Coming out when you are married...help please!

[fiyerro]

The past few months have been a very troubling time for me as well as my wife. Let me give you a little background about me, in awe you dont remember. I am 29 and have been with my wife since I was 16 and she was 17. We had been friends since middle school. I am also a survivor of sexual abuse by a male cousin. Needless to say, that has caused so many issues in my life and I am just coming to terms with it now.

Anyways, I have basically come to the conclusion that I am either bi and prefer men or gay. My wife knows this struggle and is being as supportive as possible. I don't know how I can bring myself to destroy our family (we have a 2 year old) and our friendship. She is my best friend and I feel like this is going to destroy her....I also feel like if I don't do something about it, it's going to destroy me too....

Any advice? I am desperate for it...

[Sunsetting]

i feel you man, i would suggest talking with your wife simply about you both going to see a counselor together and take it step by step. don't try and take your feelings which are huge at this point on your own. bro you have our support here, definitely, but use the support you have in your life outside of EC

supporting you bro - me

[KneeDragger]

First, it doesn't have to destroy you or the family. I can/will redefine the family. I was where you are at. Married with 3 kids. With the help of a therapist and a very understanding wife, we were able to get through my coming out and us separating. We are probably closer now than we were. I see my kids almost every day and overall, this hasn't been the big bad thing I thought it would be.

So find a therapist for yourself first. Talk about where you are at and where you want to go. Bring your wife in if she is willing to talk. Allow her to seek her own therapist if she wants to (my wife didn't). Communication and understanding will bring the 2 of you through it. And if the 2 of you are on the same page, your family will come through just fine.

[jimL]

I completely agree with Sunsetting and KneeDragger, get professional help. I am 57 and just came out to my wife and family last June. We don't have kids which makes your situation very difficult. Dude, you are still young and have a whole life ahead of you to figure out what to do so don't panic, like I did. It will only cause you lots of stress. My wife is also my best friend. We are still together and I am trying to figure out what I should do now. I like you don't want to destroy our friendship. Others here have told stories of still remaining close friends after separation. I think that if I separate with my wife she will still be my best friend.

Also, you might want to post this in support and advice instead of coming out stories.

[55butnotalive]

I'm going to echo the great advice above. I've just come out to my wife and kids after 35 years of marriage. It would have been so much better for us if I had had full knowledge of myself at your age and taken care of the situation then. Staying in a marriage out of guilt or fear will tear at you for as long as you're married - at least it did for me - especially if you can't resist your urges. If you and your wife can get counseling and remain friends, you will both be so much happier in the long run. Also, your child won't have the world knocked out from under them if you come out and split up when they're old enough to feel the full impact of the news and the break-up.

It's tremendously hard, but it'll be harder later. You need to live an authentic life and your wife deserves someone who can there for her in every way. Best of luck!

I think 55butnotalive has some sound advice and, after reading his story, that advice is coming from a knowledgable source.

My story: 33, married (no kids), came out to my wife late last year. Just came out to my brother the other day. Wife and I will be separating in the near future (but remain friends)

You are not alone! But you have to come out to yourself first. I too recommend seeing a counselor. Its hard to do, but once do come out to yourself, it seems like such a weight is lifted (in a sense). There was a time I would sooner believe I was a Martian than gay, it just seemed so alien to me. But that strange feeling just withered away once I admitted it to myself (and it took me 33 years!).

I think your child is young enough that it will be easier now than later IMHO. At age two, your child will not have the many years of happy memories to grieve losing (as opposed to say, age ten).

Whatever you decide, its better now than later. Your wife will be devastated, but she will get over it and she won't be as devastated as she will be in ten years if you wait till then.

[Tracker57]

Another long-time married gay guy here. Married uncomfortably for 30 years. I'm not out to my wife yet. (The timing is not right.) right now, I don't see us splitting up—we've been a couple and best friends since we were 18.

I'm feeling for you, buddy. But I agree with the guys. Get counseling to help you figure things out. I was never a believer until about 6 months ago when I went through counseling.

I'm feeling for you, buddy. Post on my wall if you need to chat. We are all here for you!

Tracker

[Jim1454]

You're not going to destroy her life or your child's life by being honest with your wife about what your needs are. Because I do believe that you will destroy your life if you don't get honest and live your life in a way that makes you happy. I tried doing it the conventional way and ended up in addiction and suicidal.

Get counselling. Talk this through with a professional. Your wife and child will be better off in the long run if you're happy and healthy. And the path that you're currently on suggests that you won't be.