harboring hopes of you two getting back together. But you've made it clear that you still love her and want her in your life. If she's a true friend (despite her bitchiness), she ought to come around eventually. If she doesn't, it's not your fault. Just give it time, keep being a good friend, and good luck to you and your new guy!

[Chip]

Bottom line is I suspect she's jealous. Even though you broke up, she may still consider you "her property" and maybe hoped you'd get back together. So of course she isn't going to like any guy you go out with; Kevin is essentially "the other woman" to her.

So either she'll get over it or she won't. Unfortunately, there probably isn't a whole lot you can do other than to try and keep her in your life and activities and invite her to do some things with you and Kevin. But she'll probably feel a bit like a 3rd wheel and whether she can get over that and wish you the best, or stay bitter is really on her, and there isn't much you can do about it.

I hope that helps!

Thanks
- Chip

[hml8]

I'm going to disagree with the general feeling here regarding that experience, and say that while it wasn't positive I don't think that it was bad enough to really be considered a negative response (Just how I read it).

I think that it went as well as may be expected in such a situation because 3 years of on/off seeing someone is a long time.

Originally Posted by Chip

Bottom line is I suspect she's jealous. . . . So of course she isn't going to like any guy you go out with; Kevin is essentially "the other woman" to her.

I completely agree with Chip here. It may be that before you'd even mentioned Kevin she was already imagining you with a guy and why the further you got into the discussion the more tension grew. It's even possible that she was being deliberately difficult and purposefully ignoring the difference between Bi and Gay.

Also she may have seen your coming out as a sign that you're over her which would of course also make her instantly jealous.

It does seem that she is just genuinely upset and not that she hates you or that she is (bordering on) homophobic! And so I would not argue that it is a negative response to your coming out, just the average response of a person who feels that they've been told that their ex has moved on when they haven't necessarily yet.

[alex7song]

I agree that she might be jealous. Its good that you told her though. I hope she comes around to like your boyfriend. Good luck!