So it turns out, gay is no big thang!

So I grew some cherries and did it! I fucking did! *takes victory lap around coffee table*

Where to begin, if any of you read that "Coming out to your current girlfriend" thread, you know I just was a runaway train of anger and frustration at myself and the whole being gay thing. Like, I put a three foot hole in my apartment wall with a cabinet I ripped off the wall and hurled like a baseball... but that's later in the story.

Ok, so I decided, it's finally time and I joined this forum to get some strength. I posted, read pretty much every coming out story, and realized that I needed to do this already. My original plan was to just lurk around, figure it out, and maybe come out in a month or so but noooooooooooooo, I crazily made up my mind that I needed to do it now.

So, that brings me to last night (the 24th). I drove to my car over to my now ex-girlfriends place and I was going to tell her... or so I thought. I parked at her house, waited for her mom's bedroom light to turn off so I knew her mom was asleep, and I paced back and fourth, back and fourth. I walked around the block a few times and listened to "I Wanna Be Your Dog" by Iggy Pop on my Ipod like 80 times to psyche myself up. I finally texted her to let her know I was there about an hour after I got there. I was solemn and my face was slate. She knew something was up and asked "what's wrong?" I grunted softly and hugged her and kissed her. I held her for what felt like hours but it must have only been like 5 minutes. She patted my arm and said "ok, what is wrong, big guy?" Once again, I had an in but I didn't take it. I said "nuthin'" and we walked over to her room where we laid in bed together. I held her again, squeezing her so tight... we laid there, saying nothing. She ended up falling asleep in my arms and I just couldn't look at her. I was wide awake, tears in my eyes.

"How could you do this to her?" I asked myself, "you fucking monster! How could you hurt her like this?"

The mental drubbing I gave myself continued until midnight where I gently shook her awake and said I had to go. She once again tried to get through to me, but I shut her down and kissed her goodbye and walked out. From here, this is where things took a turn for the worse. I got in my car and it started off with me just screaming. Nothing intelligible, just screaming. My throat got sore but from there, I started to formulate words... and they weren't exactly positive words, I'll tell ya. Let's just say I'd rather not repeat them here... but I definitely called myself the "f-word" a few times, which just made me feel worse and worse and madder and madder. Basically, I was my own gay-basher. I was having a mini full-on meltdown. When I finally made it home, I flung my door open, ripped my front entryway cabinet off my wall that I keep my pens and crosswords in and flung it so hard at the nearest wall, it stuck like a knife. I instantly came here and made a post, literally about a minute after the "incident." I fumed a bit more and calmed myself. Finally, I went to sleep and didn't dream. I woke up tired, even though I slept for 10 hours.

The next day (today, the 25th), I decided I'd try again. I was meeting my girlfriend at the park for our weekly round of goofing about and playing disc golf, however, I was deadly serious that this was the day. I psyched myself up again, this time with The Slits cover of "I Heard it Through the Grapevine" and I was underway. After a game, we took a walk to identify some trees. I'm a total nature boy and an Eagle Scout, and she needed to be able to know this stuff so she could teach at the summer camp she's a counselor at this year, so I volunteered. It was here that I was going to make my move. After identifying a dogwood (which is easy piesy), sycamore, and a few elms I asked her to sit at a abandoned picnic table with me. This was it, I wasn't going to chicken out this time.

"Babe, there is something I need to tell you" *pause* "and I don't know how to-" *pause*

Here's where the tears started, there was no going back now...

"it's just, I love you... I FUCKING love you... and, I don't want to hurt you. I... just... I just don't know how to say it."

A long pause, we're holding hands across the table and I'm squeezing so hard, I'm sure her hand was numb by that point. I'm not making eye contact, just watching my tears hit the table with my head down like a scolded child.

"So, I guess I'll just say it, there is something about me that...I loved you... it's just that... like, you might hate me and that's ok. I don't.... I don't know how... but... like... I'm gay and I never meant to hurt you."

I looked her in the eyes, though my tears. She looked back, with those green eyes I loved so much.

"Why did you think I'd hate you?" she asked.

And the rest is gravy! She was totally ok! I mean, we held each other, and cried. She kissed me on the cheek and I returned the favor and we both said the same thing, "I have no regrets, we had a great time together."

And that was it! Like pulling a band-aid... except way more emotional.

We walked for an hour or more, identified more trees. and that was that. We've been texting each other all night, making jokes, just being friends.

Funniest thing she asked me was "who's your celebrity crush?"

Joseph Gordon Levitt, of course.... rawr :3

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B-B-B-B-B-BONUS STORY!

Decided I'd celebrate by coming out to my best friend at a local rock/punk concert we planned on going to tonight. Strapped on my skinny jeans, some Converse, threw on a black tee and suited up with my Dead Kennedys vest. I met him out in the parking lot and I told him this:

"Hey so me and [CENSORED] broke up today... but we're totally cool... and the reason is, like, I'm not sure how yo-"

"So you're gay?"

"Yep."

"Cool, lets put some beer in us."

And there was much celebratory moshing and crowd surfing that night! And when I was up on the crowd and felt a guys hand on my butt cheek... I knew that being ok with myself that I'm gay is going to be fucking awesome.

Oh, and I told his ex-girlfriend who was there too.

THIS FUCKING RULES!!!!!!!

Now I'm on the prowl for some good 'ol man lovin'.... :icon_cool

 

Oh crap! How could I forget Todd Glass? For those of you who aren't totally comedy nerds, Todd Glass is comedian that has been around for a while. This whole "I'm finally going to come out" ball started rolling thanks to him coming out for the first time publicly on Marc Maron's WTF! Podcast (an awesome comedy podcast... but I like Comedy Bang Bang better, just sayin') in January of this year. Look for that episode, it really touched me in a way that nothing else really has. It's the episode from 1/16/2012. Also, Todd Glass has his own podcast that's pretty hilarious too.

I even emailed him and he sent me a letter in return. He's an awesome dude! He's going to be putting together an episode of his podcast dealing with this very issue so be on the look out for that.

Oh and thanks for the congratulations! I'm so freaking happy right now, I can't sleep... even though I work a full day in... SIX HOURS!!!! ugh... must... stop... bragging... about... coming out...

This is like, the first time in years I've felt happy and honest and just, I don't even know! That's how freaking elated I am!!!!!

 

*hands a tissue*

Thank you so so so much! (*hug*)(*hug*)

I love everybody on here right now, but you're too cool for school!