I came out, but I didn't even mean to - unintended consequences

[oplimme]

Ok, I'm not sure where else to turn for help so here goes...

I came out today and had absolutely NO intention of doing so. I was supposed to have a guy friend I've been talking to over, but when I wake up, my mother is hawking around in the kitchen acting all weird, crying.

Thought my father had gotten into another argument with her, so went along my business.

Then, my mother calls my father back home, and I'm ambushed: both of them stare at me right after my father calls me down.

Basically, after about three hours of intense interrogation, beating around the bush, and leap-frogging from idea to idea, I'm forced to state my sexual orientation. I'm gay, blah blah blah.

My mother starts crying; she cries for at least twenty minutes. Head in her crotch, hair constantly tugged, swept aside. Then after a cool-down period, she goes and tells my father, who abruptly disappears.

Now I'm sitting here in my room, when I'm supposed to have been cuddled up to my guy. We'd planned this for a long time now, and I really wanted to see him. I have no idea how this is supposed to work now; everything has been screwed up.

I REALLY want to see this guy. I don't know how this is supposed to work now if my parents are all scatterbrained about this one facet about me. One tiny thing, and everything's lost; there's people with more terrifying situations, and here I am, pinned, unable to spend time with a guy.

What do I do now? Do I wait and hope they let him in? My mother keeps repeating this line, "Think it through" which I *know* is code for "Don't be gay."

All I wanted this weekend was to spend some time with him. Now I don't know when I can...his schedule is so tight and I'm a sophomore in college. That's all I wanted, a weekend together...

[Mister Gaga]

Sorry to hear that, just give them time, maybe it will not be okay for that guy to come over for the week-end, your parents have to get used to the idea first.

But I didn't get hwhy your mother had been hawking in the kitchen, what made her cry? Just the fact that a guy is coming over?

[oplimme]

Originally Posted by Mister Gaga

But I didn't get hwhy your mother had been hawking in the kitchen, what made her cry? Just the fact that a guy is coming over?

Yes. I don't understand it either. She says gays are promiscuous, don't maintain stable relationships, catch AIDS (she's a nurse practitioner and always tries scaring me with stories she's seen in the hospital, "Oh, this is why you don't X.") I get she's trying to protect me, but she was so dramatic.

She told me that if I decide to go gay, that I should wait for her to die first. She would rather not see me at all with a guy. She's like this with anything "life-changing."

I don't get it. I'm so annoyed. I've never had intimacy at all, and when I'm finally granted one opportunity I get slammed with a sudden morning surprise.

EDIT: The reason why having a guy over disappointed them was because I've never brought home a girl. And so they've tuned in on that, apparently.

[Mister Gaga]

That's strange, you could have denied you're gay for now, then tell her later, at least you would have spent a great weekend, but well, but then again, it's gonna be harder for you to come out later.

Guess you did the good choice, even though the timing was not perfect, just give them time, they'll eventually come around, if they don't, wait until you're 18 (assuming you're underage) then move on

Don't bother your self too much, just act as if nothing happened for now, or write them an eloquent letter or show them the PFLAG website, hopefully they'll understand.

[oplimme]

Originally Posted by Mister Gaga

That's strange, you could have denied you're gay for now, then tell her later, at least you would have spent a great weekend, but well, but then again, it's gonna be harder for you to come out later.

Guess you did the good choice, even though the timing was not perfect, just give them time, they'll eventually come around, if they don't, wait until you're 18 (assuming you're underage) then move on

Don't bother your self too much, just act as if nothing happened for now, or write them an eloquent letter or show them the PFLAG website, hopefully they'll understand.

I wish denying was possible; I'd denied for the first hour or so. This isn't the first time they've confronted me about being gay. This, I think, is the culmination to a longgggggggggggggg standing tension between us. It's sorta been the white elephant for a while now. I guess they decided today would be best.

I hope things will turn around, yeah.

Also, I'm a soph in college (19). I live with them as it saves money all around (hate loans). I'm just hoping for the best now, I guess.

[Mister Gaga]

Well, you're right, this was expectable then.

Just be strong, don't let their words hurt you or bring you down, they are the result of fear, anger, and misunderstanding, so just live your life as you want, except the fact that you can no longer bring guys home, since your parents are not okay with that.

[Mercy]

Originally Posted by oplimme

I wish denying was possible; I'd denied for the first hour or so. This isn't the first time they've confronted me about being gay. This, I think, is the culmination to a longgggggggggggggg standing tension between us. It's sorta been the white elephant for a while now. I guess they decided today would be best.

I hope things will turn around, yeah.

Also, I'm a soph in college (19). I live with them as it saves money all around (hate loans). I'm just hoping for the best now, I guess.

so not fair !!

[JoshB]

Originally Posted by oplimme

Yes. I don't understand it either. She says gays are promiscuous, don't maintain stable relationships, catch AIDS (she's a nurse practitioner and always tries scaring me with stories she's seen in the hospital, "Oh, this is why you don't X.") I get she's trying to protect me, but she was so dramatic.

She told me that if I decide to go gay, that I should wait for her to die first. She would rather not see me at all with a guy. She's like this with anything "life-changing."

I don't get it. I'm so annoyed. I've never had intimacy at all, and when I'm finally granted one opportunity I get slammed with a sudden morning surprise.

I don't understand, or someone is uninformed. Straight people have unstable relationships, and straight people get HIV and AIDS. If you use protection, and are safe/smart about your actions, your risk of getting an STD drops considerably.

Give her some time, and she should get better with it. However, her being an NP should make her a little bit better at handling a situation like this, seeing as she should see LGBT people in her work. Again, give her some time and things might come around.

Originally Posted by oplimme

EDIT: The reason why having a guy over disappointed them was because I've never brought home a girl. And so they've tuned in on that, apparently.

This would be how my mom figured out I was gay, before me telling her. I eventually told her.

[oplimme]

Just want to say thanks for the responses so far...

Originally Posted by JoshB

I don't understand, or someone is uninformed. Straight people have unstable relationships, and straight people get HIV and AIDS. If you use protection, and are safe/smart about your actions, your risk of getting an STD drops considerably.

Give her some time, and she should get better with it. However, her being an NP should make her a little bit better at handling a situation like this, seeing as she should see LGBT people in her work. Again, give her some time and things might come around.

I don't get it either. In my mother's mind, and to a lesser extent, my father's mind, all gay people are the same. Which I find very strange, as we're Chinese, and she wouldn't want people thinking we're all the same. Makes no sense.

I guess time's the answer.

[JoshB]

Originally Posted by oplimme

I don't get it either. In my mother's mind, and to a lesser extent, my father's mind, all gay people are the same. Which I find very strange, as we're Chinese, and she wouldn't want people thinking we're all the same. Makes no sense.

I guess time's the answer.

No one person is the same, but each to their own, I guess. Personality, genetics (well, some people can have the exact same makeup), views, intelligence, etc. are all different from person to person.

It is kind of like people saying that all guys are players and cheaters, yet, not all of us are.

[oplimme]

Originally Posted by JoshB

No one person is the same, but each to their own, I guess. Personality, genetics (well, some people can have the exact same makeup), views, intelligence, etc. are all different from person to person.

It is kind of like people saying that all guys are players and cheaters, yet, not all of us are.

I hope they see that.

[Chip]

Hi, and welcome to EC!

From the people I've known who come from traditional Chinese families, being gay tends to be a much bigger deal than for many other people. There's a lot of family tradition there that being gay goes against, and it is usually a big, dramatic scene similar to what you described, right down to the "think it through" which, yes, means "Don't be gay."

Remember too, you've known this for a while, and they've only suspected, so now that they have confirmation, they're dealing with the shock and the loss of what they had assumed you would be (a straight male, and all that comes with that.) But I am also pretty confident they will eventually come around. The fact that your mom is a nurse practitioner means she's a lot more educated about the issue than many parents would be, she likely knows it's genetic and not a choice, and most likely she's just going to need to spend some time thinking things through.

One suggestion I have is to get hold of the movie "The Wedding Banquet." It's on Netflix I think, and it deals specifically with being gay in a Chinese family. It's an amazing film that is at moments funny, dramatic, and ultimately very uplifting. Perhaps after the dust settles a little bit, you and your parents can watch it together.

In the meantime, I'd just do your best to let things calm down and settle out a bit. Perhaps you and your friend can go off somewhere else where it won't be quite so obvious at a time when your parents are trying to integrate this understanding about you. But I do think you'll find that things will start to calm down in a few days if not before.

[oplimme]

Originally Posted by Chip

Hi, and welcome to EC!

From the people I've known who come from traditional Chinese families, being gay tends to be a much bigger deal than for many other people. There's a lot of family tradition there that being gay goes against, and it is usually a big, dramatic scene similar to what you described, right down to the "think it through" which, yes, means "Don't be gay."

Remember too, you've known this for a while, and they've only suspected, so now that they have confirmation, they're dealing with the shock and the loss of what they had assumed you would be (a straight male, and all that comes with that.) But I am also pretty confident they will eventually come around. The fact that your mom is a nurse practitioner means she's a lot more educated about the issue than many parents would be, she likely knows it's genetic and not a choice, and most likely she's just going to need to spend some time thinking things through.

One suggestion I have is to get hold of the movie "The Wedding Banquet." It's on Netflix I think, and it deals specifically with being gay in a Chinese family. It's an amazing film that is at moments funny, dramatic, and ultimately very uplifting. Perhaps after the dust settles a little bit, you and your parents can watch it together.

In the meantime, I'd just do your best to let things calm down and settle out a bit. Perhaps you and your friend can go off somewhere else where it won't be quite so obvious at a time when your parents are trying to integrate this understanding about you. But I do think you'll find that things will start to calm down in a few days if not before.

Thanks! I really hope so.

I should've mentioned...we are Chinese, but only by genetics. My parents are from the Philippines...a HEAVILY Roman Catholic state. My father was raised Baptist though, my mother, a Catholic.

They surprisingly don't have any religious objections...at least they haven't said anything yet. It's complicated because usually Filipinos are somewhat tolerant of gays; I've always gotten the impression from my father that "they're tolerated." I assumed (clearly I was wrong) that I'd be able to pass this off as "OK."

Unfortunately, my parents do not believe there is any genetic basis in being gay. Here, their belief in Christianity does play a huge role. They believe EVERYTHING is a choice. EVERYTHING. YOU decide what you become. YOU decide to feel attractions. YOU decide to XYZ. YOU. YOU. YOU.

"God gave us free will for a reason. They CHOOSE to go to hell..."

I'll look into the movie though. Perhaps my mother will like it; my father hates those kinds of films though. He's mushy, but only likes sci-fi.