I have been putting off coming out "officially" to my Dad. He is an ordained minister in a really conservative church, is an active leader in the local tea-party and is on a first name basis with all of the republican big wigs in my state. My father has never been shy about telling me all the things I am doing wrong - For example I am going to hell because I did not vote for the "correct" presidential candidate in 2008. I feel like I am at the point in my life where I need to be really honest with him... but he is still my Dad, and there is a large part of me that still craves his approval. Also, my Mom has been really supportive and I feel like puting my homosexuality out in the open would drive a wedge between them and force my Mother to choose one of us over the other - and the last thing I want to do is cause her additional grief. My long term partner and I are planning on getting married and starting a family - and we both feel this needs to be dealt with before we can move forward. Any help/advise would be appreciated. Thanks!
I agree that the issue needs to be dealt with before moving forward with marriage, family, and so forth. I stayed closeted to my father for a long time, and when I finally came out - and then later when I finally refused to stop hiding to extended family at his behest - I couldn't believe how much stress it relieved from my life and how healthy it made other areas of my life, including things that I didn't even know were being affected. Of course, it sounds like doing this will be a pretty daunting experience. Based on what you've said here, I would, realistically speaking, expect some resistance from him upon hearing the news. But I also would try not to worry about some things as much as you might think. Acceptance from parents is good, but you're also getting to the point of beginning your own life and being your own authority for your own children. Even if your dad doesn't handle the news well, having concrete issues to deal will probably be healthier than shouldering all the worry yourself. And your parents will take care of themselves - chances are, their relationship has a ton of aspects that you're not even aware of (I'm guessing they met before you came along :lol, and if they're currently okay, then your news won't shatter their marriage. Think of this, instead, as a chance to take care of yourself, and your partner. The more you make concessions in your personal life to placate your family (especially without them even knowing about it), the more it's going to back up on your personal life. Or, at least, that's what I learned from my own experience. Are you thinking of any specific ways to come out to your dad? Or is that not part of the debate yet?
My father has NEVER been physically abusive towards my mother or myself, however imho he has crossed the line in the past - verbally and emotionally - when he didn't get his way. I realize that the problems in their relationship are not my responsibility - but I don't want to make things worse either... I am currently leaning towards writing him a letter - hopefully that way he can calm down a bit before we discuss things in person. That way I can be deliberate about my word choices, and make sure to say all the things I need to tell him without as much pressure. Plus, if he takes the "news" as badly as I fear, I won't have to look him in the eye when he disowns me. Is that cowardly? I suck majorly at confrontation, I always freeze up, start to cry and forget to say half of what I mean to.
I'm sorry to hear that about your dad, and to hear that they are currently having problems. :icon_sad: Even in this case, though, I find it hard to justify the alternative, which is not coming out and hiding from your father for the sake of his marriage. If he needs you to lie, then the marriage is in trouble already. And, disclaimer - I'm certainly not trying to analyze your parents' relationship from a distance and at third-hand, naturally you know them better than I do - I'm just exploring hypotheticals and basically coming to the same conclusion that, ultimately, you need to be true to yourself first of all. In the short run, it's possible that it will create problems, but in the long run, it will lead to a more honest and healthy (even if less close, in your dad's case) relationship with both your parents. I don't think that coming out in a letter is a bad idea, or even cowardly. Especially if you know you'll have trouble doing it in person, a letter can be both more effective as well as a calmer way to do it (as you mention, you avoid the emotional rush of coming out in person and can - hopefully - skip forward to some more level-headed conversations). I did that when I came out to my dad, and I think it was a great idea. The only downside is it does depersonalize it a little bit, but as long as you keep the conversation open afterwards, that won't be a problem - you're not establishing a whole new relationship between you two when you come out, after all...you're just starting on a path to one. Also, one more thought - take it for what it's worth. Try not to assume too much about how your dad will handle it. Granted, it sounds like he's established a pretty consistent pattern of behavior and social attitudes, but you never know. Just offering this because I was completely wrong about how both my parents would react (thought my Mom would be okay, Dad would have trouble, but it turned out the opposite in the short term - long term it worked out more that way, but not as bad as I thought). So, give him a chance to surprise you - worst-case scenario, you're no worse off than you're already assuming you will be. Oh, and feel free to post the letter if you want some extra pairs of eyes. Lots of people have done that on EC and they seem to find it really helpful.
