My story at 34 - The Best Friend

I met him in tenth grade halfway through the year. His father was a preacher who moved the family from South Florida north a bit for a new job. He sat behind me in English class and we soon started talking. Things went very well. We'd play cards at lunch, took a lot of classes together, and started hanging out anytime we could. All through high school and junior college, we stayed at each others' house, often sleeping on the living room couch. His mom 'adopted' me as one of her sons, and in turn, my parents adopted him as the other 'son'. We had a lot in common - video games, comic books, Japanese manga and anime. When comic book conventions rolled into town, we'd take off for Orlando or Daytona Beach and spend way more money on stuff then we should have.

It was a very uncomplicated, easy-going relationship. No fighting, no jealousies, no worries. We never really conversed about heavy topics like relationships, sex, or family matters. At least not until we were in our 30s. I always saw him as my best friend, a brother I didn't have. I was never in love with or found him sexually attractive. He was just my best friend. Nothing more and nothing less.

But I could never talk to him about how I felt. It was simply a line I refused to cross. In my mind, so long as I never talked about being gay, I wasn't gay. So long as I never touched, kissed, or had relations with another man, I wasn't gay. I could look, I could fantasize, but I most certainly could not talk about it or act upon any of my desires because that would mean I was gay and I was not ready or willing to accept that.

This never stopped me from running "I'm gay" conversations in my head, however. I obsessed over the million different outcomes this particular shame could take. He could cut off all communications, disown me so to speak. He could refuse to look me in the eye and take me serious. He could quietly accept it and say it changes nothing. He could even come out gay himself. All these scenarios and more marched on unrelentingly in my head. It was enough to drove someone mad, or to final acceptance.

In my previous post, I detailed what it took for me to finally accept and embrace being gay. I've talked about how much better I feel, how much more confidence and self-esteem I've gained since coming out a few short months ago. I came out to my roommate and then to my mentor. Both fully embraced and accepted it. They were just happy that I'm happy. There was still another hurdle to cross though. Telling my best friend I was gay when I've played straight the entire time I've known him. I kept waiting for him to call or text me so I could have an excuse to bring it up. That never happened until finally I came to the conclusion that if I was to do this, I needed to do it now. Either way the conversation went, I needed to have some sort of closure.

I picked up my phone and sent him a text message:

Hey, are you at your apartment?

Aye

Do you have Skype?

Yep, s'up?

Got something I need to talk to you about.

Kk, need me to get on now?

Please.

And so I logged in to Skype knowing full well this could change everything. I wiped away some tears and prayed to God for the strength to say and do what I needed to do. It was several anxious minutes before the connection came through. I accepted the call and immediately launched into the conversation that I'd been practicing for a few weeks.

"I came to New York for several reasons. One of them was, of course, the school. The other was to get out of Florida. There's been something that I've been trying to figure out for a very long time and I finally accepted it last December and I wanted to tell you about it. I'm gay. I've always been gay, but I've only been able to accept it now." I had to take a moment to calm myself and wipe away some more tears. "You've always been my best friend and I don't want this to change anything."

His reaction never changed. He just said simply, "I've wondered for awhile if you were gay or not. And to let you know, it changes nothing." Then he asked a question I knew was coming, though I feared it. "It's obvious this is something that has bothered you for awhile. How did you think I'd react after you told me?"

So there it was. How did I think he'd react and how would I respond? I told him the truth. I said I'd hope he'd react exactly how he did, since we've known each other for so long, but given the many stories I've seen and read, I couldn't quite be sure just exactly how things would go. In the end, it was a lot of worry and useless anxiety over something that never mattered. In our three-hour conversation, maybe ten minutes of it was spent on me coming out to him. The rest was us talking about him coming up to visit (one of my worries - he can't wait to come up), his family drama and my own, video games, movies we wanted to see, job woes, and how much we both still hate our hometown. Nothing changed. Not between us. We're still best friends and maybe I opened up a door to a more complete dialogue between us.

This part of me that I've hidden from so many people is finally coming out and I'm learning that I'm loved and accepted for the totality of who I am, even if there are parts of me that I'm still learning to love and accept. It's a good feeling. I'm allowing myself to live the life that I want, not the one that I presume society wants me to live. That's not who I am anymore. The next hurdle is telling my sister, but I think the same outcome will happen. It gets easier and easier each time.