So for those of you that don't know me.....I started the coming out process last June. I started off with my brother then my wife and then throughout the summer to other family and friends. Not long after this process started my wife's family started having some serious health issues and then even the death of her dad. Then we ended up having to deal with her mom's health and mental issues. Sooooo, my wife has been completely distracted since I came out to her. I haven't pushed the issue, she just needed my support through this difficult time. I have been very anxious through. I have felt like I was "stuck" because I didn't want to create more stress on her than she already has. On top of all this her transgender brother, now her sister, was being a total butt head at the funeral and all the family gatherings that have been necessary with all this stuff going on. This last weekend we were sitting in the spa and she asked me how I was doing now that I have told everyone that I wanted to tell about me being gay (about 75 people now know) and now I am in the "what now phase." I reminded her that I still had not talked to my nephew and his wife and that I was looking forward to getting that over so I just don't have to think about telling the "next" person (a lot of you know how that feels). We then talked about how I was doing. She apologized for not being able to be there for me in "my" time of need. I really really wanted to just say "I can't do this anymore" but I couldn't. I can't stress how much I wanted to say it! She then said that she wanted me to be sure and let her know how I was feeling and what was going on. I guess the good thing is that she is now ready to deal with the possibilities of loosing me. I'm really scarred about the future. Part of me wants to start over and the other part just can't imagine it. I'm going crazy.
Well, first thing you and your wife ought to come to grips with is that that you don't have to be dead to each other, just because you're not married anymore. There is a life for the two of you waiting after marriage, and it can be a wonderful life. She will always be like a second mom to you, in a way, no matter what. She isn't going to stop being a part of you just because you've moved on. I don't know if it can ever be that easy for you, but my first was coming from a previous marriage. They knew each other. His wife knew me, and I think she liked me. I tried to be courteous to her, and I acknowledged her as someone who helped make my lover into the wonderful person he was...and is, even though we've moved on from each other. We still write, and we still talk. I hope that helps.
It sounds like she is starting to think about what the future will be for the two of you. That is something you both will have to decide on. My wife and I discussed it several times and we both pretty much agreed that the marriage was over. When we separated, we knew that we wanted to stay in each others lives. We have kids, so it was an easy decision. I moved someplace very close to the house and I see the kids and her almost every day. Most weekday visits are anywhere from 5 minutes to 30 minutes. On weekends, we all go to church together and then go out to eat. This was all stuff that we discussed and decided on before I moved out. Maybe you should start talking about what if's with her and see where that goes. You have to take a step forward at some point in time. I know you are very concerned about her happiness, but you also have yours to deal with. Neither of you will be 100% satisfied in the end. Working together, you two can help equalize the outcome. Don't be afraid of the future. Start picturing it now. Start the imagination process. You need to try to figure out where you want to go and what you want to do.
It clearly cant go on like this. Doesnt seem like you have much of a choice, to be honest. The question isnt if you're going to leave her, the question is when. Sorry.
Well first, it sounds like you have an amazing wife who understands and cares. I'm sure that at some level she knows what it means for you to get further down the path of coming out. So it sounds like you need to just give some thought to what your next steps are. And that depends totally on what you're after. If you're looking for a long-term relationship (or just hookups) then you probably do need to think in terms of separating from your wife. No question that's hard. But it's the right thing for you and for her. So maybe it's time to just start talking about that, assuming it is what you want. And if you're not sure... you still have time to wait.
