So last night I told a friend

[BusHeckler]

I'm 21, and only a few months ago I was in a long term relationship with a girl. I've known for years that girls weren't going to do it for me.

Just writing it here is mildly traumatic because it has been a secret buried very, very deep for such a very, very long time.

I made a really good straight man. I was happy enough, but I slowly realised that I was deeply unhappy. I tried breaking the relationship off several times, but she would always convince me to carry on. I agreed because it's an easy existence being straight, however wrong it feels. Again, I know now this was wrong and I am deeply ashamed of thinking that I should behave this way.

She started to notice it was only really her initiating bedroom antics, and that I had a habit of saying I love you far too much - insecurity. Eventually came clean that I didn't love her anymore (though I did at one point, it wasn't a wholesome love, I know that now). It was the beginning of the end and she eventually agreed to a separation. I just didn't have the will to split apart our friendship group with a super messy breakup.

It was nearly 2 years and I feel incredibly guilty. I have not told my ex, but enough is enough and I need to live the way I have known I should live for so many years. I am at university so people will move on in time and I'm sure I can tell more people then. Just getting it off my chest was such a relief.

Last night the friend I told was gay friend so it wasn't awkward at all. Their response was 'really?!'. I suppose I am a good actor.

Unfortunately I am not careful I will only make a lot of people very angry. Indeed my friend was rather incredulous that I would be as callous as to lead her on for so long. I think he understands now.

Anyway, I needed to let it out somewhere where there isn't a social consequence, and where I can be sure I won't embarrass my ex.

Oh dear...

BH

[Doctor Faustus]

Sorry to hear about your story man.

You need to explain to your ex that being gay doesn't mean she should see you as any less of a man than before. Stress to her how difficult it's been for you to come clean (even in this somewhat progressive day and age - I say somewhat because we have some way to go - there are probably many more gay men in exactly the same situation as you are). Emphasise that you really want her as a friend and hopefully she'll respect you for your candidness and courage.

Take care. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

All the best,

Dr. F.

[BusHeckler]

Thanks Dr F!

Sound more negative than I am. I've never been unhappy about it, just knew that this being straight thing definitely wasn't what was going to last however long I tried to keep it up.

I've told a few more people now, 5 really close friends know and I'm going to see a couple of them in another city where I can totally relax and finally have some time off being straight.

Never realised how much hard work it is to be straight when you're not. Already made me feel more relaxed, the last secret if you will.

Ta again,
BH