This is the story about me. I a 20 year old guy with a huge problem, im not sure if a am gay or not and it feels like a have ton of things to loose trying to figure that out. Bare with me. So, i grew up in a wealthy family, with a pretty well known father. He is the sort of guy that everyone wants to be friend with, and got like 5000 numbers to diffrent friends. Getting like 30 phonecalls per day just people wanting to talk to him cause his funny and cause his pulling many strings and all that. Basicly, i got myself a hell of a nice shadow, he is not dead tho. But anyway, i always had that with me that my father was very liked and i tried to be as good aswell. He is also the type of man like chuck norris, he doesnt do anything that comes close to smelling girlswork. My whole life i tried to live up to that, getting many friends, being crazy, doing retarded stuff. Having the cutest girlfriend, just basicly trying to be awesome. The problem is just that i think i am gay, i've had many girlfriends, but i never get any special feelings over them, i can say whatever i like to them. I also look good, so getting girls have never been a problem for me, cause i dont get any special feelings, i can say and do as i want. Only problem ive had is when it comes to the sex part, i dont enjoy it, or i dont think i do atleast, i never get super horny or any thing like that, i can have sex with girls, but its just not that special. And when im with guys i get this feeling, i want to impress them, i never want to impress a girl. And just guys can make me feel stupid and unliked and all that stuff. They make me feel helpless sometimes and i just want to be with them more so i make up good reasons of activities and all that stuff. Well all this has come to a point where i feel like shit, i dont have any real friends i can talk to, i have many friends and im known for it. To be an funny party guy, a fun guy to be around. But still, no real friends, the best friend i have is an old old girl friend who i really enjoy speaking to, but really not sexual or anything. still since she is an old girlfriends is not often i get the chance to talk to her or anything. So i just talk to my male friends and try to be funny and all that shit, but i dont enjoy it cause it feel fake. So were i stand today, is really messed up. I work hard and make lots of money, partying every weekend as a madman, being with my girlfriend who really likes me, i like her to but not in a real way. My idea now is to leave everything and travel to some other country for a year. "To become a bigger man" as i say to my mother, but the real reason is to try to find out what i am and what i really want to do with my life. Its no place for me here at home to figure that out. I really dont want to be gay, everyday is a struggle with my head.. NO URE NOT GAY, okokokok i am... NOOOOOOOO. I still dont really know what i am, maybe is the obsession i got, but i really got to figure it out cause its making me crazy. My life just feels like a lie atm. Can anyone tell me what i should do, and maybe tell me if they've had the same issue? Im living a life i like, but something just doesnt feel right. And just telling my friends or anyone is just not an option, its either doing what i do now, maybe lying to myself, everyone. Or to go to someother country and just live there for a year working on small jobs like a holiday worker to figure out what i really am. Please go ahead and tell me your been in the same position, with so huge things to live up to, and not knowing if your father will have you adobted (spelling).
It sounds like you need to spend some time differentiating between who you really are and who you are trying to be. And that isn't always easy. I spent years of my life assuming I was someone I wasn't, but when I finally took the time to unveil the truth, I felt much more comfortable in my own skin. But how can you do this? Here are some things to consider that may be able to help you crack the surface of who you really are. 1) The truth is not always convenient. But that does not make it any less true. Are you willing to accept some facts that may make you unhappy? At the very least, are you willing to be brutally honest with yourself? 2) No matter how hard you try to be someone else, you will always be you. Covering a wall with paint doesn't get rid of the wall. 3) If your every desire became reality, and nobody would judge you for it, then what would your reality look like? What if just you and one other person could exist in that reality? 4) Knowledge is power. Take some time to gather facts about what is troubling you and it will seem less daunting. The more you know, the more you can understand. 5) The problems in our head are rarely as horrible as we convince ourselves that they are. Even though it may seem that your orientation uncertainty may be threatening to mess up the future you have planned for yourself, it probably won't make as much of a difference as you would think. I hope this helped you even though I'm sure what I posted looks kind of strange. But anyway, remember that if you are ever feeling overwhelmed, all the people here at EC are on your side!
I completely understand your situation, you have many friends, but they are most likely after fame, fortunes or what ever. I get that the friendships feel fake, cause from their side it is and you pick-up on that. Being a rich kid like you isn't always easy, just like being a middle class kid or low income class kid isn't always easy. So there are really no-one you can talk to, cause which of those will run to the tabloids to sell some story and get a buck or two. It's disgusting, but it's unfortunately part of our society. You are right, getting out of there for a while at least will help you come to terms more quickly. You say you want to stay in another country, I would suggest a different continent. Maybe like Africa, I know several american kids ho stay in Namibia for like a year or two doing voluntary work. There are many places like that. But before you choose which place, I would suggest you research about the area, the dangers that are involved. I suggest Namibia, firstly cause it's a far safer country. You might get robbed, but you won't be raped or killed or anything like that. Plus, the American kids, they group up when they get here, become friends, travel together and so on. I think that's the best option cause chances are that no-one knows you are very high, so you can be yourself. That will also help that feeling that you feel fake and it will help you make real friends, real people who you can trust. I hope this helps in some way, and please I'm not telling you to go to Namibia only, there are many countries in Africa that is kinda safe, but before you choose, do a bit of research on the country, it's people and read abit of their newspapers to see what kind of crimes is thrive there. I would suggest you stay away from Nigeria and South Africa, people there abduct people and kill for no apparent reason at all.
