I've just had a really bad day, tons of stress with the ULS and school work in general, and then something like this happened today. I feel like i'm going to explode :bang: Today i was working very late at uni, and afterwards took the train back home with a very close friend of mine. It was very late (almost midnight) we're basically the only ones in our compartment, just casually chatting. Somehow the topic of homosexuality came up, and she told me some gossip about a prominent member of the student union suspected by the student body of being gay. We paused for a second, then she started saying "hmm..Silkfrog i'm actually more curious about you. You've never had dates and you act all weird around XX (a boy i find really appealing)" (another long pause) "Silkfrog do you like boys?" I don't know what happened, but i just froze and stayed silent, stared at her for a few seconds, then gave a resounding "no". I don't know why i did that, as in those few seconds of silence i actually wanted to come out to her, but somehow my brain just froze and the refutation just blurted out of my mouth against my wishes.:bang: I don't know what to do now...after this i'm going to find it even harder to come out to her, or anyone else for that matter. I feel like such a failure for not being able to tell others who i really am, or even worse, doing a bad job of hiding it too :tears: I feel like crawling into a hole and disappearing beneath the earth right now.:icon_sad:
You're not a failure, it isn't your duty to make sure everyone knows what your sexual orientation is. And it's okay to keep it to yourself, that was a very personal question your friend asked you and it caught you off guard I'm sure. You also have no sort of obligation to "hide it" well either. Just be yourself and when you think you're ready, set yourself as open to answering this specific question honestly. Don't feel bad for freezing up this time, it's a tough thing to be able to be honest about in today's world. So it's understandable. I think, if you really want to tell your friend, and she seems like she may just be fine with it, then you can just bring back the subject next time you see her. People gossip about everything these days, there's no reason for it to be awkward. It's totally fine if you don't, but a simple "Hey, you know when you asked me if I liked boys? Well, I actually do." should be fine. Feel better sweetheart, if you want to let yourself shine then I wish you all the luck and love in the world! (*hug*)
Thanks, you've brightened up my evening i'm just so frustrated because i actually wanted to come out, i'm tired of keeping secrets and awkward silences. I just don't know what came to me tonight, it's almost if lying has become instinctive. That's whats scaring me most, like some leech that i can't pull off.
That makes me very happy. ^_^ I understand, and can relate. Today is the second date I've set myself to tell my parents, but I'm not gonna do it. Again. I've never been directly asked (Well, once when I was little-er and didn't realize what I was.), but I feel like it's becoming easier to lie too. Mostly because of my lying about my non-belief in God, but still. I get what you mean, it's scary because I'm a very honest person. But when you start lying, even if it's for a fair reason, it becomes easier. And that is scary. And you start to worry if soon you will become a liar. Even though all you want is to tell the truth. Am I getting that right? When I read your first post it just hit me how odd it is that we can't just say "Yeah, I'm gay." Or "Yeah, I'm bi." It's so strange, because it's such a small thing.. It just wears you out. And maybe you can convince yourself to recover for a little while, but it always hits you again and knocks you down. Because we don't want to lie. We'll get there. It is so frustrating, but we'll get there eventually.
Awww, first of all, you need a hug. (*hug*) I'm really sorry you had a bad experience. Second of all, as The Escapist said, you're not a failure. It's okay that this happened. Maybe it happened for a reason -- your friend wasn't supposed to know yet. Who knows? You can come out when you're ready. Your friend will totally be fine with it, even if she's straight, she'll understand if she's truly your friend. And if you feel like you just didn't have the courage this time, then you just didn't. There's no failing in that. :icon_wink Third of all, I know it hurts to lie. Don't worry, I can totally relate. Yes, we all have to come out someday, or we'll be outed, one or the other, but don't worry. Sometimes we just aren't ready. And as I said, your friend will understand when you finally come out to her if she's your friend. Friends are always there for you. You did nothing wrong. I'm sure that question threw you back and you weren't expecting it. When gays are asked, "Are you gay?" they don't often answer with, "Yes, I'm gay," right away, unless they were both expecting the question and also ready to answer it like that. So there was nothing wrong you did there. Try thinking of it as just another day in the world of the LGBTQ community. :eusa_danc I wish you the best. Keep us updated.
I agree with the above, you're not a failure at all and we've all been there. One thing I just think when I am asked that question however, is that I don't want to be friends with anyone who will dislike me purely because of me being gay, it isn't any of their business... Unless they're gay So do what you have to in your own time, but you are eventually going to tell your friends, why not get it over with to sepparate the homophobic from the real friends? The longer you wait the more time you are wasting with people who don't deserve you as a friend, that is how I see it anyway.
As others have said, you're not a failure. And... honestly, you probably gave yourself away already, so she probably knows. By freezing for several seconds and then giving an exaggerated "No", you certainly sent the message that something is up. So it would be simple to send a text or an email... or even call her in person... and just say "I was sort of caught off guard by what you said, but yes, I'm gay, and I haven't told anyone yet." As I said, it's almost certain that she already knows based on your response (and she must have strongly suspected or she wouldn't have asked) so I'm confident if you just go and correct yourself, it won't be any different than if you'd told her in the first place.
I face a similar problem with my parents. I'm pretty sure they guess sth is going on with me, though I always refuse to give them more than unspecific conter-questions and contentless answers. I never wanted to be forced or asked out of the closet. When I first told a friend at uni, it took me a week of daily attempts to tell him. When I finally managed to write it down I was shaking as if I was under shock.:icon_bigg As to your friend, I'm pretty sure she will understand you when you tell her how you felt about it and that this yes-or-no-question is probably one of the most difficult to answer. I've not come out to many people so far, but I learned that it's not the really good friends you have to worry about. As for the others, I don't know if they are worth worrying about.
Thanks to all that posted here. You're all so supportive, I'm glad i found this website i little update, since that ordeal i haven't had a chance to have a talk with her yet, since my timetable changed and i'm so busy with student union stuff. But in the short moments we spent together (e.g. sitting together at class) she never mentioned a word about that night. It's almost as if she's purposely trying to pretend it never happened. It's confusing me to no end. That night though, left its mark on me. It opened up so much repressed emotions and hurt that this week i've slipped into a very depressed mood. The deteriorating relationship with my father isn't helping either. Thank you so much for all your help and support. I'll just need time to sort things out by myself, i guess...
Sounds like she suspects and doesn't want to make things awkward for you, so she'll probably be accepting if you want to tell her. Just my observation.
Yah man don't worry. I've ben in a similar situation more than a few times...I used to have the same reaction...I've told a few people I'm straight mostly because I didn't want to deal with whatever came next...But now, it seems more than often I can't help but blurt it out...Like before I even realize what they asked me I answer truthfully...so I think it just comes with time and feeling comfortable with yourself. Or maybe not even with yourself, but feeling comfortable with the fact that people are going to think what they think and you cant change that... I think I strayed from the topic though..definetly a major bummer because it was a perfect set up to come out. But there will be plenty more oppurtunities, don't worry
