Hey all, My friend, "brother", the man I'm in love with and who loves me is struggling with coming out. He started putting it on fb with certain posts either to me or comments to others, but then would delete them and tell me he can't come out. I'm ok with who I am and most ppl know I date both and they all just want me to be happy. He's been fighting with this for a long time- who he really is and is struggling accepting who he is. He told me he was gay asked why he was in love with me. He wants to start to talk about it publicly and openly. How can I help him with this? I really think that he'll "freak out" again and withdraw from coming out. Right now, he's with a girl but in love with me-- he's afraid he'll lose the image he's created. I told him he'll still be the funny humorous muscle guy that everyone enjoys, but the only difference will be who he sleeps with. He agreed... If you can relate or have any advice, please share it
Hi there! I think one way to help him would be to offer to him to be present when he tries to come out to a friend. Sometimes, just knowing that someone is there and provides support can be of great help. From what you have written though, it seems that he might still be too uncomfortable with being open about himself or out to others. Even though he is on love with you, I'd suggest that you keep showing him your support and try to be there for him when he wants to talk about being gay. What you could also try is joining a LGBT support/social group (if at all possible) together, as it will reinforce to your friend that it is okay to be out and who he is. If he has feelings for you, then there is also a conversation that he needs to have with his girlfriend. Having feelings for you, while being together with her, is not exactly fair to her. I think the very first person to come out to (if he hasn't come out yet, or mentioned anything to her), would be his girlfriend. Possibly, it might be one of his hardest conversations to date, but it is an important one.
I think the best thing you can do is to just let him know that you're there for him and emphasize that he doesn't have to rush himself into coming out. Stressing himself out with coming out is just... bad. He has no need to rush himself. For my case, I just had to grow a pair and tell one of my friends and told her to tell everyone. I still wasn't able to come out to people myself until a few weeks after I told my friend to come out for me. Maybe you could suggest to him that you'll do the coming out for him (he tells you who to tell and you tell them).
It takes time. My heart is beating fast even thinking about when I finally came out to my best friend (who accepted me with flying colors - we just bought new guns today for christ sake). It takes time - your friend stands (in his mind) to lose a lot. That's not easy, he has to realize that when he lays his chips, he's making the right bet. That comes with the security of this forum, you as his partner, and the network he builds. Honestly, I'd not do it on FB - that's just me though. Has he told any single person but you? If not, perhaps he could tell a mutual friend? Hope it turns out well. Is your friend on EC? If not, encourage him to join.
