Well, I told my mom, aaaaaand it didn't go over too well. We aren't talking much at all now. Some background on the whole thing up to this point: A while ago I met a really good friend, and to make a long story short, I found out he was gay. Well, my mom pretty much knew that, and asked me if he was, and I said yeah. Well, a few times in the past she has asked me weird questions like, "Where were you last night? Who were you with? Were they guys or girls? Well, did you go for the guy or the girl?" At this point, I thought maybe she knew. I guess I was wrong. Yesterday, I asked her if I could borrow her from her boyfriend for a bit. She agreed, so I took her out for a drive. We went and picked up a coffee and just kinda drove. I told her I wanted to talk to her about something. Well, she basically played 20 questions with me until she asked "You're not gay, are you?". I looked at her and smiled. She laughed and said, "No you're not.". I looked back at her with a straight face and told her, "Yeah, I am.". At that point she just started tearing up. She then asked how I knew. I told her I wasn't interested in being with a woman. Then she sternly asked "But you do with a man?" and I told her "Yeah." At this point she just stopped talking. I asked her to say something. Then she went on about how she thought out of the three of us (my brothers and I) that I would be the best father and she saw such a great life for me. I said, "Well, who says I can't still have a child?" "Well, you need a WOMAN for that!". I tried to explain other options, but she then went on saying that she thinks that it's selfish for two men or two women to raise a child. I have no idea WHY she said that, but she did. Essentially she didn't want to talk about it. I understand that. I was just mostly upset that she didn't reassure me that she didn't hate me, love me any less, or anything along those lines. She did when pulled up the the house and didn't park. She asked what I was going, and I told her I needed to go out and think and whatnot. She hugged me and told me she doesn't hate me, but that's all she said. Then she got out of the car and went inside. I went over to my best friends and talked it over with him and his mom, who is VERY supportive of this. I was originally going to call off work the next day and just hang at his house for a while, because I knew I was accepted there. Well, I was there until 2:30, when at that point I decided I needed to go home and not miss work. I got home to my mom on Craigslist. She said she couldn't sleep. I told her I was going to bed, and went to my room. Today, I came home from a bad day at work and posted on FB about it. Since my mom is a FB addict, within 5 seconds of me posting that I heard her get up and started walking downstairs. She came and sat down and said she had some questions for me. I told her I really wasn't in the mood. She asked why not, and I told her I wasn't having a good day. Then she said, "Oh, and you think I have?!" and went upstairs. Dinner time rolled around and we didn't even look at each other. I didn't look up, I just looked at my plate. I just feel so unwelcome here now. Ugh. This sucks. I thought I'd feel better, but I feel even worse. Anybody have any tips on how to deal with this? I've been falling into this deep depression, and it sucks.
First off, I'm sorry that it didn't go well. Just reading it though, I'm kinda getting the sense that she's just dealing with it badly, and would probably (hopefully?) come around soon enough. What she was going on about sounds like what probably alot of parents go through when we come out to them: their dreams for the perfect life for their child all get shattered in an instant. But that's not your fault; it's something you had to do. So don't feel bad. Honestly, I think she'll get over it soon enough. The fact that she said she didn't hate you (admittedly, not love, but still good...) is a good sign. Just give her a bit of time to process all of it. I think in the meantime, just keep on being your regular self (as hard as that is if you're bummed). It just reinforces that to you it isn't a big deal, and hopefully she'll pick up on that. Otherwise, maybe just hang around your friends or brother for a while, anyone who's accepting who can lift your spirits a bit? Maybe you could even get her to talk with your friend's mom about how it really doesn't need to be a big deal... but she'd have to be game to do that.
Hi, I'm really sorry you're having such a difficult time with her. Maybe it would help to know that it is very, very common for parents to have this sort of reaction initially, and I'd go so far as to say it probably happens in a majority of cases. She's in shock. You've been dealing with this for a long time, and it's totally new to her. She's going through the stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) and is simultaneously dealing with denial and anger. It already sounds like she's coming to terms. Give it a few days, probably less... and I think you'll be really surprised how she'll come around.
I'm sorry you two are having a hard time with it, however, I do feel she's trying. The fact that she wanted to ask you some questions says that maybe she wants to talk to you about it, to learn about it. Don't worry things dont ever stay bad forever ^_^ It always gets better.
I can certainly relate to the bad experience, except mine was with my father rather than my mother. I do, however, echo what the above have said. Just give it time and see what happens. Additionally, I don't think it would hurt to give her the chance to continue asking questions. I know that it's easy to feel extremely deflated and unwelcome when 'coming out' hasn't gone the way you'd have hoped, but being open and honest with each other is a really good way to move beyond this uncomfortable stage and to start rebuilding the relationship and putting this incident behind you. It sounds like she's quite confused by it all, and because of that she's going to likely say stupid things (even next time she asks questions), but you also have to remember that you've had time to understand your feelings and realise that this is a part of who you are. She will also need some time too, and it would be in the best interests of you both not to get too caught up on any ignorant and misguided comments or questions she may ask you. That doesn't mean you can't pull her up on it, but you should use it as an opportunity to educate her on this rather than allowing it to feel like a personal attack (which I understand why it does). My dad said some pretty hateful things that went beyond how your mum reacted, and he continued to do so when asking questions about it over the following months. However, he seems to have actually taken those experiences on board and hasn't said anything offensive or upsetting for years now. Infact, he's even allowing my boyfriend to actually stay at my house, and speaks to him and allows him to visit whenever he wants. We never got to that point overnight, and there was a lot of hateful and upsetting things said on both sides, but by using those opportunities as a way to educate him on his prejudice and bigoted assumptions he's changed and is more accepting of me than ever. It sounds like your mum is a lot more open to that than my dad was, so if you use the opportunity to have an open and honest dialogue then there's no reason that she won't come round over time. Good luckski! Martin.
This. I would just try to act as normal as possible, and let her have her space for a few days. It sounds like she is just shocked, and still loves you.
I agree wit the others, give her some time to get used to the idea. It seems to me, but then I don't know your mother, that's she's in shock. It can take a heavy toll on parents to have their expectations of their children be different from reality. I hope my intuition is right and she's just needs to think it through. Hugs and support.(*hug*) Thomas
Doesn't sound like it went bad to me, she hugged you and said she doesn't hate you, it takes some people years to get that response out of a parent. Just fully explain to her about adoption and surogacy, ask her what it is she wanted to ask you the other night. Of course things will be awkward, my mum reacted good after a few hours of telling her yet I still couldn't look up from my plate, it's just awkwardness as you are feeling vulnerable from sharing a secret you've been keeping for 18 years, it's certaintly no easy thing to do. Communicate with her, ask her what's bothering her and reassure her you can still have a family and what not, if you get all that out the way I'm sure she won't mind in the slightest, she's still your mother and wouldn't want you to be driven away. All the best.
Going to add my voice to the "sit down, and have a Q&A time" crowd. Because... I don't things look bad here. She has expressed her shock, which is somewhat natural. She initially had only seconds to formulate a reaction. As gay people, many of us had the relative luxury of spreading our denial and doubts and confusion over years as we slowly realised our sexualities. Needing to process it in seconds is quite a lot for parents to bear, and often the first reaction is just shock. There really isn't a good way to be both shocked and perfectly accepting. Her coming around to actually wanting to ask questions about it shows an intent on her part to move past the shock and really understand. Some of the questions might show her ignorance, but answering them is a great way of dispelling that. Also, it will give her a perspective on how to change her image of your future Okay, you determine your own future, but for parents it is quite impossible not to imagine what their children's lives will be like. And being straight themselves, they usually can't quite understand how to imagine a happy gay life. This is also why it's probably easier for your friends or your friend's mom to be accepting: they don't have the huge amount of expectations that your mom has, so they have less internal resistance to overcome. It might seem awkward, but this is really a good sign. Especially conparing to experiences like Martin's, above. Or even to my own mom, who patently refuses to even acknowledge me being gay and just starts ignoring me whenever it comes up. Best advice I can think of is finding a moment where you're alone, take a deep breath, and tell her that you feel ready to answer any questions she has. It won't be the easiest conversation, but remind yourself that she wants to understand, and that it's the fastest road to getting her to completely become OK with it. (*hug*) This might seem tough, but things will be allright!
I'm really sorry for that, but I believe she only needs some more time to fully accept it and she will be fine with it eventually... Good luck!
Well, made progress today. I got a raise at work unexpectedly and 2 paid days off, so I was in a really good mood today. I walked in from work and told my mom about it, and we talked like normal. We then got on the topic of my dad and his new girlfriend and how he's changing all the stuff in the house, etc etc, and we just went on from there. In terms of us talking we seem to be back to normal. I'm waiting for her second attempt at asking questions. If she doesn't ask, I'll ask her if she wants to talk about it. Thanks for the responses everyone. I'll keep you updated on my progress.
