So the story starts way back so it might take me lots of space to write. I just wanted to note that I have always knew that I was gay, but whenever I would get a thought like that guy Is cute I would simply set it aside, denying its existence. All names are made up and aren’t reflecting persons personality or do they bear any similarities with their real names. Well one day, last year, while I was in school this connected but seemingly random events started to occur with a girl coming into our school with a Mohawk. It dragged literally everyone’s attention since that was first mohawk in our small and skeptic town. Everyone was talking about her, everyone knew who she was and yet I somehow managed to miss that for 2 day. Yes I missed seeing or hearing about first mohawk in our school, on a girl. Nothing unusual for me. Once I finally noticed her, my first thought was “I want to meet her”. That was because I am interested in human psyche, a lot, and I just had to know as much as I can about that “deviation”. Weeks passed and I commented with my friends (Letts call them Dave and Jack (names not connected to reality)) on how much I want to know about her. According to her one day, when our eyes meet she got the desire to meet with me as well but both of us were too shy to make the first move. One day I talked to my only female friend (Lara) and mentioned the mohawk girl (Nina). Lara just happened to be new found friends with Nina (A bit creepy timing) so she offered to introduce us. We all went out for sushi and had a great time later when I got over being nervous. While we were eating sushi Nina randomly stated “I am lesbian” in front of me, just to see my reaction. I was completely cool with that and just said “ok” (or something along those lines) and hadn’t asked much about it. Seeing how cool I was about her being gay (I hate hypocrites, and even though I didn’t accept the fact I was gay back then, it felt hypocritical to be anything else but cool about someone else being gay) she opened up to me and talked about her crushes, how she came to know her real self and how she denied it at first. I could see my situation in hers, though a bit different. Months passed and we began close (so close that people thought that we were dating(we found that hilarious and sticked to their story just to see people’s reactions)) and I realized that there is nothing wrong with being gay and that I am not alone, even in a small town and closed minded town such as mine is. Eventually I hinted her that I was gay and she understood hints. It was hard for me to say “I’m gay” directly, so I used metaphors and indirect references at first but she knew what I was talking about. At that time everything she asked me (To help me understand my sexuality) was extremely difficult to answer because I was ashamed of it even though I began accepting. Nina is the first one I came out to, which was such a relief since I finally had a person I could talk to about that. I didn’t have to pretend that I like girls and such things. Somewhere in the meantime we got in a fight with Lara, can’t remember when exactly but it was because she was in love with me and I kept rejecting her cold bloodedly. I hadn’t thought about her for month or so but one day I saw her in town and wanted to apologies for my refusals and explain why i couldn’t come to like her. I hate hurting people and not apologizing later, and I happen to be sharp yet modest in words while offending, probably the worst combination if you add sarcasm to it, which I do. I also have this annoying habit of being in crappy mood once every week and with all my friends being hyper and difficult to handle even when I am fine, bad things happen. There are at least 10 persons who once were eager to kill me, maybe some still do. Anyway Lara couldn’t trust me again after what I did to her so I had to give her a reason to accept apology. I gave her something whit which she could blackmail me and that was the fact that I am gay. That way even if I hurt her she can do more damage. At that time it seemed as something I must do but it backfired. She told a few people, some of which she considered were good at keeping secrets but guess what. They weren’t, which leads us to the next chapter called “The whole town knows yet no one dares to ask you directly”. In this par the whole town knows about you, talk about it behind your back (Literally, they were 1 desk away from me and talked as if I weren’t there) you know they talk about it but yet no one dares to ask you directly. Instead they ask your closest friends to whom you still didn’t come out to since you know that they are homophobes. They decline, but keep getting more and more distant from you, seeing your every action as threat. Most of that happened during the last month in which my birthday was and that is when the main story begins, the one I just had to introduce with previous 1000 words (Yea you read that many you are allowed to feel proud (I’m a bit dyslectic so 1000 words of reading to do and I become dizzy)). Time to introduce new character we will call, Jimmy (my neighbor) Timmy(geekyeast ne among us, and most talented one as well) and Garry (the bad influence according to my mother (she isn’t that far from the truth, however she only sees bad)) my friends outside of school, and the ones I like to hang out with more than my school friends. One day we went on coffee together, which later turned to drinking party. We hadn’t had much but it was enough for Jimmy and Timmy to get carried away with chitchat. Timmy whispered to Jimmy something among these lines “You only have 3 friends, one of them has no life (referring to himself) one is gay (Probably me) and the third one” that’s the part I missed. I was scared and extremely uncomfortable, even though Jimmy is the person I am friends with the longest i thought he might reject me as friends if he knows. He is homophobic. At that point I considered committing suicide, with thought that all my friends will leave me but Nina managed to make me yield my soul to her. She gave me some strong advices which stopped me and filled me with will to live. Whole week I was happy and inspired, so inspired that I actually wanted to have a birthday party (When it comes to birthdays I always argued with my parents, they claimed that I have to have one but with me being modes I always refused anything greater that going out for pizza and leave it at it.) a big one with all my out of school on it. Timmy, Jimmy, Garry, and Nina were there and we had a good time, so good that we were sad to leave it only at that. Saturday after that we went out again. This was 2 days ago. I was depressed that day, no reason beside boredom and gloomy thoughts about future. At 22:30 I received a call from Garry to come. I began refusing due to my mood but once Garry used word “Bro” I had to come. I knew they knew about me and yet they all called me a bro, it made me feel like I was part of the group again so I joined them. I joined theme 15 minutes after the call. When I arrived Jimmy was already so drunk that he could barely stand. He had to have 2 persons supporting him and I was one of them. He held to me strongly, and I had my arm around his shoulders, for 1 hour or so. I had enough time to feel his warmth, his soft skin and everything. He kept apologizing for his state, maybe because he knew that I am being to develop feelings while holding him like that but I was glad. He knew that I was gay and yet he allows me to touch him, without trying to push me and yelling at me, and he is the most homophobic one. At one point he even said “gay is ok” This all happened on playground of some school so around 00:00 cops came in. Jimmy and Garry are both 18+ and were sober so all went well but we were asked to clean the bottles when had with ourselves and leave as soon as possible. We had bottle of vodka (0.5 l) and whine with ourselves. Since we had to move soon so I helped them finish it, and without drinking much I got drunk. Jimmy had to go home since he was no longer able to move by himself and I offered to take him home, just to spend some more time in his arms but he refused. We cleaned after ourselves and began walking to the nearest club. On the way there Garry said that he once kissed a guy. I classified him as Bisexual (I was wrong perhaps, don’t know yet) and felt a bit horny next to him. During the course of the night I had desire (Can’t think of nice way to say this) to blow him . In the club, I fallowed them around and out of blue Garry came whispering to my ear “Bro, I heard you were gay.”. My first thought to that was “his gay too and wants to “have fun „with me” off course this was caused by alcohol and me being horny. I replied, all cool “Yes I am”. He told me “It takes guts to come out of the closet, you just rose in my eyes, well we all support whatever you chose to be” on which I replied “it’s not choice, I think no one would chose it”. He smiled as if he knew that what I was talking about was true and said “you’re right, anyway we support you”. He then went on and told to all my other friends that I came out (It was loud in club, I barley heard what he was saying to me ear to ear). My brother came soon after, hugged me and said similar things like Garry. He said that he knew because he one day saw my history (1 day I forget to erase it!) but apparently he had time to accept it. Rest of the night was fun, I felt SOOOO much better than before. All my panic thoughts disappeared, I had bunch of friends who support me, I came out and no one left. It was like a dream, still is. My biggest problem came when I came home and went to sleep. I was exhausted and yet I couldn’t fall asleep. It was Jimmy who was on my mind, his hug and all. Also he is the one I still hadn’t told yet, and it buggs me. I spent last few day going to sleep while thinking about him, wakeing up is the same. Today at school, still confident from coming out I told my closest school friend Dave. He Didn’t believe me, didn’t want to be exact but at least he didn’t reject me, instead he asked some questions. I answered them. He told me that he was asked by other people about me before but that he couldn’t believe that (I pretended to be extremely perverted). With him it didn’t go as well, he said that he needs time to think about it but I’m glad he knows. In worst case scenario he will avoid me for few days and then slowly start to accept me. Anyway that is my story, for now. I only came out to 7 people total, but the whole school knows. I still have to come out to my parents. I’ll do that when sun sets on east 3 times in row lol. I’m not in the best relations with them at the moment. Well thank you for reading this looong story. I really feel better now that I typed it. I hope that someone out there who is reading this and still hasn’t come out will find courage in it. I, from a small homophobic and closed minded town came out and am still alive and even better, have friends who support me. Anyone wants to ask questions feel free to pm. Anyway, how should I tell my parents and what should I do about Jimmy if I should do anything at all? Post comments if you want to.
I found out just recently that Jimmy has been drinking that day because of me, and the word bro was repeating so much because he wanted to make it clear that I am a bro and should never forget it. I also heard that he was the last in group to know and the one with the sharpest reaction; however he was the one that stopped others from making gay jokes. Well I won’t do anything about that hugging of his (I was the one who basically threw myself under his shoulder whenever one of his supporters had to go somewhere so I am to blame) and will try to forget it, better for both of us. Also I will talk to him, answer as much questions as he asks and then give him some time to accept.
