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Almost outed myself as trans with letter.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Young Anonymous, May 1, 2012.

  1. Young Anonymous

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    Last night my mom walked in on me looking at pictures of men... (Sorry, we all have the cravings from time to time...). She freaked out and just said "Oh my god!" and walked back out. Over the night I wrote this letter. Put it on my desktop of my computer, then put a sticky note on the keys to my laptop, then closing it. The note read "Hey mom, I know you will be sifting through my computer do to what you saw last night. I hope you realize how much courage this takes of me to allow you to. Remember I love you and always will and I hope you can say the same. Love, your daughter, Michelle." Then, closing my computer and leaving it on the dining table for her to find, as I know she will want to go through it for what she saw.

    Here was the letter:

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    To Mom, if you've now taken and sifted through my computer.

    Please read this first before "My Diary". I think it will give you a briefing to understand.

    This may be a shock to you, but if you really think about it you've known all along. Mom, I'm transgendered.

    I know the thoughts are now whirling through your head, denying it and wondering how I ever could. I cannot describe just how sorry I really am.
    I did not mean for this to happen, it is something I have no choice in the matter. I would want you to please read this fully and afterwards immediatly contact me.

    Mom, this has all been a sham. My whole life ever since I was about 10 has just been a lie. Even before that I knew what was right and what was frowned upon
    by our society. This has made me sulk through my life as long as I can remember. Don't believe me? Take out some pictures of me 6 years ago. Now 5. Now 4. Now 3. (so on)
    I've never truly been happy, never truly been accepted. Never truly been in comfort with my identity. Never been able to live the life that other girls were able to.
    I've been trapped inside this body for too long. And I've been too scared to come out, even though I identified myself as trans when I was 12. But, knowing you will
    be sifting through my computer as last night (if not this is 5-1-2012) because you walked in on me masturbating to pictures of naked men... I'm sorry about that,
    I really am. That wasn't meant to happen, but now I'm typing this knowing that this may be the only chance I have to come out, and I don't want you to think that
    I'm just gay. Mom, I'm a girl. I'm transgendered. I hope you realise that this isn't a phase. This isn't a proposition. This isn't some fake realization I aquired over
    night. I'm your daughter, and I always have been.

    Mom, I love you. I hope you realize that. I may have always been secluded and stayed in my room all the time. I know you've noticed that and I know you don't like it.
    But I want you to know that you're still my mother. And I love you so very much. I want you to still do the same. You mean a lot to me, and I know I do to you too,
    will I still be your baby?

    Mom, being transgendered is something that is made taboo by society. To be made unspeakable. They used to burn us and the gays at the stake along with the witches
    back in the olden days. That hatred is still around today. Don't let it influence you. I know you're a democratic liberal, I know you have no hard feelings to anyone
    in the LGBT community, I mean, you (and I as well) adore Rachel Maddow, and she's lesbian. I hope you won't discriminate against your own child. Though Dad I can't
    say for sure on. We've never really got along, and he's always silently thought of me as a failure of a man, as I'm the only one out of 9 of his descendents. I hope
    he too will be supportive of me, and not kick me out or discriminate as many transpeople's parents have.

    Mom, I hope you realize that me hiding this from you for so long wasn't to hurt you. Or to not trust you. I was just scared. Living the closet life is a horrible thing.
    But being ridiculed, dis-owned, hated, and outcasted by society for it's bigotry is far too worse. But now, I fear I have no choice and must come out. As I'm typing
    this I'm actually finding myself hoping you will read it. Freeing me of this horrible lock I've put on myself all these years. I love you Mum.

    Mom, you may have noticed over the past year or two I've been acting a lot more feminine. I've been styling my hair, dressing differently, putting my hair into girly
    things. Even acting and talking differently. I'm not doing this to frighten you, or to prevent shock, or to even make you distressed in any way. I've been doing this
    to slowly let myself go, to slowly let myself stick one foot out of the closet to see how you would react. I've gotten horrible gay jokes from school, and frowns and
    dismay from my father. But I've still been doing it because it makes me feel so wonderful.

    Mom, I know you've been noticing I've been playing a lot of online video games. I don't do it all for just video-induced entertainment. I've been doing it because
    there everybody knows me as a woman. On the web, everybody knows me as Michelle. I have over 200 friends, talking to them everyday. A lot I've even come out
    to as being trans. Hopefully you can talk to them to and have them help you, and myself, with transition. Rachel and Tom have been the best friends I've ever had.
    I know you may think all of this is silly, but please, please mom, this isn't silly to me. To me it's an escape from the harsh reality. From there I AM a woman.
    I hope you realize just how great that makes me feel.

    Mom, I know you have so many questions about transition, and I will gladly answer them all. I would also like to give you many links to many websites. All having
    great information on the subject. Sadly, I cannot give you any links to sites or forums, as if you are reading this tomorrow you know the internet is down at our house.
    But I will gladly answer ANY questions you have about transition tomorrow. Please contact me ASAP, I love you so much.

    Mom, another thing I would like to address is that I'm bisexual. I know you have just as many questions pop up here as above. I know you're thinking that this
    is just a phase. That this is just me not accepting that I'm gay. (Though only recently I have been considering myself bi, I've been considering myself only into men
    since I was 10.) I'm sorry, this is just another thing to tack to the list that society has frowned upon. Once again, do not let it bias your thoughts toward your own child.
    Mom, I love you, I honestly do. I hope you will still love me back.

    Mom, you've probably wondered if I have depression. I know you've noticed me being very sad at times the past few years. I've tried to pass it off as something silly
    such as stomach pains or the such. I hope you arn't mad that I lied to you. I did it once again because I was scared. Scared of coming out but also scared that I
    would do something stupid, more on that later.

    I could really go on for pages upon pages of writing through tears, but really, this is just the basics I want you to know. I love you beyond belief and I don't want
    anything to come between us. I hope you feel the same way. Mom, I'm a bisexual atheist transgender. I hope as weird as I am you will accept me as your daughter.
    I love you.


    I'm horrified as to your reaction, I hope you will accept me for who I am, though I know others won't. Please read "My Diary" next to see a log of every few days
    for the past 6 months or so. Please talk to me in person ASAP after.

    Your Loving Daughter,

    ~ Michelle

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Now, I don't think she read it. When I got home it was still on the dining table, the note still there, stuck to the same keys. She still won't look me in the eye or say very many words, but I think this is just from last night. I don't know why I'm posting this if I didn't actually come out. But it was the fact that I tried to. That I put the chance out there. Right now I take it back and I don't want to come out for the cliche bad parents issue and financial dependency. Oh well, if you've read down all the way to here, kudos to you, just needed to vent. Love you all for the help in advance. (*hug*)
     
    #1 Young Anonymous, May 1, 2012
    Last edited: May 1, 2012
  2. enutpen

    enutpen Guest

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    Congratulations and good luck!! (*hug*)
     
  3. Miranda

    Full Member

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    Well done! I'm impressed with your letter :slight_smile: Probably these days will be hard both for your mother and you, but I hope you will be accepted as you are :icon_wink
     
  4. Young Anonymous

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    She hasn't read it, atleast I don't think she did. The note on the keys was untouched and she doesn't seem to appear shocked at all. So I don't think she did, though I'm only 99.99% sure. This post was just me being proud of myself for even stepping one foot out of the closet by my first attempt at coming out :confused:
     
  5. kyle 1

    Regular Member

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    Very nice letter :slight_smile: I really enjoyed reading it. And congratulations for having the strength to come out. (*hug*)