Hey y'all, I might end up posting here SEVERAL (sorry about caps) times.... This is not a race, it's a journey, a process. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do and also incredibly freeing at the same time.... Here's what started me on the road to coming out. Remember about 3 weeks ago, when some whacko right-wing so-called "Christian" (sarcasm) pastor was all over the TV saying things like "Crack that limp wrist" (e.g. beat your gay children) and "Make 'em act right" and all sorts of things? For someone who had been closeted for 37 years but growing increasingly disaffected with the ways of the world, that was a huge trigger. I went into the deepest, blackest depression I had ever been in, and that's saying a lot because I've been dx Major Depression since 1994 and more recently bipolar type 2, which means you spend more time in a depressed state. This particular bout of depression, though, was more intense than anything I've ever felt.... and I also felt physical pain on top of the emotional pain. On top of it all, my therapist was in the hospital and unavailable (although he did say to me when I told him about it that he would have talked to me, but I was unwilling to disturb him). Fortunately, the counselor at the rape crisis center who I'd been seeing specifically for being an adult survivor stepped in and took his place for me - she checked on me all weekend and kept calling and making sure I didn't need hospitalization. I will be grateful to her forever for doing that. But back to the story.... On Saturday, she told me over the phone to get up, get in the shower, eat something, and go to church on Sunday. I had to do what she said for fear of hospitalization, so I did.... and the most amazing part comes next. My pastor got up in front of the church Sunday morning and preached an entire sermon based upon the concept that it is not the church's job to reject gay and lesbian people, and that God loves them the same as he loves straight people. I don't even have the words to describe what an open, inviting, tolerant, loving and welcoming sermon it was.... when I walked out of the church it was like I was on a pink cloud. I firmly believe God spoke to my pastor and told him to preach that sermon. It was related to the gospel reading for that Sunday but he could have gone in one of a dozen different directions preaching on love. This is what ultimately gave me the courage to go ahead and come out. I will forever be indebted to my pastor. But you know what's ironic? I also owe a debt of gratitude to that horrible pastor who wants to beat gay children.... his hate speech gave me the push I needed towards opening the door. As I said, I'll probably be here several times.... this is kind of a messy and confusing process because it's so long coming. I'm not a good writer and I don't feel like I have adequate words to describe what I've been through and what I'm going through now.... but if I can help even one person by sharing the experience I've had, then it is not a futile endeavor. Thanks for reading y'all - I'm grateful to have a safe place to share.
Don't feel afraid to post here, we're all here to help each other. Also this is a wonderful thing to read. It's good to know there are religious groups and people out their willing to look at the world instead of mindlessly copying others. I feel for you that you had to stay closeted for so long and suffered depressions. Just know there's nothing wrong with you and you are a unique and wonderful individual. Anything that pops into your mind, feel free to post about it here or send a PM, as I said we're here for you and each other. Lot's of love and support.(*hug*) Thomas
