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The gist of my coming out...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Cheese Love, Jan 12, 2008.

  1. Cheese Love

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    Previously, my big idea was to run off to college and continue denying that I was gay until a few months ago. I even, unfortunately, considered conversion therapy... Bad, I know. It wasn't until October when I was trapped in a conversation with my friend that I couldn't get out of saying it. I've learned that it's near impossible to keep a secret like that, even if it's your own.

    I was *so* mortified. Basically, we went to a college fair together and my dream college was there. I'd been looking at it for a little while, was ecstatic when I saw the booth, where my mom later read the phamplet and was like, "What, all girls? That's some lesbian school."
    I was still in really big denial/self-hatred mode, so I realized I couldn't go there and have that be true for me. So, I was just telling my friend I didn't want to go there because we talk about college a lot. She kept asking why and wouldn't accept any of my bull-shit reasons, she even guessed about what my mom said and of course I kept saying no to everything. It was blatantly obvious that I didn't want to talk about it and she was getting really frusterated with me. Later that night, I tried to get it out by trying to say it in a blog entry on a site that only she and I use. She still didn't get it and we were on completely different pages. See, I thought she understood from my blog. I was still really mortified that I let myself get in this position, so I begged her not to hate me and promised I wouldn't hit on her and get all creepy on her. And then she goes, "Wait, are you saying you're a lesbian?" :confused:
    But, she was soooo cool about it. I regretted it for awhile, and even felt really sick the day right after. I was so wrapped up in hating myself that I was flabbergasted when she started talking to me like always at school on Monday as usual and texted me about tennis, which we used to play on Tuesdays. Just being treated normally kind of gave the okay in my head that things would turn out. But, I realized I couldn't tell one person and stop.

    A few weeks later, I told my good friend Megan. I was really surpsied that my first friend didn't already know, so I was even more stunned that my Megan, very conservitive, who goes to a private catholic high school and is a devout roman catholic, had me guessed out for awhile. The first thing she said after I finally spit it out was, "Oh." Which scared me a lot, and then she went, "Rachel, I've been waiting for you to come out of the closet for a really long time." Haha, I was noooot expecting that. She was also really okay with it.

    And then there's tonight. I swear, I thought this friend already knew. I remember being with her and my first friend at Perkins one year ago and her saying she used to think about a lesbian. I figured it would be safe to tell her now, maybe just to clarify. I don't see Kayla a lot, she went to my school up until last year and we worked together for awhile, but we still talk and hang out on occasion. The thing about Kayla is that she's sooo obsessed with boys, which is fine until she asks me about them. Previously, when a friend would say "He's so hot," I'd force myself to verbally agree, but I made myself promise I'd stop lying about it. So I try to shrug it off, be polite and glance in their direction, or just stare at the table. So, we were hanging out at Perkins,w hich we tend to do a lot. Then she goes, "So Rachel... Any boys?" Naturally I said no, and figured it was as good a moment as any... "So.. Do...Do you remember the time she said I thought I was..I was a .. Lesbian?" It took her a moment to register and she looks at me and I kind of gave her a "Yeeeeah.." look and she goes, "You are?!" I think I surprised her a little bit, it turns out she didn't know so it kind of left her saying "... That's cool." She actually said that a lot, but she really was cool about it. She asked some of the normal questions, how do you know (..which is hard to answer), are you sure, how long have you known, etc...

    The first time I came out, I regretted it for weeks. After telling my friend Megan, maybe one week, and Kayla... A few hours to count? I don't really feel better about myself, there's still a lot of self-loathing to work through, but my whole outlook on life has gotten so much better through these
    experiences.
    I really only have two really good friend, one of them being my best friend, and one sister to tell and then I think I can stop worrying.

    Haha, sorry that's so long, guys.. I kinda just needed to get it out of my head and tell someone!
     
  2. Jinx

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    i understand the needing to get it out. Good for you! I'm glad that you're accepting yourself. It feels so great when you do. It took me 23 years to do it. I'm glad it didn't take you that long. (*hug*)
     
  3. biisme

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    i'm so happy that your friend was fine with it. i hope the rest go well too!!

    (*hug*)
     
  4. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

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    Congratulations on successful "coming outs" so far. I think things are going to continue to feel better to you.