My story at 34

As I've mentioned in passing on some other threads, I didn't accept being gay until December of last year at age 34. Until then, I lived a very straight (in outward appearance) lifestyle. What people didn't know or suspect was I'd been looking at gay porn since I was young. It started out really watching movies with male nudity and then branched out to internet-based viewing when I was working on my undergrad in 1996. Yet, I still couldn't admit to being gay and rationalized it to subconsciously being gay since I didn't have a girlfriend, even though there were some girls I developed feelings for. Looking back now, it was a mental crutch that kept me from realizing a beautiful truth about myself. I liked men, yet the fear of discovery was paralyzing. I never bought bought porn or adult magazines since they could easily be discovered. I fastidiously cleared my browsing history after every viewing session. I absolutely made sure to avoid anything that would lead someone to think of me as gay.

After I graduated when I Master's Degree in 2009, I spent a year looking for work and found nothing. I ended up at my old job that I had sworn I'd never return to, but money was tight. After putting up with the same mismanagement for six months, I decided to return to school, but this time in New York. One, it had a really good Museum Studies program and two, I can safely come to terms with my homosexuality free of discovery by friends and family. I did nothing the first semester, but in December, I finally logged into the anonymous chat room for the school's LGBT center and spoke with a counselor for about an hour. She encouraged me to come in and meet with someone face to face. I came in the following week and for the first time in my life, I spoke to someone about being gay. It was a safe, non-judgmental environment run by other gays, lesbians, and their allies. It was a distinctly odd feeling talking to someone about this as it was an issue I had taken such pains to hide. All my life, I had these really strict rules, guidelines if you will, on how I would run my life. I could look, but never touch. Nor could I ever tell anyone. Just by being there, I was violating the very principals on which I had based nearly 20 years of existence on.

Things started to rapidly develop after that. The center had a library so I started reading books on embracing being gay and how-to guides on coming out. I also started devouring their video library watching pro-gay documentaries, movies that featured gay story lines and issues, and anything that could help me to better understand what it meant to be a gay man. The new semester started and with it the first meeting of Queer Grads, a reserved time for gay and lesbian grad and PhD. students to meet, talk about their lives, and have easy, free flowing conversations. I took another leap of faith and walked into the Diversity Center in my neighborhood to see what activities and information they had. On their wall was a postcard that advertised a meet up group for gay geeks - people like me who grew up on comics, fantasy and sci-fi, and video games. I walked out of that office more alive and happier than I'd been in a very long time. Things were really falling into place for me. The group was having a trivia night the following Sunday. The organizer was more than happy to accommodate my RSVP via e-mail rather than through Facebook since I was (and still am) leery of the website's invasive nature. The trivia night proved to be a lot of fun and featured men and women from their teens to their early fifties. Here, finally, was a group that I could actually feel a part of. There next event is a geek Pictionary night. I'll have to write later on how that goes, but looks pretty interesting.

For many, many years, I had a running dialogue in my head of the various conversations I would have with people should I ever decide to accept being gay and come out. The anxiety behind the various scenarios certainly did not help my situation, but I knew it was the next logical step. I was very fortunate when I found out a friend of mine from my graduate school was moving to New York too to start school. We agreed to room together and eventually found a two-room apartment in Queens. Through our various conversations about the news and world events, I found out that he was very gay friendly and fully supported marriage rights for gays and lesbians. I found this very comforting since I was really rare to hear from a straight male such pro-gay sentiments. Like any other day, we got to talking about the news. I was sitting on the floor in the living room (we're college students - couches are for rich people), when the topic of gay marriage being passed in Washington came up. I had already decided at one point that I would come out to him. I just needed an intro (an obvious stalling tactic on my part) and this happened to be the best time. In a halting confession, I told him I was gay. If he had stared closely at me, he would have noticed my entire body shaking as if I was five years old again and I'd just been caught doing something bad. He absolutely had no problem with and actually cheered when I told him that he was the first person I'd come out to. I was afraid that our really good, open relationship would be jeopardized now that he knew he was living with a gay man, but what happened was nothing. Nothing changed at all. We still sit down to watch t.v. shows, go to Starbucks, do out laundry together. It was a complete non-issue for him for which I'm extremely grateful. In a way, he has his own 'coming out' to do. His family, especially his grandparents who raised him, are very old south Christians. What they don't know is he has since converted to Buddhism. I jokingly tell him he needs to come out of the butsudan (Buddhist altar) now.

After that, life continued on as normal. I returned to my studies and started making trips to Manhattan's Gay Center where I became a member. Here was a safe refuge for people like me from all walks of life. There were men's groups, women's groups, classes for dragqueens, Bible study groups, networking opportunities, and so much more. I started making a list of other people I could come out to, those who I knew would support me. My parents (I have to wonder just how naive I am to what they know and suspect) will be coming up in May for a visit and that's when I will tell them as I feel this is something that needs to be done face-to-face. I'm still undecided on my best friend. That might have to be a video call as he currently lives in Florida.

The next person on the list is a woman I consider my mentor/surrogate mother. I went to work for her when I was fresh out of college at 23 years of age. Over the years I've had her absolute support, friendship, and encouragement regardless of where I was in the world. Last night, I sent her a casual e-mail inquiring about her health, family, and the projects she was working on. Today, she e-mailed me back a lengthy response and as I hoped, she asked if I was seeing anyone. So I told her. I went into a detail telling her how I absolutely trusted her with this aspect of my life and that I felt she needed to know. Her response brought tears to my eyes and I copy here for everyone to see:

FANTASTIC NEWS. James, I’ve always known you were gay – I wasn’t
sure if you knew it – but I’m thrilled for you that you finally have come to
accept yourself for the amazing and fantastic person you truly are!

I had to read her e-mail several times for the full reality to set in. I had someone in my life who fully supported me for who I am and loved me unconditionally. I said a quick prayer to God thanking Him for giving me such a blessed person in my life. I responded back and thanked her for her words and told her how much I needed to read that and how much she meant to me. This is what she replied with:

I have to tell you that since I got your email this morning, I’ve been smiling and
just so happy that you finally, finally can be who you are. When you told me you
were going to move to NY, I said to myself that maybe, just maybe, you will become who you were meant to be.

There are no words or expression of thanks and gratitude that I can say to her for how much that meant to me. I fully understand that her responses and that of my room mate are often not the case. Sometimes there is hate, violence, confusion, and loss of love, friendship, or family. I know how extremely fortunate I am and I pray to God that everyone on this board and other gay, lesbian, transgendered, every human out there has the same support and love that I do. The only person who was holding me back was myself. My life would be radically different had I accepted this at an earlier age, but I also acknowledge how this experience has shaped me. I am so much more confident and happier than I was in my teens and twenties.

To everyone on this board, I hope you have the same coming out experiences that I have had so far. If not, then I hope this community will serve as the family and friends you need in your beautiful life. Thank you for reading my story and I look forward to what this journey brings.

Sincerely,

JRNagoya

 

Well, there was the confusion surrounding my emotional feelings towards several girls I knew. One girl in particular really threw me for a loop. So much so I almost wrote her a love note confessing my feelings. Needless to say I didn't and I moved on. She eventually got married to some guy and I lost touch with her. Which is funny because though I was very emotionally wrapped up with my feelings towards her, none of them were sexual in the least. Nor did it stop me from having sexual urges or thoughts towards men. There was enough confusion there to cast doubts on my real sexual orientation and there was always that nagging thought, 'Maybe I'm not really gay, just overly patient for a straight man.' I guess at the time I was what would be called 'bi-romantic' - a term I didn't know existed until I started reading posts on this website.

Beyond that, I more or less grew up in the south in a town famous for its horses and elderly. LGBT clubs weren't happening in that part of the world in high schools during the mid-1990s. Then there were the family members and friends who periodically would make anti-gay statements, call things 'gay,' or disparage same-sex marriages. Each time I would hear those sentiments, I withdrew further into the closet. Reconciling my faith with my homosexuality was never a problem. The fear of what my grandparents would say or do on the other hand gave me nightmares.

In the end, it was just easier and safer to deny things, rather than seek help and guidance. Some people are born ready to embrace who they are. Others, like me, tend to get caught in the slow lane behind an elderly driver with a never-ending turn signal on. But I'm happy. I'm in New York and the opportunities are endless. That's what counts in the end.

 

It's responses like that that prompted me to share my story. The more I've actively started to read about coming out stories and disasters, the more I realized the hell that not only society, but ourselves as a marginalized segment, put us through. I am certainly not the poster child for early acceptance. I'm only out to the two people mentioned in my post, yet I do want to, how best to put this, encourage others to see themselves in a positive light. At one time I couldn't look in a mirror without an expression of self-loathing and disgust. I've long thought that the sexiest quality in an individual is confidence. I'm done with tearing myself down and mentally berating myself. I now walk out the door with a straight back, eyes front and not looking down. When I stand, I don't cross my arms or my legs. It's all about opening yourself up to new possibilities and the excitement that that anticipation brings. Coming out is and will always be a private, personal matter. Some are outed against their will, while for health and safety reasons, the closet is the only safe place available for some. Hopefully, my story and that from others, will guide and nurture other gay, lesbian, and transgendered people as they make the transition from questioning to acceptance to loving who they are.

Tricube, when you're ready, go for it. I wish you nothing but the best.