Married guy - came out to kids this weekend

[jaz]

I stumbled across this site while searching on terms like "I just found out my dad is gay". My kids (19 (b), 17(g), 15(g), 13(g)) have just found out.
Married 20 yrs, I came out to my wife nearly 6yrs ago. We are still married, we are still very close (not physically). We decided not to tell the kids at that time (they would have been too young).
Well it's a long story, but had to tell them this weekend as there was a risk I was going to be outed.
It was, without a doubt, the hardest thing I have ever done - it was absolutely gut wrenching. But it was the right thing to do.
My eldest, my son, when my wife and I explained that we were not divorcing, that there isn't anyone else - said "So you are not leaving, you are not divorcing. So really nothing has changed then, has it?" I was so proud of him at that moment.
My youngest is very worried about bullying at school. I am not planning on telling everyone about this - what business is it of theirs? - but there is a risk that one of her friends could find out. She has taken it the hardest. I told them, encouraged them even, if they wanted to, to talk their closest friends. But my youngest said she couldn't do that - even her very closest friend wouldn't understand.
So the thing I have dreaded for the last 6 years has happened. So far no one screamed, no one hates me, no one has been anything but incredible.
I am glad we waited until they were older before having to deal with this.

And that is my story - for what it is worth.

[Sunsetting]

It's worth a ton. Thank you for sharing and even tho i'm not in the same situation, I will do my best to support you and there are plenty of other guys here who are in similar situations to you. Again, thanks for sharing man, I'm with you.

[Eleanor Rigby]

I'm always very moved and impressed with stories like yours. It took a lot of courage to come out to your wife and children. I'm very glad everybody is ok with the news so far.
Congratulations, you can be proud of yourself , Cécile

[Tracker57]

That story means a lot to me. I have not told my kids yet. This gives me courage to go ahead one day. Thanks for sharing his and welcome to the site. There are several guys in our same situation. We are all handling things slightly differently, but we all need each other. I hope to see you around here often.

Tracker

[Alex19]

are u ever going to divorce? i mean, you obviously arent physically intimate cuz u like men, so.. not to get intrusive but im curious as to how this is working out for u guys. does this mean u have an open marriage? like, do u see men on the side and does she? especially as a man, you have physical needs (and emotional) and ur hand can only go so far.. sorry if this post comes off as insensitive- i mean the utmost respect

[mnguy]

Welcome and congrats on being so brave! There are quite a few other members who were/are married with kids and came out. I hope everything gets better for you and your family. Take care

[jaz]

Thanks for all the kind and supportive comments.

@Tracker57 - it took a very long time to get to this place - and I am very worried about what it has done to my children. But they are old enough to understand now. I wish I could just say that everything will be fine now, but what I can say is that it is better than it was.

@Alex19 - no plans, but it is likely. Yes we have an open arrangement. It is not ideal. Truth be told neither of us has done very much about it.

@Sunsetting, mnguy and Eleanor Rigby - thanks so much for you comments. I may be new to this site, but I have been on others like it, and there is so much support out there from complete strangers. it is humbling. Thank you all.

[Alex19]

well, so long as it works out for both you in the end, who is anyone to judge?

[Chouchou]

Hello, jaz. First off, to EC. Second, I applaud you for your courage in doing the right thing, as incredibly difficult as it was. I am happy to hear that things have gone well, and wish you and your family all the best for the future.

[Chip]

Hi, Jaz, and welcome to EC.

First, as others have said, what you did was courageous and, while necessary, undoubtedly one of the hardest things you've ever done, so congrats on that, and congrats on raising kids that see it as not a really big deal.

Secondly, as for your youngest child... I think there are two issues going on there. The early teen years are pretty much the height of the egocentric, self-focused time in life; it's most obvious in things like having to have particular clothes, or a certain type of lunchbox or something... but it also manifests as a desire to be 100% conformist to everyone else. So anything that makes them different is scary, and, of course, can open up the door to ridicule or bullying.

What part of the country are you in? Many states have pretty strong laws dealing with school bullying, and it might be sensible to look into what the regulations are in your school district (or state) regarding that. Oftentimes, even if the laws are in place, you have to do a little arm-twisting to get school principals to actually enforce the law, but there are a number of resources that can help with that.

I'm also guessing that this is gut-wrenching for you not just because you had to tell your kids, but because you don't sound like you're yet really prepared yourself to be totally out, and that, too can be tough when you're still dealing with a lot of shame or self-hate or concerns about what others will think or say. And that's something that EC can be really good at helping you work through.

If you need help with resources for school bullying, PM me. I have some resources, and our other staff members include a liaison to PFLAG and a clinical social worker who is familiar with dealing with these sorts of things, so we're here to help.

I might also suggest that your kids might find EC a valuable place to understand some of what's going on for you, and be able to address their own fears and concerns. While we don't have a lot of "allied family members" as members yet, it's a part of our membership that is slowly growing and the community is very open to providing that sort of support to anyone who needs it.

[Ianthe]

Before long, you can expect one or more of your kids to come and ask you if you can really be happy in a marriage like that. Be forewarned.

If you want support for the kids of LGBT parents, you should check out COLAGE. It's a whole organization just for them.

In the long run, they will want you to be happy, you and your wife both, and they will know that it can't happen while you are staying together in a marriage where you aren't in love.

I think one of the most difficult things for kids when their parents get divorced is the feeling of powerlessness--the kids are not usually consulted about what is going to happen. Since your youngest is 13, all of them are old enough to have reasonable conversations. Sometimes, parents are so used to having to make all the decisions for their kids that they don't notice that the kids are old enough to participate in some of it.

Instead of just making the decision with your wife, you can include your kids in the conversation. Let them be there and influence the plans that are made. You and your wife ultimately have to make the final decisions, but you can make sure that you talk to them and find out what they really think and how they really feel about things, instead of just assuming you know, before your decisions are final.

If they are involved in the conversation and they can see the deliberative process in which everyone's needs and feelings are considered, they will feel a lot better about the decisions that are made.

The other thing you can do, is do your best to maintain a good enough friendship with your wife that you can still spend time together, and particularly holidays and things like that. The biggest way that divorce goes on effecting kids into adulthood is that they are forever having to choose which parent's house to go to for Christmas, and when they get married, they have to deal with the awkwardness of having both parents there, and things like that. That goes on forever.

(My parents are divorced, can you tell?)

I also agree with Chip that it would be good for your kids to come here for support as well.

And I will say this, because it is true for both you and your children: it is secrets and shame that will really cause you unhappiness.

You say "why should I tell them?" But I would say rather, "why should you have to spend your life hiding things from them, when you have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of?"

Telling the truth is so much easier, it turns out. One day you will look back and be amazed how much of your energy, how much of your thoughts, were spent on keeping your secret.

[jimL]

Hi Jaz, Welcome to EC. Married guy here and I just come out to my wife of 23 years and family last June. I don't have kids so your situation is much more difficult than mine. It's really good to hear that most of the kids are taking it well. The thing that I have learned is that it sometimes it just takes time for people to process this big change. Hopefully your daughter will come around and be more comfortable with it as time permits. It's unfortunate that you are being outed, a lot of us have experienced that, and I am also glad that your kids found out from you and not someone else, that's the most important thing! Good luck.

[Jim1454]

Hi there and welcome to EC. I was also married and had 2 daughters when my wife and I separated. I didn't tell my girls immediately either, as they were 4 and 6 at the time. But I only waited another 2 years - so they were 6 and 8 when I came out to them. And they understood and took it well. I was seeing someone by then, so they immediately met my boyfriend and his 2 kids (so they've had their own little support group I suppose - which has likely helped).

But this hasn't been an issue. They love my (now) husband - they were in our wedding this past summer. It's really quite amazing that at least my younger one has shared with her teacher the fact that she has 3 dads now (as my ex wife has also remarried). I'm not sure how openly they talk about it with their friends, but it hasn't been a problem for them.

In my mind you took a risk waiting - because you don't know what kind of message your kids have received at school through their teens about gays. It's great that 3 out of 4 have responded fairly positively. It certainly is their choice to maintain privacy around this issue, but it's something that all 4 of them will likely have to agree on - as I would think word might get around if 1 or 2 of them share this news with their friends.

You also need to be prepared to be outed, which at the beginning can be very scary. It certainly would depend on where you live, and what kind of attitude your friends and family have towards homosexuality. I had no issues other than with our Minister, and we as a result don't attend that church any more. (They're loss!)

Feel free to reach out to me or anyone else here on staff to talk one on one if you'd like.

[55butnotalive]

Jaz. Lucky you, you get to hear from another guy in your situation! I've been married for 35 years and am in the middle of coming out right now. You have a wide range of people in similar situations to yours - some behind where you are, some at the same place, and some ahead of you. Feel free to lean on any of us.

I came out to my kids, (31, 30, 27) two weeks ago. My wife and I are in the process of divorcing on very good terms! If you want details, check out my ongoing thread: Coming Out Countdown.

I find myself coming to this site a couple times a day to see the advice, comments, and support I've received. Also, I feel free to give my own two-cents worth.

Welcome to EC!!

[andcelinasays]

I'm so proud that you finally told the people you care about so much. you're a brave man to do that. I had a question for you, when you first met and married your wife -were you physically attracted to her, honestly? Was your honeymoon passionate? Did you date other women before her? I ask because I came out later in life (as a lesbian) and for a while I sincerely thought I was into men. I didn't realize I was gay until I was about 22. I officially came out at 24. I wanted to know if you knew you were gay when you were younger.

[confusedbeaa]

Originally Posted by andcelinasays

I'm so proud that you finally told the people you care about so much. you're a brave man to do that. I had a question for you, when you first met and married your wife -were you physically attracted to her, honestly? Was your honeymoon passionate? Did you date other women before her? I ask because I came out later in life (as a lesbian) and for a while I sincerely thought I was into men. I didn't realize I was gay until I was about 22. I officially came out at 24. I wanted to know if you knew you were gay when you were younger.

I would also be interested in finding this out too, as i am 20 and have only just realised i might be not entirely heterosexual and am finding it very hard to deal with
and celina? how did you deal with it when you realised? i'm finding it very hard to cope with my feelings, and how did you meet women? x