Came out to parents, Dad taking it terribly.

First off, welcome to EC

I'm really sorry to hear that your dad isn't taking the news well at all and that you are hurting through it all. From experience I know that it can feel like a living hell, but, like you said, it will get better with time.

With time most parents will come around to it or at least will understand that their kid hasn't changed one bit. It does take time and some parents might take longer than others, but eventually all parents get there. Give them time to go through the whole process. Just like you had to go through your own process in order to accept yourself, they also have to go through their own process (there is a really good article about the stages that parents go through if you want to check it out). If its hard for us to understand what is going on just imagine how hard it must be for our parents to understand everything from the outside.

Just a story to give you hope, my parents didn't take the news too well either. My mom cried for 6 months straight and my dad was in denial for some time. My mom took it worse and she tried her hardest to get me to "change" my mind about being gay. She tried everything from guilt to the bible. It was intense. That being said, and after all the horrible things my mom said, they did come through at the end. It took them close to 6-7 months to calm down, but now, 2 years later, they are 100% okay with it. They both still love me, they have both met my boyfriend, and they both support me in every way they can. Just give them time

As for what to do until they get there? Well, for whatever its worth, you have us. A lot of us have gone through the same thing so feel free to reach out whenever you need it. Even if it is just to vent

Oh, and you might want to check if there is a PFLAG around your area. Its a great resource for parents if they need some help.

 

If you haven't already, start looking for an LGBT group in your neighborhood. You're in Brooklyn so you're not too far from the LGBT Center in Manhattan. Their website is The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Community Center. Check out there resources to include mental health advocates, their library, and any number of support and community groups. I'm part of the Gay Geeks for those of us who like comic books, video games, sci-fi and fantasy. It's been amazing the last few events I've attended. I finally feel like I have a group I can belong to where being gay is no problem. Find a group based around your interests and get yourself out of your house.

I'm really sorry about how your father reacted, and I hate to suggest it, but sometimes you need to write off toxic people, family included. If someone is not helping or supporting you during your time of need and transition, then they're part of the problem. I watched my grandparents and uncles leech off of my parents for over thirty years because they let them. All it led to was heartache, loss of income, and an incredible amount of emotion pain. You have some serious decisions to make soon. It seems you have a pretty good circle of friends. Reach out to them and see you can help you. If you're going to school, see if there's an LGBT club on campus. I can't promise that things will work out in the end, but you can do a lot now to save you from a tremendous amount of pain. If you need someone to vent to, just let me know.

 

First of all, welcome to EC bro. *hug*
Second, after reading all of your story, I want to say.that I'm sorry that your dad is taking it the way he is. I don't think it's that he no longer acknowledges you as his son, but that this news has put.him into denial. He's gonna have to come to terms with your sexuality sooner or later. No one can stay mad forever, trust me. :3
Third, I think you deserve a pat on the back for scraping up the courage to come out to your parents. That is NOT an easy task, so congrats there. Sure, your dad may be saying these horrid things, but deep down, he knows you're his son; he can't change that, just like he can't change who you are.
I think that maybe, for now, the best thing to do would be to avoid your dad- basically, give him space and time for him to take this all in. It's not something that everyone can understand and accept the.moment they find out. It may take days, or weeks, but he'll cool down at some point. When he's willing to listen, let him know that it isn't his fault (nor anyones fault) for you being gay. He's just going to have accept it sooner or later.

YOU HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG. You did what you felt was best, and that's that. I hope anything I just said helps at all, and I'm hoping that your situation lightens up soon.

Keep strong Bro!
-Waffles

 

I normally don't read really long posts but yours was pretty good and it really touched me. I'm glad that your mom finally came around and I'm sorry taht your dad still doesn't accept you. For some people it takes a lot of time for them to accept their son being gay. The fact that your dad tried to backtrack on what he said and the fact that he doesn't say this stuff in front of you tells me that one day, he'll accept you.

 

Oh man, I'm sorry. I've heard of a lot of cases where parents are pretty bad in the beginning, but they work through it. When I came out (I was more or less forced to, since they'd soon be hearing it from someone else) things didn't get better, but they eventually stopped talking about it as much. Then again, our relationship was toxic to begin with.
I really hope your dad comes around. Hopefully he'll realize that you're still his son and you were gay even if he didn't know.

 

Welcome to EC! I can't add much to what's been said other than to say you took one of the most major steps of your life in telling them. My counselor keeps saying that you and your loved ones will go through the stages of grief. Anger is one of the stages, but it will pass. Give him space as well as opportunities to just talk. From what I read, he may not be much of the talking type, but I think it's important not to avoid him completely - even if it's just being in the same room. It may help him see that you can't be bullied back into the closet and that you're the same son he's known, but now he knows you better.

Best of luck and keep us posted. This is a wonderful, caring community. We're here for you! (&&&)

55bna

 

Sorry to hear your dad is having such a hard time with this. I hope things get better soon.

It might help your dad to hear from some other parents that have gone through this. Youtube is a good resource for that. You can search for videos of parents giving advice to other parents on how to react, what you can expect to change, etc. Just make sure you screen the videos first. Your mom seems like she wants to help you, so maybe you can have her help pick out some good ones.

Just off the top of my head I know big93scott, depfox, and couver87 have some good videos that might be helpful. Good luck!

 

Like others said: Welcome to EC.

I don't know why people apologize for long posts - how else do you convey the whole story

Sorry to hear what you're going through with your dad. Like the advice you've gotten from others, I'll say roughly the same. It sounds as if your dad lacks the capacity to speak to you in a mature way and resorts to hostile comments due to that. Like Chip said above, I think he cares about you. I think he lacks the ability to express it.

We all hope it turns out well. Feel free to keep us informed.

 

Not much left for me to say, but good luck to you and your family. I'm not out to mine yet so I can only imagine how hard it is to hang in there when everything spins out of control. Everything will be okay, you just gotta ride it out.

It sounds like your mom is coming around, so you see they are already showing signs towards acceptance. Love to all of you, I hope things settle down quickly.

 

Travis, I've been reading, and I don't have any advice, but for what it's worth I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers. I hope your dad will come around, and I want you to know that all of us at EC are here for you.

 

You seem like a great son, I truly do hope everything works out for the best for you and your family.

Perhaps you can politely convince your dad to read this: http://community.pflag.org/document.doc?id=495
It's a booklet by PFLAG (Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) called "Our Daughters and Sons: Questions and Answers for Parents of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Youth and Adults."
Explain to him that it would mean alot to you if he read it, and I'm sure even your mom would benefit. Of course there are many sources of education that would be great for them to read, but this is a start.

 

Its great to hear that things are evolving! It looks like your dad is slowly getting there, but at least he is moving in that direction. Give him time and be patient. As for the request to not tell anyone right now, that's also very common. In a sense, by us coming out of the closet, we bring them in. They now must get ready to be okay with people knowing that their son is gay. My parents took 2 years to be okay with me telling my grandparents. I actually will be telling my granparents from my mom side of the family over the summer!

The most effective way of doing that is by just being yourself. Keep being who you are and that alone will dispel many myth and stereotypes. That's not to say to stay away from fitting some stereotypes because you will naturally fit some of them (That's just the way it goes ), but be yourself and leave the door open so your dad can communicate with you.

For example, the most popular stereotypes of gay men are being overly flamboyant, being promiscuous and having AIDS. Right from the begging you are already educating him without even trying

 

I must say what you did is something that takes a lot to do and you did it. But now is the part that sucks for a little bit. Your parents sounds like mostly your dad are having a hard time understand and accepting the fact that you are gay. But think of it this way it took you years to accept and understand that you are gay so give them a littile time to get to were you are on the accepting part. And I have agree with Chip on PFLAG. It has helped my family out a lot when it came to accepting that I am gay. I think with out PFLAG my dad would still be having a very hard time acceptin it. But most of all be strong for yourself. You have made it to this point in your life and you have so much more to go. And never forget we are here for you anytime you need us. We will always be here for you.(&&&) (*hug*)

 

Being a fifteen year old and questioning my sexuality myself, I can't really offer much advice. But I do feel for you and I hope it gets better for you. Welcome to EC. I'll try to send good karma your way.

 

Strange, your dad sounds an awful lot like my father. My father never shows emotion except anger. It's kind of like a Jeckyll/Hyde thing since any little thing can cause his personality to change and he would just lose it and start screaming at everyone. Then his way of apologizing is to do something for you. In fact that's really the only way he knows how to show love is to perform some task for you. He's not somebody you can talk to. It must be some textbook personality category. I always thought he might have manic depressive disorder.

Anyway, I'm grown and out of their house. I can never come out since I know there would be no chance for support or acceptance, yet my family is close and I have to see them often which makes things difficult. My relationship with my father is permanently damaged and our conversations never go beyond small talk.

It sounds like things are starting to get better for you and your dad. There is so much great information out there, that there is a good chance he will come around in time.