First realise/Denial

I clearly remembering realizing I might be gay in the Boy Scouts around age 14. At 13, a friend and me at a sleepover played a rousing game of "I'll show you mine if..." but that could have been just curiosity (I hear straight people so through similar experiences).

At 14, in the Boy Scouts, I fooled around in a tent on a camp out with another boy who turned out to be fah-laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaming gay later. Which, I feel so bad that I actually hated him after we... um, did stuff. I remember I laid in the crux of his arm and fell asleep with my head on his shoulder. I hated me and I hated him. Then came the dark times, a suicide attempt, closet, denial, denial, denial, denial, denial, GAY EXPLOSION OF FEELINGS, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand coming out... to make a 10 year long story short.

Oh my, over those ten years I tried so hard to explain my feelings away. Here let me list a few things I actually thought:

"Hmmm, I think gay porn turns me on because of the romantic element... I'm must be really really straight and love romance!!"

"If I switch over to straight porn at the last second, I'll turn straight."

"Ok, so I like men... but just for sex! Not for holding or kissing or taking out to dinner... or holding hands... or sharing experiences with... or... relationship... god dammit" *gets girlfriend to prove straightness*

"How gay can I be, I got it up for my girlfriend!!?!?!?!" *Proceeds to rarely climax during sex and just pretend for sake of relationship*

 

I think I first thought I might be gay at around 11, though in fairness not very seriously thought it. I was feeling some pretty strong regret and self loathing about some things I did with some guy friends (yes plural, no not at the same time). I felt really wrong about it and thought maybe I'm gay. I even talke to y dad about it and he asked if I liked guys and I quickly responded no. I wonder what would have happened if I had given it more thought back then.

Fastforward to a year ago and then I realized I do like guys emotionally, and that's when I started seriously questioning. You'd think the gay porn/checking out guys in locker rooms/fantasizing about guy friends in middle school would have been a clue but no, that was "just a phase" of course.

Anyway, as for the denial part I'm still in that, I think. Or I'm actually not gay and this has been some crazy ride for nothing. But I think I'm gay, maybe. Hell I'm pretty sure I'm not straight.

 

I think I actually started to realize that i liked girls at the end of the summer last year. When I was younger I think I had small crushes on girls but I feel like I thought that was normal and they werent that strong. But I didnt really like guys either, I would have a crush one like one guy for a year and then move on but they werent really anything big. When I would go out with one of my cousins who is my age she would always be like "ooh hes cute" and i would just sorta nod along. But if I saw a girl in my head I would be like "shes pretty".
For me also, most of my celebrity obsessions were with girls (I guess I have a thing for blondes) first Hilary Duff, then Ashley Tisdale and now Heather Morris, of course I am also like in love with Naya Rivera (but how could you not be?).
I have also become obsessed with Brittana fanfic, and I don't necessarily go looking for smut (its sorta like porn, its pretty much sex scenes) but one night I was reading a bunch of it and I was like "if I was questioning my sexuality before, I don't think I need to anymore. I'm gay." So for me that helped to realize that i was gay.
Probably up until like April did I fully accept that I am a lesbian, I mean I still have conflicting thoughts every now and then but I no longer think, this is just a phase.

 

I realised very early on in my childhood (5-6), but never really saw it as definitely being gay. I started to think I might be gay during high school (12-14) and I tried my best to make it go away, but obviously it didn't. I did the whole 'I might be bisexual' for a while and I probably was genuinely attracted to some girls, but that soon diminished.

It wasn't until I turned 17 that I really came to accept it, I now know that I am 100% gay and there's nothing I can do about it, whatsoever. All that's left for me to do now is to come out, which I myself am ready to do, but I don't think others are ready to hear it, so I'm holding back a little. I definitely want to come out before I turn 20 next year.

 

I first realized it when I was 12, the story of how I first knew is kind of dumb, I was b.s.ing with a kid in class and at one point he said "Oh yeah, well at least I'm not gay like you." and I thought "But I am" and right then the teacher walked in so we had to stop talking, which is lucky for me because I didn't have a come back. But the fact that I thought "But I am" was on my mind that entire day. Although I am a little sad to say that it took me until I was 20 to finally accept it.

I just hope it won't take another eight years to tell someone.

 

Game of truth or dare when I was 14. There was a guy I thought I liked involved, and he was dared to full on french kiss me. I figured "no way in hell." Since he didn't seem liked he'd be into that kinda thing at all. But he just grabbed me and did it. And it was nice, really nice. Really reallllly nice. Then I think it was obvious I liked boys at how hard I blushed.

I never really had any denial though, I figured it was what it was. Guys turned me on, girls didn't. I've never really gotten a hard time for it either.

 

It's hard to pinpoint exactly when i realised. I suppose by 16/17 but I think i suppressed the feelings for quite a while, so it's hard to remember. I definitely had a couple of years of denial, trying to convince myself I was actually straight. Even though i've accepted it now (as in i know i'm gay and that's not going to change, and i'm fine with that), i still have some difficulties actually dealing with it - although i think some of my issues aren't really to do with my sexuality at all, but that's a whole other story...

 

Thinking back, there's obvious hints of being gay from a young age, but my mind at the time wouldn't have comprehend the whole thing. I was kind of clingy with friends I was close to (all boys, any friends who I did have who were girls I didn't really get touchy with) and used to invade their personal space a lot of the time before I learnt how to avoid doing such things. Also the fact I kind of cried a lot back for really ridiculous reasons back then probably didn't help either and I never liked getting involved with P.E. either and what sports I had some fun in were more the girls' sports, like Netball and Rounders, which I barely played, but enjoyed a lot more in comparison to Football or Rugby.

The first time I probably thought about even being gay was at late twelve, approaching thirteen. A little bit beforehand, I was sure I would soon be into girls (even though they clearly weren't into me, probably because I was an ugly git), but at the same time they were too complicated to deal with for me. It was around that time I was "curious" to see what kissing another boy was like and sure enough I did it after a bit of manipulation. Still, it was rather bad of me too considering I was again invading someone else's personal space doing it and I felt extremely guilty for doing it afterwards for various reasons. This is my only experience of such a thing and even now, I still haven't had another experience.

I was confused from that point onwards, thinking about it fairly often through the whole of high school, but put myself into denial believing that one day I would still end up going for girls and hopefully end any thoughts relating to the same sex. By sixteen, I was getting more confident in my thoughts of the same sex and I was dreaming of them more and more in comparison to anything with girls (and now I don't even think about them that way really) and it really felt right and comfortable for some reason.

So I guess by sixteen, I knew I was gay, but I was still going under a confusing stage for the next one or two years afterwards, despite how obvious it was.

 

I first realized when I was about 12, so just over 4 years i'd say.
I didn't deny the feelings or anything as I just knew for sure, I kinda accepted it straight away

 

For me, no. I felt really awful after, like I had done something very wrong. Like, have any of you ever stolen anything (a candy bar, a soda, etc.) and it eats away at you for like a week or more? That's what having gay physical contact was like for me. Now, that's just me... I'm a little fucked in the head due to being in the closet, me thinks.

I've heard other stories where people who are open to the possibility of their sexuality are helped to determine their identity through exploring and experimenting with not just sex. Let's be clear, being gay or straight is not just about about sexy time. It's about relationships and love. Exploring a relationship is just as important to finding out who you are.