Think I've finally wrang all the BS out and have the truth

[cscipio]

This is very similar to a post I did in the other advice section - sorry for that. I've spent quite a bit of time reflecting and revising. This is what I intend to read to my closest friends face to face and email to the rest that I can't read it to. I think I've weeded every bit of BS, deflecting, defending, and wishful thinking out of it. I'd be curious of opinions. I'm scared ***-less to follow through with it - that will be the hard part.

Start here:

I haven’t demonstrated outstanding character and want to correct it. I hope this doesn’t damage our relationship.

It’s pretty obvious that I avoid relationships and go out of my way to not date. I want to clear the air. I thought of myself as bi-sexual with a far greater attraction to men than women. I’ve avoided telling people this because I thought I could make it go away by finding a girlfriend that did it for me and it wouldn’t matter any more. I’ve fought, recently, with a serious bout of depression which was partially responsible for my second motorcycle wreck that totaled my bike. That got me soul searching and analyzing myself – I feel that my issue is two-fold. In part, while I feel I have a right to discretion, I feel as if I owe you, my closest friends, whom I consider family, this explanation. Second, it really draws me to the conclusion that I am, indeed gay.

I’ve avoided relationships with women because I’m usually not sexually attracted and didn’t want to get deep into a relationship and find out there’s nothing there and then have to figure out a way out of it. The few I’ve found sexually attractive are taken or fucked up in the head. The ones in the middle that I think I could become attracted to, but not sure, are too quick to want to have sex and my orientation makes me so anxious that it’s impossible to even fake it. I end up doing something stupid and embarrass myself or avoiding it altogether. It’s also frightening to me that if I pursued a relationship I may have to face the truth and come to realize I don’t like them at all.

As a result of all this, I’ve been 100% abstinent since I was 18 years old.

I’m no longer confident in what I want. I still think, in my heart, that I want a relationship with a woman. But I’m not sure if that’s just upbringing and social conditioning. I rarely meet one who is arousing and my fantasies usually don’t include them. On the other side, I don’t really have any intentions of dating men, despite the feelings in my mind; it goes against my belief system and would harm my personal sense of dignity. I’m sure that some would say that’s harmful to me overall, but, it is what it is.

I’m telling this to you because I just finally want to clear the air and ask for your acceptance. It allows me to not have to stress over excuses with my closest friends as to why I get older and older and remain single. Finally, it allows me to be honest and feel confident in my character.

From this, I have only two favors to ask of you. First, If this knowledge has harmed our relationship, I have to live with that consequence, though I’m terrified of it. However, I beg that you follow through with your philosophy and be direct and up-front with me. It would hurt me badly, but I can at least know where I stand. It would absolutely devastate me for you to say you’re not bothered yet come around less and less and eventually avoid me altogether. Second, no matter how you feel about it, I ask that you allow me to be in control of who knows and doesn’t. I have a strong mind and personality, but I don’t have the strength to wear this on my sleeve – especially while I still sort things out. I’m not confident, and would like to keep it discreet – possibly for a long, long time. Overtime, I’m sure I’ll divulge, but I want to do it my way and to people I feel will understand, and at least not persecute me or damage my reputation.

Finally, nothing changes. I’m no different after this acknowledgement than before. I still have the exact same sense of humor, likes, dislikes, and interests as before. I won’t tolerate change in behavior from others as a result of this new information. I don’t need champions, or want you to be hyper-sensitive to your own words, jokes & comments, or the words and actions of others. I’m an adult.

Honestly, I don’t know where I go from here. Some days I still wake up and fancy women - usually I don’t. Most days I wake up and just don’t want to think about it.

I’m more than happy to answer questions. You deserve to be able to ask them. Again, I sincerely hope I’m not viewed as deceitful – I’ve only recently come to terms with myself enough to be able to come to terms with others. I also hope that you won’t abandon me. I’m the exact same person as I was before this, please understand that.

[jimL]

I don't know you and I don't know your friends, so I may be way off but, I find this letter somewhat confusing. At the end of the first paragraph you say you are gay then you spend the rest of the letter telling how confused you are and why you don't want to be or can't be with a women and how you don't want to be with men either. I think your letter leaves the reader very confused. I would suggest that you be very careful about the defense and/or demanding language (e.g. I won't tolerate).

You also ask for complete control over who knows/finds out this information. From my experience, the second you tell someone you have lost control. People WILL talk, period. Don't expect them to keep your secret.

I'm not trying to beat up on you I think you just need to be very thoughtful about how the reader will take you letter. Good luck. I wish you all the luck in the world with this, it's a tough place to be. Alot of us have been there.

[Sunsetting]

dude, i love it. you are expressing just where you're at (even the confusion part is honest) and where your friends are at in relationship to you.

[Artemicion]

The letter's well written and I don't see any problems in it so far. Good luck!

[cscipio]

Thanks for the honest feedback, espically you, Jim.

You're absolutely correct - I still am in a state of confusion. To me, the letter is meant to say exactly what Sunsetting said - Here's where I am, I'm no longer flying stealth. I still have no clue where I'm gonna land this jet though. That's the hardest part for me. I chickend out again last night. Same friend who I really want to tell before any others stopped by last night. He gave me at least 3 segways into me pulling the letter out which I had conveniently placed on the kitchen table right in front of where we were sitting. I just couldn't do it. That makes me question one thing - am I putting too much thought into this? Do I really need to read a 2 page confession to my best friend?

I'm considering going about this (to my closest friends who I'll talk to - not send a letter to) differently:

"I need a couple minutes just to ramble. I've been depressed and have done a lot of thinking recently. I've been struggling with being bisexual for quite some time. I feel as if I may have decieved you; but, it wasn't on purpose. I thought that if I could find a girlfriend who piqued my interests, I could live a straight life, which, in my heart, I think I want to. What I've found is that this isn't working out. I'm beginning to come to grips that I perhaps I really don't have a straight side. I don't seem to ever find myself aroused by women at all anymore. I'm not sure what to do from here, but, I wanted you to know what's in my heart."

[Sunsetting]

The second approach is good as well, to me you are doing well no matter how you felt about last night. Either way, letter or conversation, you are being honest and more genuine exchanges will follow.

I have expressed where I'm at in two hour conversations with some people and given other friends two page letters. Judging from the time you're putting into this, expect anything in between. You are doing well and getting it out there to people you love may be challenging, but it will also free you up.

[jimL]

Originally Posted by cscipio

"I need a couple minutes just to ramble. I've been depressed and have done a lot of thinking recently. I've been struggling with being bisexual for quite some time. I feel as if I may have decieved you; but, it wasn't on purpose. I thought that if I could find a girlfriend who piqued my interests, I could live a straight life, which, in my heart, I think I want to. What I've found is that this isn't working out. I'm beginning to come to grips that I perhaps I really don't have a straight side. I don't seem to ever find myself aroused by women at all anymore. I'm not sure what to do from here, but, I wanted you to know what's in my heart."

Awesome!!!! This sounds truly from your heart. Most importantly it's non confrontational and not defensive. And, as to the letter, sometimes less is better. I wrote a letter to read to my mom and dad. I got through the first two sentences and couldn't read it anymore because my mind was not focusing, so I just put it down and talked to them. It went well.

It takes a lot of courage to do what you are about to do! It's very difficult, but be strong, your true friends will always be there for you no matter what!

---------- Post added 20th Jan 2012 at 08:06 AM ----------

I also wanted to say, throw away all those social pressures. Don't do what I did and waste most of your life hiding who you are from all those people that tell you how you should live your life. I came out last June to my wife of 23 years at 57 years of age. That is my biggest regret in life. You have many many good years ahead of you. Be who you are and no one else!