Out of the suffocating closet

[Agathax]

Hi, I thought after reading some of the stories on here that I would share my own…
I’ve only recently come out, December 8th (early Christmas present). I’m only out to my family and three friends and I’m comfortable for it to stay that way. I’m still a little bit worried about how others will react to it, mainly because it might complicate life for my family…but I’m getting ahead of myself…

I’m a lesbian and I’ve pretty much known this since I was thirteen, I’ve had feelings for a while before that, but I never could acknowledge them for what they were.
My first memory of being attracted to someone was when I was six years old. My mother used to be a nurse, so she had quite a few medical textbooks. The one I discovered was a maternity book, which of course had pictures of women in it lol. I used to sneak upstairs to read it, I didn’t understand what I was doing, but I understood that I was feeling something ‘odd’ about those women. Eventually the book got given away to someone else and I pushed it to the back of my mind.

I had quite a few ‘intense’ friendships with other girls growing up-like there was something different about them to the other friendships. I was possessive and got really jealous if they went near anyone else, I pretty much idolized them and spent ages thinking about how pretty they were.

I think the turning point for me was my ‘friendship’ with an older girl called ‘Kelly’. Kelly was about fifteen when I got to know her, we met at church (I’ll cover that later) and prompted by her mum, she started to teach me how to play violin. Everything went fine for a while and I loved spending time with her. But then she got a boyfriend ‘David’ and I loathed him. Whenever they kissed, I’d turn away and get upset, I didn’t really understand why but it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Even worse was the fact that Kelly’s mum, made me go around with them at church socials to make sure they didn’t go too far.etc

One day I turned up for a social meeting and there were banners everywhere, Kelly and David had got engaged, they happily informed me and I burst into tears. I think I must have toned down the evening, which I’m now quite sheepish about, but at twelve I had no way of understanding or controlling my feelings for Kelly. I sniffled all evening and when it was time for them to actually get married and went off into the woods and hid instead of being in the wedding photo.

After that things at the church got difficult as my family had never been very popular, in the end we left. It wasn’t due to the ‘Kelly’ issue; I think everyone assumed I’d had a crush on David, God forbid.

The church pretty heavy evangelical, big emphasis on ‘being saved’ and ‘hell’.etc. I was made quite clear to us that being ‘gay’ was something ‘disordered’ and that although they ‘hated’ the ‘sin’, they loved the sinner. Etc

Everything went on alright, until at thirteen I started saying I was ‘bi’. Mainly I think I did it just to ‘seem cool’ because everyone else was, but behind it, I think I was trying to get something out to my friends which I’d been hiding. Then quite suddenly, one of my friends ‘Emily’ asked me out, I liked Emily and thought she was really pretty, so I said yes…then I panicked, all I could think about was hell, God and all the confused, frightening feelings I was having for Emily. So I baulked, I’m deeply ashamed it but that was what I did. I ran away from Emily and told her in no uncertain terms that I ‘didn’t like her’. Etc. It was pretty extreme reaction, seeing as how Emily hadn’t even seriously asked me out and informed me of that later.

Over time, five years in fact. I pushed the feelings I had to the back of my mind. I went through cycles of depression and self-harm, I didn’t want to deal with my feelings so I crushed them. I started going to a new church with my mother (who was originally Catholic) and I was received into the catholic church. I tried really really hard to be ‘holy’, I tried to like boys, I tried to pretend I didn’t like girls.

It didn’t work. I got up to the local college, where everyone wore their own clothes and the girls started getting even prettier. I couldn’t ignore it, no matter how much I prayed or confessed, it wouldn’t go away. So finally, a few months ago, I stopped trying to make it go away. I was as if a huge weight had been lifted off my back, I could be myself and it was normal. I could not be attracted to boys like my friends were and it was normal!
I came out to my family on December the 8th and my best friend a day earlier. They were surprisingly accepting, the condition my mum set was that I didn’t practice being gay in our home town (which is very small) and waited until I got to university, this sounds bad but it’s only because she works for the parish (there literally aren’t any other jobs around) and she’s knows that our priest will fire her.

Sometimes it’s difficult and I get scared about what everyone else might think, if they found out. But I’m happier with myself then I ever was. So all in all I’m glad that I’ve come full circle, even if I can’t be ‘all out’ yet, I’m still out to myself and that for me was the greatest and hardest achievement.

This is the first time I've ever told my whole story. Thx for listening, It's great to be able to talk to people who might have had the same sort of experiences

[Mister Gaga]

Your story is inspiring and is somehow like mine, except the fact that I omitted religion instead of hiding my feelings, and that's the best thing I did for a while, I admit.

Well, congratulations for your coming-out, your family is great =)

Good luck for the rest

[Ianthe]

Welcome to Empty Closets, and congratulations on coming out to your family.

Do you mean to be out at university? I understand you don't want to come out in your hometown.

[Agathax]

Mister Gaga: Yep, my family is pretty great, I never appreciated it fully until that moment when I came out, it was seriously make or break, if they'd rejected me...well I don't know what I'd have done.

Thank you so much for saying you saw something 'inspiring' in my story, I was a little bit worried people might judge me for how I behaved at times . It's good to know that you had a similar experience in a way, because it shows that other people have gone through the same sort of things but have come to terms with themselves eventually

Ianthe: I do mean to be out at University, mainly because I would like to meet other LGBT people and get some support from them, make some friends. Etc, who knows I might meet somebody special!

I sometimes wonder how it's only to be later on, when I possibly have a partner and would want them to meet my family. But I'll burn that bridge when I come it, I can invite by family to where I live even. It's just at the moment things are difficult for us financially, so my mum's job is really important.