Going to tell mum and dad!

[hert3583]

I don't know if the title of the thread really means what I want it to, but that's really irrelevant anyway.

Basically, I'll give you a brief history of where I am, before citing the reason for my post.

I am in my second year at Uni now. I come from Northern Ireland, but went to England for University, and it's the best decision I ever made. I am, and always have been, gay. Growing up in Northern Ireland was really hard for me, because the morals are so conservative and traditional there, and the nobody (and I really mean nobody) ever came out as anything other than stereo typically straight. Gay people just didn't "exist" as it were. As such then the attitudes to gay people are really negative in general, and I grew up being told that "gays" were wrong in every sense of the word.

I once recall, sitting in primary school in what would be Year 6, at the age of 10, and my teacher telling us that she didn't think gay people should be allowed to adopt children because they'd corrput and infect the children.

Not surprisingly, I was a very repressed individual. I tried to convince myself that I could like girls, that I liked "that girl" say. I lied to myself, and everyone I knew. And I thought "This is it, I'm going to die alone" because I could never have dated or married a girl, and I believed I would never be able to tell anyone I was gay, never mind actually having a boyfriend or husband in the future. I resigned myself to my sad fate, and allowed my mind to wander down darker avenues than I let people know.

Then I came to England for University, and I thought "This is it, maybe I can tell someone. Maybe I can be open from the start." That didn't really work. I was so scared people would see my identity as "gay" and not as "Jamie who happens to be gay" and that they'd reject me, because up until then I associated gay and rejection at a fundamental level. So I kept quiet. All throughout the first term, and it was ok. Yeah, I hated all the straight guy chat about girls and such, but being in a completely new environment with new people, I had enough to occupy me for a term getting to know people that it didn't really matter.

Then in the second term, once friendships had been firmly established I began to sank deeper and deeper into a mire of my own despair and hurt. I would spend whole days lying in my room, without the motivation to live, with despair knotted in my chest. I didn't know what to do. I felt that if I could never tell anyone here, where people were so liberal and open minded, how could I ever go on. I saw no way forward.

It got to the end of the term. People had noticed I wasn't happy at all, but I couldn't do anything about it.

It was a Sunday night, and me and a few friends had been watching a film. I had been listening to Yann Tiersen's song Comptine D'un Autre Ete, L'apres Midi. It's a really beautiful son, but it also really moves you and listening to it I felt my pain well up and I knew I needed to do something. After the film we went for some greasy kebab food at 1am (don't judge :P) and went back to college. My closest friend at Uni, in my life really, went back to her room for some time and I said I was going to bed. Sitting in my room, feeling the pain I covered up around everyone, I realised if I didn't tell someone it would destroy and I would eventually do something I might otherwise regret.

So I went to my friend in her room, and I said I had something to tell her. I sat down on her bed and cried for 3o minutes as the words jarred in my throat. Eventually, cracked and a bit broken up, the words crept out of my mouth. And she just hugged me, and hugged me and sat with me and let me cry. She showed me I didn't have to be afraid there, and I let all the pain.

It was so liberating, so freeing and uplifting telling someone finally. It's really hard to share a part of yourself that you have kept to yourself for 18 years, but I had finally managed to do that.

After that, it became easier to tell people, and so I had within a few weeks told all my close friends at Uni, after which I didn't mind who knew there. At home, I plucked up the courage to tell a small group of my closest friends, who were all brilliant (one of them actually came out to me at the same time as I came out to him).

That was about 1 year ago. In the last year I have come a long way and am much more confident in my myself. My friends tell me I seem happier and like I'm really being myself, and that they can now see that it was pretty obvious I was gay before I came out to them.

But there are still 4 people I want to come out to that I haven't: my parents and my sisters. It's been really hard because they are obviously so important to me, and I wanted to let them know but I didn't know how to tell them.

It had always been my idea that whilst I was at Uni I would wait to tell my parents, until I was living on my own, which would leave me with another 2.5 years. However, last week, I got a message from a friend from home who knows about me. She said that another girl in my year who I hadn't told somehow knew about me, and when traced back she discovered that there is a girl in 4th year at my college who went to my school at home, and she told some of her friends from home. One of those told their sister, who was in my year at school. This girl also has a brother in my sisters year at school. Needless to say, I completely freaked out. I panicked and I didn't know what to do. I asked those who knew about me to lie to anyone who asked them because I panicked and was scared.

And then I was angry because I had been feeling so great, so happy in myself, and then this happened and I realised that I am not complete, finished yet, because I have this huge weight hanging over me. The first 3 days last week, it was ok because I had 6 hours of exams to revise for, but after that, with nothing to do, my mind began to dwell. I looked for a way out, and I was scared, and I began to catch myself thinking about and dwelling on ways to kill myself. I didn't want to think like that, but I couldn't help it. And I wanted to talk to someone, but I didn't know how to talk about that, because I was afraid people would think I was being melodramatic, or attention seeking.

I should have remembered how my friends reacted to my coming out. If I had, I might have been able to sort it out sooner. On Wednesday past I went to a friend's house - the first person I told. I stayed over because we had watched a film late and then it would be a good 40 minute walk back in the rain. We sat talking to about 4 in the morning, and I managed to tell her. And she helped me talk through a lot of stuff, and brought me back from the edge.

She helped me realise that they only way I could be really happy and content would be to tell my parents, and that it was imperative that I do it soon. She helped me realise that if my fear of my parents knowing made me feel like that, then it wasn't worth putting off any sooner and it was important not to, for better for worse.

I have since spoken to a few friends about it, and they've been really supportive. They've offered to let me stay with them if things go bad at home.

You see the problem is my dad is a minister and my mum and sisters are all really religious. Now, I know that's not a barrier all the time, because I have some Christian friends at Uni who are completely OK with it. But my mum and dad are part of a brand of Christianity that is really fundamentalist and conservative, the kind which thinks being gay is moral bankruptcy and which thinks that it can be cured with excessive prayer. The kind which thinks it's just wrong basically.

I am pretty certain that my mum and dad's initial reaction would be to say that I can go to Christian counselling, or talk to a minister and that they'll help me pray it away. The thing is, a) I don't share their religious belief at all, and b) I don't believe there is anything wrong with me, I don't think there is anything to fix or that it could even be fixed even if I were to try. So I will end up trying to refuse this request as best I can without my heart breaking that my parents think I'm "wrong". That's when the problems will start I can imagine.

I know my mum will cry, and that's part of the reason why I'm so scared to tell them. I know they won't be happy that they'll be angry and hurt. I'm afraid they'll think I'm doing it to hurt them. I'm not, I'm doing it for myself, because I think I have the right to be honest, open and happy. I have the right to not feel like I want to die. I'm doing it because I respect and love my parents, irrespective of whether or not I agree with their beliefs.

I'm still really, really scared. Like heart in my mouth scared, but I have also got a sense of some resolve in the issue now, a sense of direction. I think I'm going to tell my parents within the year. I know that seems really long, but I'm worried that if their reaction is particularly bad, e.g. I have to leave home bad, it could effect my exams in June which are for 40% of my degree. I just think it's not worth messing up the rest of my life potentially. So I think I'll tell them after my exams in June, when I'm off on summer holidays, but I can't say I won't tell them sooner if I feel I can' put it off.

I've just come to the point where I can't put it off, I have to know either way what they'll think, even if it hurts, which I think it will initially. I don't expect them to be ok even really soon after I tell them - heck it took me years, and as much as it hurts, I know it could be years before they are ok with it. I want to show them that I didn't choose this, but that I'm happy with who I am. In the future, if I was with someone I really love, and want to spend the rest of my life with, that's something I would want to share with them.

I just feel really sad to think that my relationship with my mum and dad is going to change from what it is. I do really love my parents, and I don't want to cause them pain, but I can't keep on being what they want, I have to be me.

Wow, that was mega long. I just found it useful to organise my thoughts and put everything down. I'd also appreciate any advice about telling parents and coping with their reactions.

[Artemicion]

Hm...wow. I have to say, I connect with a lot of your experiences.

I'd say, when you gather your courage and decide to tell your family or just your parents, try to keep your emotions steady, temper level-headed if any backlash crops up. Are you planning to tell them in person? Or alternative indirect methods (like a letter)?

I would suggest having a pre-written speech if you know you're the kind of person to kind of choke up when it comes to emotional things. Unfortunately, my parents aren't really religious (nor are they Christian) so no idea how you would cope with their reactions (I'm sure someone who's Christian can help answer this part...). But one thing that I do know how to cope with is, if they go into denial. I would say the ball is now in their court and it is now their turn to bring the issue to you. Again, I may be wrong .

Otherwise best of luck to you!

-Felix

[Sadepeura]

Thank you for sharing your story! You're a very good writer. I actually cried a bit when reading the bit when you told your best friend at uni. I don't have any advice to give you, because it sounds like you have a good plan.

I'm from a tiny town as well and know how the rumours always get around faster and further than one would think. But after all, people can never be sure whether they are true or not.

I hope everything goes well when you eventually tell your family. And yes, it's definitely a thing you need to do. And as you said, it might take them years to finally fully accept it, so the sooner you tell them, the sooner they'll accept it. And then one day, when you will have a boyfriend/husband it will all be good.

The best of luck!