My Coming Out Story

It was the first year after i graduated from High School. I had known i was gay for atleast 6 or 7 years and before that i really hadn't known for sure what it meant. I knew for sure though that i would never tell anyone i was gay, or even that i thought i might be. As time went on my courage grew and i thought well if my mom laughs at Ellen Degeneres jokes maybe she wouldnt mind so much if i was gay. I mean that was really my first big experience of seeing someone who was out, proud and gay... i remember becoming obsessed with her show. It didn't even matter that she was a Lesbian she was gay and so was i and we shared this bond, that no one around me knew while watching her, laughing at her jokes....then all of a sudden i'd hear someone say something derogitory about her, i may have chuckled silently, to not be caught, to not me called names, to not see my loved ones stared at me like i was a person at the circus with bewilderment and confusion.... no i was not going to be that. So as years went on all i ever thought about was how i could hide being gay, i plasted every poster of a female i could find all over my walls, WWE Divas, Christina Aguilera, Brittney Spears, Janet Jackson...while secretly knowing i wasnt displaying these women on my wall as sexual toys in some game of lust other teenages did, i actually admired these women, strong, beautiful, sucsesful, i was a wrestling fan since i was 5 years old it was one of the few male bonding rituals i genuinley liked. And it had nothing to do with there looks or packages or anything like that. Hulk Hogan was the cartoon like hero, Shawn Michaels was the playboy and acrobat i wanted to be like, and Bret Hart was inspirational athletes athlete.

But as time went on i found more inspirational stories about coming out, none that really come to mind as i read most of them online or from people themselves, that was usually my first question anytime i talked to anyone who was gay online. Anyway i eventually decided i would in fact come out, but exactly when i had no clue. When i think back of how many times during High School i almost came out i'd need atleast 4 sets of hands to count with. Some of the people i just decided could not be trusted to keep it a secret, others i just did not want to burden them with with the news, which at the time i felt like it may be a burden to them, anyway my Drama teacher was one of the first to really give me confidence, i was unlike my normal self in that class i was outrageous, clever, and fun. Something i could only be around my close friends or some family.

Anyway my teacher told us about her brother who was gay and how he had died of aids. She told us all about him as a person, and how much she loved him. She told us about the trials and tribulations of coming out. And she said that there was probably someone who was gay in her class as she was telling us this. We all of course looked around, many of us probably never really thinking about the possibility of someone amongst us being gay. But then people spoke up openly telling stories of how much they love and respect gay people, while others stared at there shoes, or other silently giggled, i just sat there a little stunned looking around which reaction should i show? do i want them to know? should i stand up and just yell....IM GAY!!! what would i do after i did that? would i stick around to see everyone's reactions? or would i run out the double doors and never return? *RING* Saved by the ringing of the bell it was now lunch time, that was really my basic day thinking about coming out...but not doing it. Eventually i graduated from High School, grew apart from most of my close friends, and just enjoyed spending time with my family.

Anyway time went on and i became closer then ever with my cousin. I had decided when i finally chose to came out it would be her who i told first. That's when it happened one day she came in my room after school slunk down a binder on top of my bed, asked if i wanted to play Mario Party...Our favorite game, we didn't care about the new systems, the gamecubes, the PS2's, we we're plenty happy with N64 and Mario Party. We played it for a few hours sitting at the end of my bed, playing various battles of Grab Bag, Mushroom Mix-Up, and Bumper Balls. She eventually was called out of the room when she left she forgot her binder, i saw a paper sticking out which had a myspace logo on it.... i was intriuged afterall Myspace.com was a growing phenomenon with members by the millions, at the time i stuck to only adding close friends and family, but when i saw this paper i saw a cute smiling face and thought he looked gay, then i read this "blog" as there called and i sunk down in my bed, a sole tear flowing down my cheek as i knew that what he said here, is exactly how i had felt most of my life in high school.

I thought why does my cousin have this printed out paper of a blog by a gay guy at her school? does she know him? was she planning on showing me this? what's going on? am i out? did i tell her somehow? anyway i stuffed the paper back in her binder, left my room went and got a pop she was slumped out on the couch watching the tv, she sat up when she saw me and said with a distinctively squeaky loud voice "Christy-Fur!!" her nickname for me i of course replied with my nickname for her and my own imitation of her voice we then talked about who knows what, nothing was out of the ordinary afterall we had been playing video games, so she doesnt know.

Anyway later in the day my other cousin who is somewhat homophobic came acrossed the paper and made sometype of derogatory comment about the kid calling him by name. I didn't comment on it eventually i just chose to leave the room, Nothing bothered me anymore i had heard it all a dozen times they had no clue i was "Gay" so why should i give them reason to think i was by saying something to him. Anyway i eventually looked up this person, read everyone of his blogs and courageously type up a long message to him.... i sat there blankly staring at the words i just type, scared knowing i would be coming out to someone who knew many of the same people i did, how would he react? What if he told someone who know's my cousins... Anyway i pressed send.

And basically the rest is history, i started a breif but unremarkable 3 week relationship. Which of course was secret to everyone but me and him, and eventually my cousin and my mom. I had came out bravely and upfront to my cousin with him on the phone with my giving me encouragment to do what i thought was best, never pressuring me to come out. My cousin's reaction made me want to hug her and never let go, she smiled gave her little chuckle and said are you kidding me? are you serious? then i cried, she had no clue i was gonna cry she hugged me and said she loved me and and always would and she then became quizative if me and him we're a couple and so on.

My mom was next for my to come out to, this would be a little bit harder. Afterall if she didn't accept me i would literally feel like i have no reason for living. But i told her while we we're driving (WHICH I DO NOT RECCOMEND!) But honestly we lived in a huge house with lots of relatives and it was the best choice, we we're alone. She sat silently trying not to cry, i'm sure the thoughts of me never being married, never having kids, all flashed through her head. But eventually she told me are you sure? and then said maybe i just didn't know yet, i told her i knew i was gay and even openly told her i was dating someone. We had a few breif little disagreements later in the day about it, after i told her i could still get married and have children, she kind of sternly told me it is not the same. I cried....she hugged me.....and it was back to everyday life!

I eventually decided i did not want to be in the closet at all, i felt way to proud, way to happy, and the feeling of coming out was such a strong power for me, i felt invincible! So i decided after we moved which we had already decided we we're long before my coming out, After we moved i came out in perhaps a kind of shocking way, i came out via the internet! via Myspace.com via My Blog. I have many, many cousins! and they are not quiete people and for once i'm glad of it, as i wanted everyone to know. Time passed everything stayed basically the same way. My Grandpa felt a little weird around me at first and actually told my cousin that he thought i got turned gay by being hypnotized at the state fair i had went to a month before lol, in which i did many, many things while being hypnotize that many of my family never thought i would....

Not everything has been great about my coming out my relationship failed, my second one caused some bad vices for me, that i eventually got over. The a few more followed which has since soured me on dating in general. I'm sorry if i left out most details of my relationship but it really is better for me not to rehash things like that.....

 

Wow that was long.... sorry if i put anyone to sleep......

 

Thank you all for taking the time to read it, it mean's alot to tell my story even if now it's 2 years old for me. I'm thinking of celebrating the day in February this year as i didnt even think about last year when it had been 1 year. Anyway once again thanks everyone i really like this board so far and if i helped anyone even a little bit it means more to me then anything.

 

Thanks for the kind words i might eventually share more, and will gladly answer any questions to.

 

It's Mushroom Mix-Up!! and i love it to!! that was my favorite game to play actually! Also the WWE Divas Kick Ass i totally agree Trish and Lita returning at the 15th Anniversary to beat up Jillian was a pure classic moment!! Sorry if you like Jillian lol Lita and Trish will always be my favorites!! cause not only are they hot but they kick ass and take names, and are the only ones to regularly kick guys asses to.

 

Thank you Alex and i do love writing and someday i actually would love to write a tell all..... But i'm afraid only you and maybe my cousin would buy it

 

Thank you!!! youre to sweet.