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Told my straight best friend/business partner/roommie/fwb that I love him

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by jtnc2012, Mar 17, 2012.

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  1. jtnc2012

    jtnc2012
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    We have known each other 2 years, and have lived together for one, own a business and a dog together. We used to sleep in the same bed, but now just the same bedroom. Our sex life has slowed down, and the lately I've been the initiator even though he flirts constantly.

    Last time we were together he said something along the lines of us being fwb and that he wasn't ready for a relationship yet... I wrote him this . . .

    "Before you read this, know that this email touches on some very sensitive topics.

    I struggle with internal feelings for you. I'm happy when you are around. When you are upset, it upsets me. I'm not sure where I'm going with this or how to deal with it . . . I haven't been with another guy at all because of these feelings. And when a guy does pop on my radar, I would feel like I was cheating on you to talk to him. Not saying I want anything from you other than you be happy, just getting things off my chest.
    .
    On separate topic, I know you have been through a lot in the past, and I never bring them up because I never know when you want to talk about them. You throw me hints, but sometimes I just can't read you, and I have no idea what you want. But just know this - you don't have to feel pain alone. I will never know the tragedy (tragedies) you endured years ago, and simply reading the news articles, makes me hurt so much for you. But I just don't want you to deal with these things alone. If you need me to just ride and stay in the car one day, and keep my mouth shut, I would do that. If you ever just need a silent shoulder to cry on, or a hand to hold, I will be there.

    If I we never grow into anything more than friends I know it is something I will just have to deal with. I befriended you, a straight guy, to get away from gay society. But in the end I have learned more about myself than I ever imagined. I now know that I am not gay or black, but I'm xxxxxxxx. And you are not straight or white, but you are xxxxxxx. I value our friendship more than anything. I apologize for all the times I have ever caught an attitude with you, or didn't listen to you when I should, or didn't consider your feelings. I love you my friend.

    P.S. This letter was very embarrassing to type out, and even more embarrassing to press "Send". If I'm crazy for sending this email and my intuition is all wrong, then just pretend like you never read it and I will pretend like I never sent it. "


    He read it that night and asked me "why did you write this letter?". I was so taken back by it I just remained quiet, and then he asked if I didnt want to talk about it right now. I told him not right now.

    We've now gone back to our usual routine. I just wish I knew what he was thinking and regret not seizing the moment to talk about it.

    Now I'm ultra depressed and sometimes suicidal because I feel like I'm losing the chance to seal the deal with my soul mate. That I have waited too long to act on a clear romance between us. We used to have sex twice a week, now it has been over a month with just oral and a cuddle session a few days ago.
     
    #1 jtnc2012, Mar 17, 2012
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2012
  2. Lexington

    Lexington
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    Welcome to EC!

    My general belief is "if you're gonna stick your dick into each other, you should be prepared to TALK about things, as well." I don't know why having sex with each other doesn't seem to be problematic, but then talking it over is "weird".

    You don't have to make an appointment with him. He's there. In your house, in your place of business, every day.

    Talk to him.
    Tell him you want to talk about what you wrote in you letter.
    Tell him you've got feelings for him.
    Tell him you'd like to be in a full-fledged relationship with him.
    Tell him you understand that he might not be in that same place, but you feel you should put your cards on the table.

    Lex
     
    #2 Lexington, Mar 17, 2012
  3. Alex19

    Alex19
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    wait.. hes "straight" but pretty much has a relationship with you that INCLUDES sex? maybe hes bisexual? i dont think a straight guy would do that...
     
    #3 Alex19, Mar 17, 2012
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    I'm also confused because you describe him as "straight" and then go on to talk about his flirting, and your sex life "slowing down."

    If two guys are living together, flirting, having sex regularly, and so forth... they aren't straight.

    Is the issue that he is uncomfortable identifying as being gay or bi? Is their guilt or shame or something about being attracted to guys and having sex with one?

    Also, you mention the difficulties with his past. Knowing something about that would make it easier to understand what could be going on between the two of you.

    In any case, I agree with Lex. Talking to him is going to be the best way to understand where each of you are, emotionally. There's really no way to avoid it, and given the intertwined nature of your relationship (living and working together, as well as being physically intimate), it's going to be a necessity to communicate about things.
     
    #4 Chip, Mar 17, 2012
  5. TruffleDude

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    The words in your letter, dipped in emotion, really came off the page for me. It must be killing you inside to get nothing from him in response. Talking can be hard. I hope that you two can break down this wall in your relationship.
     
    #5 TruffleDude, Mar 17, 2012
  6. phospholipase

    phospholipase Guest

    Please don't let a thing like this get you depressed. Relationships are terrible because feelings cloud your judgment. You can describe him as your soulmate, but unless he shares the same feelings for you, don't put all your eggs in this basket. I've been through terribly rough times because I thought I'd found someone nice, but that turned out to be total crap.

    All you can do is talk to him, and do your best to keep a logical and rational view. :king:
     
    #6 phospholipase, Mar 18, 2012
  7. jtnc2012

    jtnc2012
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    So I finally spoke to him this morning, and he said he didn't see that (us being together) in his future . . .

    But where does that leave me . . . I don't think I can operate a business, share a dog, and share a bedroom with someone who I have deep emotions for like that. I certainly won't try to have sex with him anymore, and I wish I never had. I really feel awfully stupid about everything. It makes me wonder what things really mean.

    And now he is acting very odd. He is being overly nice to me. He jumped out of bed to help me get ready for work, something he NEVER does. I wonder if he is just going to do his best to keep me platonically content out of fear that I will leave him alone to run the business; and btw, his truck is in my name.

    I want to just leave him and move far away from this cloud of agony. He can keep his truck and everything. But it would be terribly wrong of me to leave him holding the torch alone. But I can't get over him if I have to see him EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY. I don't see a way to keep my dignity in all of this.
     
    #7 jtnc2012, Mar 23, 2012
  8. n8i2c7k

    n8i2c7k
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    Now I haven't posted here in ages but I went through something really, really similar recently and in fact I'm just coming out of it now. This is what I think:

    He said that he didn't see your relationship in his future so you know this had to end. Period. I don't mean the business partner thing, I mean the under-the-covers partner thing. Friends with benefits like this will not turn out well for the people who actually care. I don't know why straight guys put themselves through it (maybe because they're horny b@$%@rds) but for us, it's like we're putting ourselves through torture. Sex isn't just sex for us anymore. It's so much deeper and when we find out that it doesn't hold true for the straight guy...it's not good. So you're going to have to stop that. You know it's never going to work out (he said so himself) so why put yourself through it anymore? Sleep in a different bed. No sex. He can b!%ch and moan about that all he likes that but you've got to look out for yourself.

    Now I don't know about your business but if you feel too obligated to separate yourself from him in that respect then you're going to have to just tough it out and distance yourself emotionally. Focus on your business instead of him.

    I suppose that would also go for the roommate thing. The best thing would be to distance yourself completely but if you feel that you need to still be his roommate then I think the most important thing you need to keep in mind would be keeping out of his bed. Can't stress that enough. Also not just no sex but no flirting too. Think friend and not boyfriend (because honestly that's probably what he does).

    That's all I got right now but I hope it helps. I guess I was lucky that I didn't live or work with my guy but if I do know something it's that separation will hurt. BAD. But it's for the better, trust me. It's like you've melded him into a part of your soul. Ripping it out will hurt like hell, but eventually it will heal. Don't give up hope and don't give out to what's easy or convenient (like going back to sex). Be strong and things will get better. The future may not include a relationship with him, but it has the potential for so much more (*hug*)
     
    #8 n8i2c7k, Mar 24, 2012
  9. phospholipase

    phospholipase Guest

    We all have some rough times, but the great thing is that we can overcome them. Just realize that this one moment is time is just that--one moment. Your emotions and feelings are probably rushing around and jumping everywhere, and that makes everything seem worse. So do yourself a solid and push those feelings aside to that little corner and tame them. With a little time, you'll see how much better things can be once you get past this moment. You don't need to flirt or have sex with him. You shouldn't feel embarrassed either if you really feel like he's your best friend. Perhaps he's not really such a best friend, but the sex made you feel that way. I agree to put some distance, but it needn't be physical distance and abandoning the business. Just distance yourself emotionally at the least and regain that rational reasoning. :king:
     
    #9 phospholipase, Mar 25, 2012
  10. Ianthe

    Ianthe
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    Whatever else you do, get your own bedroom as soon as possible. I'm serious, you need your own space.
     
    #10 Ianthe, Mar 26, 2012
  11. jtnc2012

    jtnc2012
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    I have put as much distance as humanly possible between me and him. I've started casually dating guys I turned down before and doing things without him.We still sleep in the same bedroom, but have separate beds.

    I catch him looking at me all the time when I'm turned away now, but I don't acknowledge it. And I try not to laugh at his jokes at much which just causes him to stare at me or he will sigh heavily. He props himself up on my bed every night, sometimes sleeping in it or sitting close to me on it. And he still flirts with me using strong sexual humor. I can't go too long without him putting some sexual image in my head.

    I started pushing strong for us to find separate living quarters and he agreed. I figured he would be on board to move away since people were starting to question our relationship and why we spent so much time together. We both decided to live with our parents to save on money and take the extra capital and expand our business. But when it came down to it, all I heard were objections. He said he couldn't stay with his mother because our dog was not welcome there. So I offered to keep the dog! He then said he didn't trust the dog at my parents house, which I found insulting. He doesn't know my parents well enough to say things like that. He then later said his mother's husband did not want him there so now we are stuck together. And part of me feels this is what he wants.

    I'm starting to feel the need to run away from this all. California looks mighty inviting right now for a guy like me. And to keep my dignity I'll just have to be honest with him and let him know I am moving away from all of this but I want to do all I can to help him succeed and the business carry on. And I also what what I invested in the business back. I'll set up a plan for him to make payments.
     
    #11 jtnc2012, Mar 27, 2012
  12. greeneyes

    greeneyes
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    Yea he's acting weird, and because he's acting weird you need to sit down and have an honest conversation with him, about how you think he's flirting with you, about how you're insulted about the dog thing, about how you're uncomfortable about the entire housing situation, and how your questioning your participation in the business because of all these feelings. If your business partners, you both need to be honest and always keep communicating, let alone if you're roommates.
     
    #12 greeneyes, Mar 28, 2012
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