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Not so good

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Tracker57, Apr 24, 2012.

  1. Tracker57

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    Ive been trying to time my coming out to my wife. Friends and professionals said wait. Well....

    We went on a cruise last week. On the last night there was a party-free drinks. I was a little apprehensive about going for some reason and took some anti-anxiety meds. I'm supposed to take only 1/2 a pill, but I couldn't find my pill cutter so I took a whole. I remember nothing after that. I remember waking up on the bed in our room sobbing and telling my wife that I am gay.

    She said that I got really drunk-or appeared so (it was the meds) and she abandoned dinner and a show to take me back. She asked why I had gotten drunk. I told her because of my pain. She asked me what that pain was. Every time she asked before, I refused to say. With my defenses down, I told her.

    She is crushed and I'm feeling like a turd in a punch bowl. I've been talking to a friend, and she's pissed that HE knows. My therapist cancelled on me yesterday. Marriage counseling on Wednesday.

    I've never cheated on her. But she is treating her best friend- me- like a leper. I guess I should have. Maybe that would make things easier for her to understand. And she'd be freed of me.

    I'm feeling pretty lonely.

    Tracker
     
  2. Zach93

    Zach93 Guest

    wow, that is a whole lot of stuff going down. :/ sorry to hear that it went down like that. Definitely not the best way to have come out. I'm not that far in life so I can't really say much for you except to stay strong, never give up and work things out. Things can get better. One step at time.
     
  3. Tracker57

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    Thanks, Zach. I'm feeling pretty lonely and deserted today. I hope that things will get better. I'm not seeing it. My wife's big suggestion last night was to stop taking my testosterone supplements so I wouldn't have any sex drive. Nice to be loved, eh?

    No one to talk to outside of here, I guess. Thanks for the encouragement.

    Tracker
     
  4. dreamcatcher

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    (*hug*)(*hug*)Sorry to hear about that tracker. You've been doing the best that you can and no one can fault you for telling your wife the truth. It's definitely a tough secret to hold onto. I wish I knew what to tell you but all I can say is hang in there. Life will probably be rough for a while but once this part is over, you're gonna be alright.

    What's gonna happen now that your wife knows? Or what would you like to happen?
     
  5. silverhalo

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    Hey im sorry for what you are going through. Its really tough on you but you should remember that you have done the right thing by not cheating on her and by telling her, at the moment it might not seem like it but it will improve. It would have most probably have come as a massive shock to your wife, I mean even if she knew that something was wrong, this was probably nowhere in her thoughts of what it might have been. When people are shocked they often react in way which when they they have calmed down and thought about it for a bit they realise they wouldnt normally react in that way. So you have to give your wife some time to get accustomed to what you told her and how things are going to move forward from here on in. I know that none of this really helps the way you are feeling but I think things will improve in time.

    The fact she got mad about you talking to your friend about it is a natural reaction, she is hurt that you told somebody else first, but it was necessary for you to do this, often those closets to the situation cant be the first to know because you have to sort things out in your own mind before you can talk to them about it.

    I think you should talk to your wife but only to make it clear that you understand that she is hurt, shocked and upset and you are willing to give her some space whilst she processes the information but that you are always there if she wants you or wants to talk about any of it. That way if she wants to talk you are there and if she doesnt you are not putting any pressure on her.
    Perhaps the marriage counselling can be used as a time for her to say how she is feeling in a situation where she feels comfortable and there is someone there to mediate.

    Im sorry for you but everyone here on EC is here for you.
     
  6. Zach93

    Zach93 Guest

    You're very welcome. Here at EC we all are here for you. Anything you want to talk about we are here for you. Times like these, especially for you, are the toughest and we all need someone to help us through it. :slight_smile: We are here for you no matter what you have people to talk to.
     
  7. KneeDragger

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    Sorry to hear about this. I know this is never how you would have wanted to have the news come out, but it's out there now. All you can do is to give her time to process it and to keep communication open. Stay strong. You'll get through this. It's just going to be rough for a little while.
     
  8. Chip

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    I can't imagine how difficult that must have been, but in addition, I'm sure that it wasn't the way you wanted things to go. Yet... I'm sure you also realize that even though it's horrible right now, it will eventually be for the best.

    Remember that she is probably in complete shock right now. And if you have read my posts about the 5 stages, she's gotten past denial and into anger, so what you're experiencing, while horribly unpleasant, is normal and (with luck and patience) will pass.

    If you don't have Joe Kort's book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love", I strongly implore you to get it. It talks about this specific situation and gives some insight that I haven't found in any other books about how do understand and work through the situation.

    And perhaps, if talking isn't easy, you can write a note to her and tell her that even though you are gay, it doesn't mean you don't care for her and you haven't enjoyed the times you've had together... it just means that you've realized that you can't really be there for her the way she deserves, and the way you'd like. It might help her, because she may be thinking the entire marriage is a lie, and of course, that isn't really true.

    I think the best thing you can do right now is to keep talking about your feelings and what's going on with us here at EC. And tell your therapist you NEED to talk! :slight_smile:
     
  9. Tracker57

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    This last couple of days has been rough. I was even suicidal on Tuesday. My therapist got me through it. She spent about an hour with my therapist today as he went through some explanations and let her know it's not her fault and it's not my fault. Now she is going to her own therapist.

    We have stuck together for over 30 years through worse things. We plan on sticking with each other through this. However, I think she won't trust me for quite a while.

    Thanks, Chip for the suggestion. And, yes, I read your posts often.

    Tracker