Hi just wanted to introduce myself and share a little about me. I am a 31 yo bi man. I have had serious relationships with both sexes. I have loved people of both sexes. I have been hurt by both as well. I came out so to speak while in my first year of VCE, I know I know, maybe after exams would have been a wiser move. When I did I was naturally confronted with a diverse array of reactions. I grew up in a kind rural area where everyone knew everyone, mixed marriages were rare and gay was some new city word for poofs. Everyone was what society would accept as normal, so naturally I was pointed at, ridiculed, abused, although violence was threatened I was a little lucky I supose because I'm not ill made and can look after myself, and I was not born stupid. I knew when they were cooking something up. Also I think something else that deterred some of the insecure bigots was that by VCE I had already had confrontations with most of them. ( I never could walk away from a uneven or unfair fight where it was just bash the weakling, dork, outcast to make yourself look tuff ) Some people embraced my courage, some condemned me for it. I did lose some of my long term male and female friends by doing it. They just couldn't understand why I would tell people I was Bi if I could keep it a secret and be happy with a woman. The reason I couldn't, wouldn't do this is because I felt I'd be selling out. Compromising so that people would continue to like me. The problem there? I would not have liked myself. Not only that but looking back now I realize I would have deprived myself of some very happy and fulfilling relationships with men. Anyway by the end of year 12 I had developed very thick skin, the norm for me through most of my school education was to fight anyone that picked on me at all. Even for something that really didn't matter that didn't really bother me. I found though once I was happy with me being me I was not so quick to anger or resort to violence. For me being honest with how I feel was liberating. Took weight off my shoulders made me feel whole, and had a dramatic calming effect on me mentally. Anyway that is a very short version of what I had to deal with. From teachers, students and even parents of other students. Many hateful things were said, (or written where the whole town could see) I almost left school a few times just to end it but I didn't, I stuck it out and finished ( yes I promptly moved once I graduated ) and I'm glad I did. When I left school I was not the only one trying to find themselves, suddenly I was not alone in my home town. Now I'm not egotistical enough to think that they wouldn't have if I had not. But I do like to think that I helped them know that it was not an instant death sentence, and although it is hard to be naked and vulnerable in front of a whole community I still belive that it was for the best. My family was a completly more difficult situation for me to deal with. Some of them really just thought I was full shit and wanted to be important, get some attention. They had all seen me with girlfriends, i didn't have a problem finding a date for the movies. Middle child syndrome I belive my father used. Anyway once I moved I really didn't have much contact with them for a couple of years. Two of my sisters were a big help in keeping contact going. Anyway me and my father and my brother were civil and polite but that's all, it did hurt because up until then we had been very close. Footy games. Pool and darts at the pub. Working on cars on the weekend. All that just stopped. I supose that I could have learned to deal with it eventually but things got worse between us a few months own the track, I meet Jason ( the name is changed ). We started off just having a drink after work, going to the beach on hot days and enjoying BBQs with friends. Anyway we started to spend more time together and not long after we met he told me he was gay. My heart went out to him straight away. He was so afraid I'd reject him, or not want to see him ever again. Needless to say we started dating and we're soon head over heals for each other. He was the first person I ever said the "I love you" line to. Not long after we moved in together. We were so happy that I thought there had to be some drug in the water to make people feel like that. So 3yrs after I moved away from home mum died and I returned for the funeral. Naturally Jason came with me. I would no sooner have left him home than not go. Jason knew what my father was not supportive of my sexuality and tried to make it less noticeable that we were together. I smile now when I think about us that day. A blind person would have noticed the love we shared. When I had finished saying my good buys to mum I crumbled, up until then I had not cried. Or seemed even sad, but it hit me and I became a mess. Jason came over to comfort me ( god I loved him so much that day ) and my father went nuts. Saying we were desecrating my mothers memory, we were freaks. Abominations. Well I'll leave it there I'm sure some of you have heard it before to. Jason was mortified, he couldn't belive a parent could say the things my dad did to me that day. Belive it or not that was not the end of the relationship between me and my father. Jason was the voice of reason, reminding me to be patient and understanding of my dad. Keep trying, keep your chin up, turn the other cheek and all that. I think you can understand now how special he was. About a year later Jason died, we were comming home from a night on the town and a drunk driver T boned us. Crushed the drivers side of the car. Jason who was driving was killed instantly, I got a broken leg and a few cuts and bruises. My sisters were instantly by my side. Apologizing for not being more supportive, not getting to know Jason. We really made up, even though it was because of a horrible event I embrassed them again. I had really missed them and to this day still have a great bond with them. My father visited me once. Was quite detached, cold even as he offered his condolences. Then he said something that felt like it stopped my heart. "Well now you can forget this sillyness and get on with being a man". As if what I had with Jason was not real, just a game a fad. I am ashamed of what I did next, and I know Jason would have been disappointed in me too. I knocked my father out right there in the hospital room. That ended any connection we could have had right then. It took me awhile after Jason to even entertain the thought of going out and dating but I eventually did. Dated a few women dated a few men was not really into it so I was honest and told them there was really no chance of a long term relationship with me. Some though have become great true friends that I still continue to see. Until 3years ago when I meet Natalie ( once again not her true name ). I didn't think I would love again but I am happy to say I was wrong. Once again I am thankful to have found someone that can love me even for my faults. I am happy again. She is no replacement for Jason, I would never insult his memory or hurt her feelings by comparing the two. She knows of my sexuality, knows of the pain I went through admitting it to people and the hole I feel in when Jason died. My sisters are still in regular contact with me, my father and bother still will not speak to me. Well I think that is enough about me and mine. Goodnight/morning to everyone. Keep smiling and laughing and remember the most important fact of all. One that Jason passed to me that I try to pass to others. 'No matter how hard it is, no matter if it seems pointless, be happy with the way you are. Because you will meet that person that loves you. Do you know why you will? Because in their eyes you are already perfect'.
