Coming out at 36

[JB75]

My story is similar to others here except I'm coming out later than many. I'm a single, never married, 36 year old man. Looking back, I've been attracted to men but I always suppressed those feelings, trying to fit in and just be normal. I tried dating women and had good relationships with them even loved them. I thought I was attracted to them but I think it was more that I liked the intimacy of being with someone but there was always something missing, holding me back. In fact, I've never "gone all the way."

About 5 years ago I began to come to terms with my attractions. I decided that I wasn't going to date again until I worked out my own issues. There was no need in dragging another person into my mess. But it was still slow going, change doesn't come easily for me.

So with a lot of thought and some very kind and open people I met online, I began to accept that my attractions are real and that its OK. Then one day I had what I would describe as a moment of clarity where it just came together. I am gay and that's how I'm meant to be. All this resistance and hiding and fear is no worth it. I need to be true to myself and learn to love me. That was around February of this year.
For the next couple months I was really emotional. It was something I wasn't expecting but it makes sense, these are big changes.

With time I've become more sure of myself. And then last weekend I got to spend some time with my best friend. I had decided it was time to let him know. We live pretty far apart so he and his wife and I met up for a long weekend just to catch up and relax. I had planned out in my head that I would bring it up at breakfast on Saturday but I just couldn't bring myself to say the words. My mind was racing but it just was getting out. So we went about the day and had a great time then in the evening, he and I were alone and I just knew it was the right time. I stumbled around to say the right thing even though Id this very conversation in my head a million times. But I finally got it out. He was a little surprised but completely supportive. I knew he would be but you still fear the unknown. We had a long talk about what I'd been through and he shared a lot with me. At some point his wife joined the conversation and I told her directly that I was gay and she was completely supportive as well. They both encouraged me and expressed that this doesn't change our friendship at all. I've been very lucky to have great friends all my life.

So for those of you still on the other side, know that it isn't easy for anyone. Make your choices on your own time; if you're not ready then it's OK. And trust in your friends, if they love you, they love you for you not your sexuality. It's is just one aspect of who you are. And for those guys that are in your 30's or 40's or older, its not too late and being out to yourself is the most important thing. I still have a lot of friends and family that I want to talk to but the first time you come out is the hardest and it does get easier.

[socalguitarguy]

Congratulations on coming to terms with yourself! I know it's an ongoing process but it sounds like you have a really good perspective on things. Best wishes as you move forward!

[Deaf Not Blind]

Originally Posted by JB75

My story is similar to others here except I'm coming out later than many. I'm a single, never married, 36 year old man. Looking back, I've been attracted to men but I always suppressed those feelings, trying to fit in and just be normal. I tried dating women and had good relationships with them even loved them. I thought I was attracted to them but I think it was more that I liked the intimacy of being with someone but there was always something missing, holding me back. In fact, I've never "gone all the way."

About 5 years ago I began to come to terms with my attractions. I decided that I wasn't going to date again until I worked out my own issues. There was no need in dragging another person into my mess. But it was still slow going, change doesn't come easily for me.

So with a lot of thought and some very kind and open people I met online, I began to accept that my attractions are real and that its OK. Then one day I had what I would describe as a moment of clarity where it just came together. I am gay and that's how I'm meant to be. All this resistance and hiding and fear is no worth it. I need to be true to myself and learn to love me. That was around February of this year.
For the next couple months I was really emotional. It was something I wasn't expecting but it makes sense, these are big changes.

With time I've become more sure of myself. And then last weekend I got to spend some time with my best friend. I had decided it was time to let him know. We live pretty far apart so he and his wife and I met up for a long weekend just to catch up and relax. I had planned out in my head that I would bring it up at breakfast on Saturday but I just couldn't bring myself to say the words. My mind was racing but it just was getting out. So we went about the day and had a great time then in the evening, he and I were alone and I just knew it was the right time. I stumbled around to say the right thing even though Id this very conversation in my head a million times. But I finally got it out. He was a little surprised but completely supportive. I knew he would be but you still fear the unknown. We had a long talk about what I'd been through and he shared a lot with me. At some point his wife joined the conversation and I told her directly that I was gay and she was completely supportive as well. They both encouraged me and expressed that this doesn't change our friendship at all. I've been very lucky to have great friends all my life.

So for those of you still on the other side, know that it isn't easy for anyone. Make your choices on your own time; if you're not ready then it's OK. And trust in your friends, if they love you, they love you for you not your sexuality. It's is just one aspect of who you are. And for those guys that are in your 30's or 40's or older, its not too late and being out to yourself is the most important thing. I still have a lot of friends and family that I want to talk to but the first time you come out is the hardest and it does get easier.

thanks! i have only told 2 peeps. on last night. he is going to let me meet some of his other friends not flamboyant, so i can have more people who can support me. i am transgender. it is hard. its going to be harder. i start university in fall, and i may come out there. one my buddies also will start same time. he knows i am different and commented one time, so i wonder what he's gonna think. i can see this happening. i am not sure i can go back in closet and stay there. i am slowly transitioning outside to match inside, half my clothes are now from opposite gender department. i can't see myself going back. i have a feeling i am going to be attending church like this. :/ ikes!

my best wishes to you my friend.

[JRNagoya]

Hey, welcome to the club. I'm 34 and just recently out. All in a matter of months, I've gone from the dungeon underneath the closet floor, to acceptance, letting friends and family know, to having a boyfriend. The last one is the most recent, but it's an awesome feeling being able to say that after all these years. Look my name up (JRNagoya) to see some of my coming out posts. Hopefully they'll be some information there that can help you in the process. Keep us informed on how things turn out for you. It really helps knowing that there are others out there going through the same things you're going through and that it does get better. Congratulations.

[CrystalDecanter]

Late bloomers unite!

I know my tendency is to get impatient. My thinking is, OK, if this is where I am, I should be able to just jump into the gay community, find a girlfriend, etc. But that's not realistic for everyone. It's hard for me to be patient with the process, but I guess that's how it has to be for me.

[aerwolfen]

welcome to the club JB75,I came out to myself first like you did but 4 years ago,now i'm 49 and dam proud of myself for being so true to myself,its a great feeling and a bit liberating,looking back growing up there were so many clues but not really putting any thought to them,its a process for the mind to catch up ,congrats on your rebirth.

[JB75]

Thank you everyone for your support! It's so nice to know that we are not alone in this process.
JR, you've already been an inspiration to me. I read you story several weeks ago and the parallels between our experiences are surprising. I wonder if maybe because we are older and have more life experiences that the process of coming out is easier or harder.

I know what you mean, Crystal, about being impatient to get on with things. It has to be partly due to all that time we spent locked in your minds. It's barely been a week and I'm already eager to move forward.

Gallaudet, I'm sure your journey is going to be physically more difficult but I know that being true to yourself is the most important. The rest tends to sort out with time. You will find when you start university that the world is so much bigger than you know. You'll find your place in it.

[mnguy]

Hi JB75, welcome to EC! Congratulations on coming out to your friends; that's really awesome! I can imagine how hard it was to finally get the words out with your buddy. I too have old friends who live far away and sometimes think of telling them when we get together, but never have. Good luck on the rest of your journey and let us know how it's going. Take care

[NickD]

It really is inspiring to see all of these "older" fellows telling their stories (don't get me wrong, virtually non of you are old ) I don't believe there it is ever too late to become true to yourself.

The very, very first person I came out to was my counselor, and he related a fantastic story to me that I think will give us all a bit of perspective: He has a friend in the psychiatric field who is now 76 years old. After being married for over thirty years, and raising 2 children and several grandchildren, this man was able to come out both to himself and his family only 4 years previously at the age of 72! I can't imagine how much courage and heartache this man must have endured telling anyone, let alone the turmoil he lived with for so long.

We can't judge him for his choice to live life as a "straight man", however we can respect and admire his resolve and dedication to himself. It just goes to show you that we all live different timelines, and there really is no perfect time. The fact that we can acknowledge our true selves at all despite what society says is a beautiful thing.

Congratulations! It is always inspiring to hear anybody's story!

-Nick

[55]

Hi, JB75! Congratulations on becoming authentic!

I'm 56 and just did the same thing after 35 years of marriage and 3 kids. The feeling of liberation is amazing! All of the friends I've told in the past few months all have been very supportive too. I should have known their capacity for acceptance long ago. The only ones I haven't been able to face are some of my former in-laws. Maybe in time. You're fortunate you didn't marry!

It's great to know there are others who have made the transition later in life.

Better late than never!

[jimL]

Congrats. Its just so wonderful when friends react like yours did.......good friends are worth their weight in gold. Dude I'm so happy for you. Btw....I came out last year at 56. Only regret, should have done it a long dam time ago. Oh well........having fun with it now!!!! Dam I love men. There so hot,

[lazyboy]

Congrats on tour success with your friend. I did the same thing with my friend 3 years ago when I was 41 and I haven't looked back. The support continues the be incredible. Coming out at 36 isn't really that bad.

[JB75]

Just a quick update, I've not had the opportunity to talk to anyone else. What has been others experience with coming out after the first time? Its been harder than I thought to bring up the subject.

[Katelynn]

Welcome to EC! I know how it feels, I came out last year at the age of 35, it was hard for me to do, but it was even harder trying to hide things & pretend I was 'normal'. Congrats!

[lazyboy]

I found it extremely hard to bring up the subject the first time. I shook like a leaf. Afterwards it got easier and easier. Once I had the support of at least one or two people, I could pretty much gauge the reactions of others before I took the leap. The consequences if I were wrong were kinda swept away too. Once I had the support of close friends, it didn't really matter to me what other people thought, whether the reaction was good or bad.

So far I haven't had a bad reaction.

[JB75]

It's been a busy week but a really good one. I had dinner with two of my good friends one night and I had decided it was the right time to come out to them. One is a friend I've known since college and the other is his wife. She's become like a sister to me since we met 10 yrs ago. I decided to wait until after they put their daughter to bed so we could talk without interruption. All through dinner I was nervous and my stomach was doing flips. They both kept giving me strange looks so I'm pretty sure they knew something was up. We got through dinner and then watched a movie then it was bed time....finally. I don't think I've ever been so distracted during a movie
After we were all settled I told them I needed them to know something. I said I had been questioning my sexuality for a few years and that in the last few months i had come to accept that I was gay. There was a long pause and then she smiled big and gave me a hug and he said he was happy for me and it doesn't change anything between us all. They both said they knew something was up but they thought I was moving out of town So now the most important people in my life know I'm gay. I still have a few others that I want to tell but it's such an odd feeling that after years of being so closed off and careful to not be outed I can be open. So four down and all good experiences. I can't say it enough, I have amazing friends!

[silverhalo]

Thats awesome congratulations.

[Ianthe]

Originally Posted by JB75

It's been a busy week but a really good one. I had dinner with two of my good friends one night and I had decided it was the right time to come out to them. One is a friend I've known since college and the other is his wife. She's become like a sister to me since we met 10 yrs ago. I decided to wait until after they put their daughter to bed so we could talk without interruption. All through dinner I was nervous and my stomach was doing flips. They both kept giving me strange looks so I'm pretty sure they knew something was up. We got through dinner and then watched a movie then it was bed time....finally. I don't think I've ever been so distracted during a movie
After we were all settled I told them I needed them to know something. I said I had been questioning my sexuality for a few years and that in the last few months i had come to accept that I was gay. There was a long pause and then she smiled big and gave me a hug and he said he was happy for me and it doesn't change anything between us all. They both said they knew something was up but they thought I was moving out of town So now the most important people in my life know I'm gay. I still have a few others that I want to tell but it's such an odd feeling that after years of being so closed off and careful to not be outed I can be open. So four down and all good experiences. I can't say it enough, I have amazing friends!

I remember it feeling really surreal at first. I kept wondering if it was all really happening.

[lazyboy]

Originally Posted by Ianthe

I remember it feeling really surreal at first. I kept wondering if it was all really happening.

I remember it feeling surreal for 3 WEEKS!

[vpl748]

I am 54 and still in the closet so when I read your post, it was like a profile in courage. I have accepted your invitation and look forward to being able to chat with you once I become a full member. But I salute you and I seek the courage and strength you have shown to do the same thing.
Jeremiah