Moving in the right direction

[cscipio]

So...it's not the friend I've been wanting to come out to - the one who I think would crush me the most if he thought less of me when he finds out; however, I had a chance to have a good, honest, and straight faced conversation with a very, very close friend tonight. I can't express how lifting it is to have been able to talk about what I've been feeling without judgement, embarassment, or anything else.

Folks - I'm certainly no expert on the subject. I still struggle with "am I gay or am I very bias toward men bi." I still describe myself as 100% hetro-romantic, 80% Homo-erotic. I'm sure each of us has a story we tell ourselves and what is true and I struggle with it. For now, I'm sticking with how I describe myself....If you're struggling with things, find a friend, a true, true, friend and just tell all. Hold nothing back - I've only been depressed once in my life that I know of - that depression just ended tonight, I've never felt so relieved. That other friend, though super close, though super scary to me in the coming out scheme now holds no power should he choose to reject me - I know I have an ally after tonight.

Back to my story. My one friend I'm completely out to was kind of a flop when I originally told him. It was a very quick conversation that quickly went back to joking and different subjects. For a couple weeks I even felt so ashamed that I avoided talking to him. He called today to go out for a drink - I took him up. We met and just had the best of conversations as if not a thing had changed. The conversation segwayed toward sexuality and I had the chance to take a solid 30 minutes to explain myself. Not that I felt I owed anybody an explanation; but, that I felt I had so much cooped up inside of me that I just had to tell somebody. He listened brilliantly. He even tried to relate - asking thoughtful questions - "Is it the male form that is attractive to you, I can recognize a male body and respect the beauty of sculpture...." He explained that he went through an experimental state and 'made out' with a guy in highschool - trying to make me feel at ease and relate to the best he could (he's straight, before the thread goes that way). It was so easy to just flow with the conversation and explain what I liked and what I didn't. He was understanding in what I want in a relationship vs not. He listened well enough to jokingly offer to help find me a woman who'd "be willing to allow you to have some 'd' from time to time." Anyhow, for those of you who wonder - find a good listening friend and let it out. I can only hope for you that it went as well as me. I thought it was a lost cause and that I was going to have to find a whole new set of friends, move, paranoid thoughts, ad nausium. Again, I've only been terribly depressed once in my entire life that I can recall. I'm better now thanks to a good friend with a good ear.

[nydtc]

This is great news. There is nothing like that sense of relief when you share what has most effected us and get we have held so close to our chest for too long. Keep us posted on the rest of your journey.

[jimL]

That is a great story. It is so cool to have a good friend that will listen to you. I also have loved talking about being gay to friends, it's just such a huge release after hiding for so many years. I just gota be careful about boring them. Haha!

[Sunsetting]

you are a brilliant writer. thank you for your clear and honest sharing, i would only hope for a situation like this/these. i think both your expressiveness in writing and the outcomes in your situations come from the same core values; your genuineness and honesty. thank you again for your sharing. you are brilliant

[cscipio]

Thanks all for the well wishing. Appreciate your feed back and giving me some place to share.