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Sorry for the length, but please give advice: Outed to mom

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Samantha12, Feb 27, 2012.

  1. Samantha12

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    Okay so, I'm brand new here. My mom just went to work so I figured I'd get some advice on my situation. In short, here's what happened.

    I don't like keeping a journal but I do sometimes when I get stressed. In it I just kind of write things that I'm greatful for throughout the day to brighten my mood. One of the things I wrote down about a month ago was that I was greatful for being able to see my girlfriend, even if we couldn't really be together in public.

    Three nights ago my mom caught me reading through it. She and I have never been close and have always had issues, so she took it. I begged her not to but she read it anyway. Well, when she got to the part about my girlfriend, she royally flipped out. She's not homophobic, but for some reason she hates that I'm gay, or bi, or whatever I am.

    We got in a really big fight about it. She called me every name in the book, pushed me down, screamed in my face. I won't go into the details, but it was pretty bad. Since then she told my sister with out my permission. I was never worried about her though; she was wonderfully lovely about the whole thing and called me from college to let me know she'd be home soon, and she still loves me and thinks it's perfectly fine.

    My mom's still treating me like dirt though. She keeps throwing it in my face. Yelling at me over nothing. I heard her on the phone calling me "the fucking dyke." And every time she talks to me she addresses me as "dumbass" instead of by my name. I just don't know what to do. There's obviously a lot of verbal abuse, but I love my mom. I don't want to leave. I apologize again for the length, but does anyone have some advice?
     
  2. BudderMC

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    First off, I'm sorry that this happened in the first place. Everyone should be entitled to some ounce of privacy, and that was taken from you.

    It's hard to give specific advice without knowing a little more though... things like your general age, location, and stuff can help. Only because a lot of options while having a large good side, also have some inherent risks. For example, you could stand up to your mom, but if you're only 13 or something and not financially independent, if it goes poorly you could lose your place to stay.

    I know that's not necessarily much help, but hopefully someone else has better advice. Don't forget though that if you can get on here, you're certainly welcome to vent; EC is full of great listeners :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  3. Samantha12

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    Any and all advice is a help, Thank you. I'm seventeen. There are a few places I could go, but none that I'd really feel comfortable. I have an amazing friend that lives in TN but it would be really hard to go there legally without getting emancipated or something (I live in Indiana). I really don't want to leave home, I just want to make my mom see that being gay is such a tiny part of the whole person that I am. That it doesn't define me and we can still have a relationship even if there are certain parts of each other we don't particularly agree with.
     
  4. colorful

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    I don't have personal experience of this (though I am terrified of my mother's reaction if I ever show up with a girlfriend). Anyway, I would write in your journal that it is hurtful to you that she does those things and then give it to her to read. I don't know your mom or how that would go over with her, but that's what I would do. Maybe wait until your sister gets home and she can help you out. Just continue to be the person that you are and show her that you ARE still yourself and nothing has changed. Afterall you were that way before she found out and she loved you then. You are still the same person you were before she read your journal, so just continue with that.
     
  5. Carpe Diem

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    Quite a number of people may disagree with my advice but here goes anyway:

    I think your first priority is to secure your future: ie, study hard and get a decent job befitting of your qualifications. In order to do that, you'll have to reconcile with your mum at almost all costs, and leaving the house on your own won't be an option.

    I don't really like the idea of gay teens being stranded on the streets or living at shelters or running away from home and working at burger king or something. There is so much that we can achieve (gay or straight) if we start off correctly. Then again, I have never been in their shoes.

    Basically I'm imploring you to put up with the sh*t that your parent(s) are giving you and get through college with flying colours. Secure a decent job and then you can leave the house when you have financial security. Until then, you'll just have to tone down your 'gayness' (at least in front of non-supportive parties). And NO MORE slip ups like this.

    You're so young and this is a very crucial period of your life (college). I think you should try, with your utmost effort, not to mess it up unless you really can't take the abuse anymore.

    You have your support group over here, so please stay strong and don't give up!
     
  6. Samantha12

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    Thanks, guys. To Colorful, the journal thing is a really great idea. Maybe seeing in print what I've been saying will help her see. To Carpe Diem, you kind of hit the nail on the head. That's what I really want to do. I'm planning on going to med school after college to get my MD in psychiatry and the support of my family throughout that process is crucial. As far as her accepting me, I'll live if she doesn't. I know there's nothing wrong with who I am or may be. I just want her to ease some because with my course load I can't handle the stress.
     
  7. Carpe Diem

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    Glad that you're on the same page with me.

    By all means, ignore your mum's negative comments and just pour everything into your studies for now. Ace your exams, aptitude tests and interviews, get a scholarship, and shove that into their faces. That's what I did and I shoved it into their faces real good (then again, my parents didn't know about me being gay, they still don't).

    Please please please don't ever consider abandoning your studies. Don't ever cave in to pressure. Rant it over here (NOT IN YOUR JOURNAL) and if the need arises, see your uni's pyschological help centre (which is usually free).

    Oh, and if trying to make her accept you for who you are seem impossible, then by all means, I would say, play straight. Your entire future is more important than a few years' worth of self-gratification of being true to yourself. This is just my personal opinion, and I'm sure that some people here will fervently disagree.
     
  8. starfish

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    An important thing to keep in mind is that you have had years to come with term with being gay. She has only had a few days. She is shocked and is acting out. I would recommend giving her a wide berth while she works though it.
     
  9. maverick

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    This. My mom acted the ass too when I came out, though not in nearly such as spectacularly abusive way as yours obviously has.

    Hopefully it is just a stage she's going through, so avoid her and give her time to cool out about it. My mom didn't speak to me for six months after I came out, and every time she looked at me it was with a look like I was dogshit on her shoe or something. It was not fun times.

    The good thing is, at least you're out now, so you don't have to worry about that anymore!
     
  10. InvaderDez

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    I see where you are getting at.... My mom calls me "Queen Queer" or whatever.. She hated my guts since I was born though so it doesn't bother me much.. My dad accepts me being Bi though..

    Anyway... If I were you, I'd march right up to her and go, "Look, you loved me before this incident happened so how come that you found out about my girlfriend you're treating me any different?! Mom, I love you and I don't understand it.. Just because you don't like my being gives you no right to yell at me.."

    At least.. That's what I'd say to my mom.. Tried but she sorta hits me.. So I ignore her...
     
  11. Loras

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    Im so sorry for you!!
    My advice is, do you have a grandparent or close friend parents you can talk to? I know its hard to talk about being gay before your ready, but I think its crucial to have people who can support you.