1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

My Road to Coming Out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Cloudbreaker, May 19, 2012.

  1. Cloudbreaker

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2012
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    0
    I was going to post my coming out story to my parents which took place over the past couple of days, but then figured I should post my entire story up until this point. I know some people out there find the details helpful, and helpful is what I would like this post to be. So here goes:

    While my story really starts about a decade ago, it was at the end of September 2011 that everything started to matter. It was around this time seven and a half months ago, a month before I turned 25, that I was finally able to admit to myself that I was gay. I came to the realization that I had nothing against people who were gay and that I wouldn't like myself any less if I were gay. It was that realization that allowed me to make the last mental leap into accepting what I semi-subconsciously knew all along.

    For me, I first needed to come to terms with being gay before I could admit to myself that I was. I had known since high school that guys turned me on and that girls were almost like furniture to me (no offense ladies), but for some reason that didn't matter. If I decided I wasn't gay, then I wasn't. End of story. The few times my orientation came into question and I defended my straightness, I would think to myself things along the lines of, "See, if I say it out loud, it must be true." It never really felt true though.

    I never dated any girls in high school (which isn't really evidence in and of itself) and never had any real interest in doing so. But when senior prom came around, there was a girl I thought was really cool and wanted to ask to go with me (which we did). I remember thinking that I really must be straight if I wanted to take a girl to the prom. For a long time I used that as THE evidence that I was straight. To this day I still think my prom date was a really awesome person, but thinking someone is awesome is not the same as being attracted to them.

    In college I still did not seem to have any interest in dating girls. I convinced myself that it was because a girlfriend would be too expensive, or I didn't have the time to commit to a girlfriend, or I hadn't met the right girl yet. While all were true to some extent, they were still excuses. Unfortunately I never put a lot of thought into it. Even as I came to realize and admit to myself that guys truly did turn me on and women didn't, I still had myself convinced that I was completely straight. I had myself convinced that I would never actually want to do anything with a guy, but I would want to do stuff with girls.

    This way of thinking somehow managed to last through college and a little while afterwards. But all the mental barriers I had thrown up to keep myself convinced that I wasn't gay slowly started crumbling away. When watching television, I would always catch myself empathizing with the gay characters. When there was positive gay-rights news, I would always feel like I had won a little too. When there was gay hate in the news, I would take it more personally than other similar stories. And not to mention a lot of people my age were getting married and having kids, and I still didn't even have interest in so much as dating women. I began the process of looking inward and unveiling the cold hard facts about myself.

    That brings us back to last September, when I finally told myself the truth. It was less of a "Wow, I guess I'm gay," moment, and more of a "Well, that was long overdue," moment. For about a week I thought maybe I was bisexual, but then I was like, "[Cloudbreaker], if you are going to be honest with yourself, be completely honest with yourself. You really are not into the women. Get over it." And just like that, I was over it. I was gay and okay with it.

    But unfortunately me being okay with it wasn't the only thing I had to worry about. I knew there were plenty of other people out there who weren't okay with it, and I had to prepare for some of them to be people I was close to. I knew I wasn't going to live in the closet for the rest of my life, but I still wasn't sure how to go about coming out of it. Even worse, I had no idea how my family members would react. That first month before my 25th birthday I tried several times to tell my parents, but I would always talk myself out of it or be overcome with paralyzing dread.

    It's probably a good thing that I didn't come out right away though. As time went on I slowly came to realize that there wasn't as much to fear as I first thought. While I still wasn't sure how well people would take the news, I became pretty confident that none of the people that mattered most to me would go so far as to disown me. I discovered the When I Came Out stories on Tumblr and read a bunch of them. Just hearing about other people who went through the same type of situation and made it out alright helped a lot.

    I tried a few times to come out to my parents again in November and December, but with all the holidays, birthdays, and the birth of a new niece thrown in there, it was all too easy to convince myself that "Now is not the time." It wasn't until January that I was finally overcome with an overwhelming desire to tell someone.

    I decided one afternoon that I absolutely had to tell someone that day before I went to bed. I assumed it would be my parents who I would tell, but as the day dragged on and they eventually went to bed, I became disappointed in myself that the words once again refused to escape my lips. But as I was getting ready for bed myself, I was like, "[Cloudbreaker], you gotta stop talking yourself out of this and start talking yourself into it." And so after I was ready for bed, I sat myself down at my computer and began writing the following Facebook message to my two closest friends.

    My finger hovered over the Reply button for what must have been the better part of an hour. But I eventually pushed it and headed to bed. Needless to say my quality of sleep suffered that night. I got up early before work to see if either of my friends had replied yet, and to my surprise, both of them had.

    They were both really supportive and assured me that it would not change our friendship one bit (and it hasn't). They also told me that if I ever needed to talk or needed help with anything, they would be more than willing to lend a hand. It was about as good of a response as anyone could have hopped for.

    The entire day at work my stomach was doing somersaults. I was still in shock that I had actually told anyone my biggest secret, and still overwhelmed by the extremely positive responses I received. It was nice to know that whatever happened from here on out, I had at least two people who would be on my side.

    And it was around this time that I finally realized what a helpful resource YouTube could be for the coming out process. Seeing videos of real people telling real stories was indispensable for me. It helped to brush away any lingering stereotypical thoughts about what it meant to be gay. These were not gay people, but people who happened to be gay. I stopped being unashamed of being gay and started being proud to be part of a group with so many wonderful and helpful individuals. Thanks YouTube!

    And then, in early March, I found this site. Here I found answers to a lot of questions that would have been too embarrassing to ask or too trivial to answer elsewhere. I found answers to questions I didn't even know I had. And just as awesome, I could try and give help to others who needed it. EC has been one of the single most positive websites I have ever found on the internet. It brought helped bring me a lot further along the road of acceptance than I thought possible a few months prior. Looking back now, I realize just how muddled my mind had been.

    However, even with all the positive reinforcement, it still took me another two months before I could muster up the courage to tell someone else about my orientation. I came out to one of my sisters and her husband. The sister I figured would be most likely to be accepting. She lives far away, so I once again used Facebook as my coming out medium and sent her the following message.

    She didn't guess based on that message and said I could either call her or send her some hints, because she didn't want to wait until her and her family came over. I replied with the following.

    This time she got it. I asked her how she felt about it and she assured me that while she was still letting it sink in, she would always love me and would never disown me or anything like that. We ended up having a long chat about how I came to know, what to expect from other family members, and if I had a boyfriend yet. Stuff I had never discussed with anyone yet. It was pretty awesome despite the brief moments of awkwardness.

    After telling my sister, I wasn't too nervous about telling my other family members anymore. In fact, I think my sister was more worried about it than I was. However, it was still difficult enough that I couldn't bring myself to say the words out loud, in person. On March 28, 2012, about six months after I came out to myself, I decided to write a not to my parents. That way if a good coming out transition in a conversation ever presented itself, I wouldn't have to rely on my ability to speak. I could just hand them a piece of paper.

    Well, easier said than done. I carried that piece of paper around in my pocket for a month and a half before I finally said enough was enough. I wrote a caution note and placed it on top of my letter so that they would have some sense of the importance of what was contained within. Then I left them on the kitchen table before I headed to work one morning, around May 15. The notes were as follows.

    I spent all day at work thinking about what would be waiting for me when I got home, but was surprisingly calm about it. I wasn't completely calm, but much calmer than expected. When I finally got home, both parents were gone, working. But the note was still on the table so I knew that they both had an excellent chance to have seen and read it. By the time I finally saw my parents that night, it was dinner time. But two of my sisters were also there, and they didn't know yet, so the subject was never brought up and we didn't get a chance to talk about it that night.

    Still, I was on cloud nine. Even though we never talked about anything, my parents still treated me just the same as always. No yelling, no disappointed looks, no kicking me out of the house. I knew that even if they disapproved, they were still willing to treat my like their son and a human being.

    The following night at supper my dad finally brought up the subject. He pretty much said that I was old enough to make my own decisions and if I wanted to tell people it was my prerogative and stuff like that. He did warn me that I better be ready to face the consequences though, which I think is mostly him subtly expressing his concern for my well-being. Something that surprised me though was that he said he personally would have rather that I hadn't told him. At least not until I needed help buying a house or was adopting a kid or something. I thought that was kind of funny and told him I wouldn't want to blindside him like that, which he appreciated. Overall it seems my parents are pretty indifferent to me being gay, which I consider to be an extremely positive thing.

    I still have three sisters, a brother in law, and up to two cousins left to tell before I consider myself out to all who matter most. Even so, I'm not really hiding my orientation anymore and I don't feel afraid to tell people. I'm sure it still won't be easy, but even if my remaining sisters outright disown me (which I really doubt) then I feel I will still manage just fine.

    That's as far as my coming out story goes thus far. If anyone wants to know about any part of my story in greater detail, don't be afraid to ask. Chances are that if knowing will help you, it could help someone else as well.
     
  2. Mercy

    Mercy Guest

    awh ur so brave
     
  3. Vesper

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2011
    Messages:
    1,393
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Wisconsin, The Land of Cheese and Beer
    Thanks for telling us your story. You've probably heard this a billion times before, but coming out is rarely easy, even if positive responses are all but certain, because there's always that tiny bit of fear of negative or ambiguous reactions that gnaw at a person.

    I'm glad to hear that your coming out experiences have been positive so far, and hope that you'll be fortunate enough to have nothing but positive experiences from here on out.
     
    #3 Vesper, May 20, 2012
    Last edited: May 20, 2012
  4. October

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2012
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Alabama
    Gender:
    Female
    I'm so happy for you! Congratulations!
     
  5. Lad123

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2012
    Messages:
    525
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    Nice, we have a similar time frame to finally accepting who we are (apart from the 2 years). Well, I always knew I was gay and wasn't in denial but it didn't mean I liked being gay, in fact I hated it and wished I was straight for 22 years. It all changed last September I think when I thought 'I'm clearly not going to change so I may aswell embrace it and live happily'. So i found the courage to come out to my sister the following month in October and she was so supportive :slight_smile: Funnily enough, my sister also finds it more nervous for me to come out to family haha! We tried to tell one of my brothers earlier this month but she chickened out and I attempted but I also got scared :lol:
     
  6. Cloudbreaker

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2012
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks everyone! Your comments are much appreciated.

    Chouchou: The not knowing is certainly the worst part about coming out. The minor uncertainty was enough to freeze the words in my mouth on more than one occasion. Hopefully not anymore though. And I also hope I only have positive experiences from here on out. Thanks!

    Lad123: I'm glad to hear you are making progress. I know it's not easy, but it's well worth it. I'll be rooting for you!
     
  7. phliper12

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 20, 2012
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Wow... that was inspirational. I know coming out is definitely difficult. Over the 10 years that I have known (but not accepted), I've only told maybe 5 friends... but I went to art college... so who isn't accepting. I would have told more, but I was so paranoid about my parents finding out. I certainly hope for similar reactions from my parents but I know that won't happen. I know for certain that at the very least my mom will cry, my dad will be angry for doing this to them (especially my mom), and they will both be disappointed in me. Even though I have a gay brother, they still lack the knowledge of what it is like and don't understand... but he lives far away so we never see him. I hope they realize it is not a choice. I'll tell them when I don't live with them anymore.... hopefully soon.

    Heck, I haven't even told my gay brother yet, because he would totally say something when he's drunk. He gossips about everyone in the family... even telling family about my gay cousin when he wasn't out.
     
  8. Cloudbreaker

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2012
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    0
    I figured I would add a little more to my coming out story now that I have made some more progress. I came out to one of my sisters over facebook, and here is some background information to help set the scene. On Saturday, June 23, me and my oldest sister were in a vehicle with some other family members on the way to a wedding. We were pretty much debating possible ways the universe might work and how we both like to challenge our own ways of thinking. I was taking a more scientific stance on a lot of things and she was taking a more religious stance. After a while we somehow get on to the subject of me dating and she asks me if I am ever planning to get a girlfriend. I say "no." She asks if I am just going to skip dating and just get married, and I say "no." She asks if I ever think I'll get married, and I say "yeah, probably." I was fully expecting to come out to her then and there, but somehow the conversation inexplicably doesn't go in that direction. It was a little mind-boggling.

    Anyway, a couple days later, on Wednesday, June 27, I was a little disappointed that I missed out on such a good opportunity, so I sent her a message on Facebook to get it done and over with. The message I sent her is as follows:

    Apparently the message was seen at 12:16am on Friday, June 29. However, she still hasn't sent a reply message and I have seen her many times in person since then and the subject has never even been hinted at. I even went on a ten hour road trip with her and her family last weekend to another wedding and nothing was mentioned. I guess I should be happy that she hasn't treated me any differently (and I am), but it is kind of bugging me that she didn't even let me know that she read it yet. Should I bring it up or just leave it be?

    Also, at work one of my co-workers asked me outright if I was gay about a week ago. It was kind of funny because she started fumbling around with a question and I just KNEW she was about to ask if I was gay. I casually confirmed that I was and work went on as usual. I didn't mind her knowing (I'm not really trying to actively conceal my orientation anymore), but I was still a little nervous because she is the type who might randomly tell anyone else. But I don't really care if she does, so it's all good.

    That's it for now, I guess. I'll keep you guys updated.
     
  9. Cloudbreaker

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2012
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    0
    Update:

    So my oldest sister finally replied to the message I sent her three weeks after I sent it (July 19, after I sent another message asking why she hadn't answered yet). She said she was planning to reply in person but never got around to it. Then she thanked me for being honest with her (and her husband) and that while she might not agree with it, she would still love me no matter what. In my book, that is a good response. Especially considering that she is by far the most religious person in my immediate family.

    Also, I finally told my two younger sisters last night, July 29. Now my entire family knows! Woohoo!

    So, the story. My younger sisters and I were all at my parents' house and they were getting ready to leave. I told them to make sure I told them something before they left, but didn't give them any clues about what it might be. Then, before they left, we sat down at the kitchen table and I broke the news to them like this: "So you know how sometimes girls use the phrase 'How come all the nice guys are either taken or gay?' Well... I'm not taken." This was the first time I ever told anyone face-to-face so I wasn't sure what to expect. They seemed like they weren't sure what to think, but as we talked about it they never said anything bad, and I told them if they thought of any questions later they could feel free to ask me.

    All in all my coming out story has gone pretty well. I'm not entirely positive how accepting my family is yet, but I don't really feel like I need their acceptance as long as I still have their respect. And I don't feel like I have lost any respect, so that's good. And there is probably a decent amount of acceptance in there anyway, which I expect to grow larger in due time.

    Hard part is over. Now let's get this show on the road!
     
  10. qboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2011
    Messages:
    245
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    East Midlands
    Glad it's going so well for you - just noticed this pop in the recent posts again and as I was reading through it, it all came back to when I read it first time around, and you are damn right the details do help - the following struck a cord....

    which made me read on.

    Also,
    Thanks to you I ended up reading quite a few of them, and a couple of them are now bookmarked on my phone and were read quite a few times before I started the process, and they helped make it alight for me too.

    So true, The first one I watched happened to mention the It Get's Better Project which is where I ended up watching most of the videos, so yeah Thanks YouTube. If anyone else reading this gets the opportunity to - go to Pride if you want to see the stereotypes dissolved to nothing - yeah some of them are true but only for a small minority of the people there. Surprised me how "normal" everyone was, was just like any other event being held in the park but a with a bit less attitude :sunglasses: (possibly helps that it's quite small here so not a huge party event)..

    So yeah Thank You for taking the time to post this :slight_smile: (&&&)
     
  11. Cloudbreaker

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2012
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    0
    I am so glad that my story has helped you, qboy. I mean that sincerely. You just made my day.
     
  12. Lad123

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2012
    Messages:
    525
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    Congratulations! You've made so much progress in such a short amount of time. I'm so jealous :slight_smile:
     
  13. jake48

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 24, 2012
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Reading this actually made me see myself in a way and some stuff I been going through, It helped me. Also I guess I found out my junior year in High school guys turned me on. Reading your story helped me to clear things up in my life and gave me clarity. It's just came to me in this article I'am GAY!!! Thank you so much you helped me understand who I actually am :icon_bigg, :slight_smile:

    Congratulations on your success with your family and yourself!!! :icon_bigg:icon_bigg:icon_bigg:thumbsup:
     
  14. Cloudbreaker

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2012
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    0
    Lad123: In terms of years, you are still well ahead of me. It is I who should be jealous of you.

    jake48: I am so glad that I was able to contribute to you figuring yourself out. That is a tremendous accomplishment and you should feel proud. I wish you well on your journey from here on out.
     
  15. AspieXLDS

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2012
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Logan, UT (Also known as Hell)
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Cloudbreaker, like jake48, I gotta say thank you for sharing your story. The quoted section in jake48's message pretty much sums up my experience (although I haven't watched Glee, I do enjoy some of these soap opera type shows like Pretty Little Liars and Revenge). Its kind of weird, since I thought I was bi, but after reading through that and really thinking about it, I realize I'm simply gay. Guess I'd better change my orientation....
     
  16. Cloudbreaker

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2012
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    0
    I'm glad I could help! It's just good to know that I didn't type all that up for nothing. :icon_wink