Hi there, I really felt like I had to write this post, just to let my thoughts change into words, to tell others my story and maybe help me. It is a long one but as I said, I just felt like telling it... So yesterday I did the thing I never EVER expected me to do. I came out to one of my best friends, who I also love, although it was via the pc and not eye to eye. At first he thought I was joking, so he asked a few times if I was really serious about it. Then, after a I said I really was, he started to ask me all kind of questions. How long I knew for example, but then he asked me if I already like someone. At first I didn't want to tell him, and I felt like I rushed into things way to fast, but at the same time I just wanted to say everything I thought, so I said I liked him... Then after a couple of misunderstandings, in which I thought he said he liked me back, he said he was strait, and we stopped talking about the topic, although he once asked if I was going to tell it to other friends as well, which I replied with "If the timing is right, I will". I was really sad, especially becuase I thought for one second that I was importand for someone.. I slept really bad that night. Then the next day I felt so sick and everything, I couldn't barely eat a felt so empty and had no real goals to aim for. In the afternoon I had planned to go into the city with another friend and the friend I came out to, but I was about to say I couldn't, since I didn't dare to see him... Then I decided I had to go or else it would be even harder to see him etc.. So I went, and I was really tensed when I saw them waiting for me. As we walked to some shops he asked, in front of the other friend who don't knows it, if I wasn't joking about what I said. I said no but my other friend asked me multiple times if I wanted to tell him the story as well... I really felt I didn't want to so I didn't tell him. Then it happend that me and the friend who I told were alone. He asked if I was really not joking again, saying that he really didn't believe me since I ain't a gay like most people think they are (I like cars and all the other boy things). He also asked if I was sure I liked him and I said yes. We didn't speak about it for the rest of the day. Now I'm here behind my pc telling the story. I feel so sick, empty and I feel like I don't have a goal to aim for anymore. I thought that coming out would be like a weight falling of the shoulders, but the pressure is raised by 700%. What should I do, I really didn't expected that this would happen, and I'm just an emotional wreck at the moment... What should I do? I feel like I want to see him never again, scared to be confronted with the topic again. I also feel like I let myself down on being gay. I never had that problem with being gay before I told him, since I don't hate gays or anything, but now I just feel ashamed of myself... I just really don't know what to do or what I am living for anymore (sure I won't commit suicide, don't be afraid about that...). Please help me? :help: Sorry again for the long post
You're not feeling bad about coming out, you're feeling bad about your non-mutual feelings. Nothing left do but try and return your views of him to a friendship status, which takes times, space and something else to focus on. I would like to point out you are lucky to have a friend who didn't freak out about you telling him that. If I had a crush on one of my straight friends and told them they'd go absolutely nuts. Just a pointer here, no matter how lonely or vulnerable you're feeling, assume EVERYONE is straight until told otherwise. This will prevent you from falling for people who aren't capable of reciprocating the feelings. Also - You liking cars and "other boy things" is pretty demeaning. Gays aren't as the sterotypes suggest, the only reason people believe all gays are flamboyant is because they are the ones that stand out. You are surrounded by gays EVERY day, you just don't notice them, you notice the flamboyant ones and heyo, a sterotype is born. I would confront them on this to be honest because if we let people think like this then sterotypes are being perpetuated, which is not helpful to society. So... What do you do? You have one last confrontation with him by asking him to speak to him in private, when you two are alone you tell him while you have feelings for him, you know he cant reciprocate them and you hope that the two of you can still be friends without it being awkward, and ask for things to return to the way they were. Unless he is a complete douchebag (which it sounds like he isn't, at all) then he will gladly agree. While it will hurt to do the above, you have to fight through it and eventually you will move on and can look at him as nothing but a friend. All the best.
Hey, I'm really sorry you're feeling awful right now It was a super brave move of you though, and think about it- wouldn't you have had to tell him eventually? It's hard to repress those feelings, and you'll feel better later for it. Right now, give him a bit of time to get used to the idea. He might be feeling a bit awkward about it right now, but his initial reaction was not really that bad. If he was still hanging out with you, and actually did want to talk to you a little bit about it, then that seems like he's genuinely supportive of you even if he didn't say so outright. Why would you now be ashamed of yourself?? You didn't do anything wrong, and he didn't say anything hurtful either, from what you've said. But give yourself and himself some time to sort out thoughts, and emotions, and hopefully it'll all go well from there
You are probably right. I'm lucky to have a friend who accepts who I am, but still I have to feeling that it will be a very awkward conversation... I know that I can't make him being gay, so I just have to move on, how painfull it could be in the beginning.
I know, getting over straight crushes really suck...but I know that at first, my friends felt awkward bringing up the topic of me being gay because they were worried about me feeling uncomfortable. Eventually, if you let him know you're okay discussing it, you'll stop being so tense around him. Trust me, it'll all work out soon!
Anyone who doesn't accept who you are isn't your friend, what I was talking about is crushing on them. All my male friends have an attitude of "that's cool as long as it doesn't involve me."
Yea you are right. But yesterday it felt like there was some tension between us... Don't really know what it was... Will see if I can talk to him soon though, just to make some things clear I suppose...
Remember that your friend is going to have to go through the same 5 stages (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) that anyone else would. The fact he asked you a dozen times if you were joking is part of his denial. So it would be normal, in the anger phase, for him to pull back a little bit from you. When I came out to my best friend (the first person I came out to) he was ok with it at the moment, but he was a little weird and distant from me for a week or two afterwards. I knew that things were fine when, several weeks afterward, he started making jokingly insulting comments about my being gay (we'd always insulted each other about anything we could think of that wasn't a sensitive area) and I knew by his making the insulting comments that he was fine with it... and he was. I think you'll see something similar.
I hope so... But there is one question for me. It may sound a bit (really) odd, but as we are in the same soccer team, we shower together after games and trainings, should I do that now or shouldn't I?
Hi Koffing, honestly (For the latest question) the choice is all yours. Go with your gut feeling. If you have done it before and you knew about your sexual orientation during those times, then it shouldn't change anything, except for his new-found knowledge about your orientation. It shouldn't be a problem. I wish you the best of luck. -Matt
Best approach would be to ask him. Something like "Hey, i know nothing's different except that you know I'm gay, but I wanted to see if you'd be uncomfortable with us showering together after soccer practice. Nothing's any different for me than it was, but I just want to make sure I don't make you uncomfortable." It's a little awkward to say that, but he'll know you're concerned, and he'll probably be appreciative that you're taking the steps to make sure he's comfortable.
Hey that sucks about you feeling awful right now. I am sure straight crushes suck, I mean the girl I like is bi, but I never see her and she is way out of my league. But I am attempting to work up the courage to tell her that I like her because I feel like knowing she doesnt like me back, will help me to get over her. My best suggestion is just to talk to him and hopefully it will get better. He may be a little weird around you at first but I feel like it usually takes people a little bit before they realize that there is nothing different about you.
You might want to mention to him that, regardless of your liking him, he's your best friend, and the first person you've ever told your biggest secret. And that's way more important. It's completely natural, by the way, that you have feelings for him. He's your best friend, and you're attracted to him--those things are naturally going to combine together like this, especially if you aren't experienced at preventing it from happening. If he became best friends with a girl he thought was cute, he'd have feelings for her, too. So don't feel weird about that part.
I don't really feel weird about loving him, it just sucks he doesn't like me back the way I do. Well, I can't change him and force to be gay so won't spend to much time to it, although it still sucks... :icon_sad: Thanks for all the tips btw, will keep you updated if anything happens
OK, this weekend I came out to my mother. I had another emotional dip of what happend last week (although I really felt better and thought I was over it...) and she asked why I was so quiet and was starring all the time. She as being a mother, she wouldn't let me go untill I told her what was wrong... It took me 5 minutes to tell her the words. (I don't know why, but I just couldn't say it...) She said she will protect me whatever happens and to whoever I fall in love in. I am happy that she accepts it etc.., but I'm worried of what will happen next, you know..? I really ain't ready to talk about it to her even more detailled yet... Also I feel so confused and worried about the futur... I feel real tired and I just have to feeling that everything goes to fast. I wasn't planning on telling it to her in about a year or so, and now I came out to two people in one-and-a-half week... It just goes to fast for me to deal with... Any thoughts/help??:icon_sad:
And now my dad knows it as well... Happy that one of the biggest tests is out of the way now, but things are even going faster, while I just wanted to ease it down to overthink things.. Think I'm going to take a rest from coming out now, just going to see what will happen next... Still happy everybody accepts it (!)
Questions. Lots of questions. And, if your mother told him and you haven't actually talked to him yet, he probably wants to make sure that you know he loves you. Just answer his questions truthfully. He may still have a little denial as well, so some of the questions might be of the "are you really sure?" variety. Just say that yes, you are really sure. (More dancing bananas: (!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!)(!) )
