Married, Gay - coming out seems impossible

No prob! I'm going through something similar right now, though I definitely haven't navigated as far into life as you have. But I'm listening intently, especially to your advice about being true to who you are and what you like. Thanks for speaking out, and I bet that some of the older guys here will have some great advice to give you. All that I can say is that I would guess that most of your friends/family will be more sympathetic to your situation than you seem to expect. Be a little selfish and do this for yourself! Just try to do it in a way that respects everyone else.

I'd definitely say this is the first step toward something positive, so keep your chin up and continue to be a caring person!

 

I think this is a story that many of us here can find familiar, coming out at a much later point in our lives. I especially like the part that I bolded, but your post was really good especially for someone so new to this.

I'm sure we'll be here to listen and to help, but if you want my unsolicited advice, being true to yourself with everyone who is important to you is the only way to be truly happy

 

This was written beautifully!(&&&)

 

hi maxx good luck to you but i had a question for you. i think there's always that story or post on here about a situation where you liked this guy and then you find out he has a girlfriend or he gets married and you think "ok, i guess he was straight after all" even though you see signs of flirting and in some ways you're hoping he was gay. sure most of the poeple are straight but i have always wondered what goes through the minds of the guy that is gay, does like you, is masculine, and you think he's flriting but then he ends up having a girlfriends, gets married, has children..etc. it makes you think that maybe you were delusional or just wishful thinking. i am sure that maybe you had crushes on guys when you were with your wife or with your girlfriend at the time. was there anything a guy could have done to make you be honest about how you felt about him? do you have any advice for people that are in situations where they really like someone and all signs point to them being liked back by the guy but that guy is "straight" because he has a girlfriend or moves on with a wife? any advice on the best way that you would have liked to be approached or talked to by a guy that may have been interested in your during the time when you weren't married but obviously deep in teh closet?

 

Dear Max,

I can empathise with you in a big way! Aged 34, I have come out to myself in the last year, and have asked similar questions to those in your post. How did I get to this point? Why have I not found the courage to accept myself earlier? I am still working on freeing myself from the guilt and shame of not coming out earlier. BUT I am starting to accept that for whatever reason, I had no choice but to deny my feelings, just I like now I feel I have no choice about coming out. For me that time has come.

You have taken a big step by posting here. You will know if/when it feels right to step forward some more. I find it so helpful and reassuring to read other people's stories. I can't believe how absolutely alone I was with my feelings for so many years, and now I learn that actually I am not alone. For me things are changing all the time. Only this weekend, I came out for the first time to my best friend. What is really helping me is to try to understand why I have needed to deny my feelings. For me, I think it happened because my adolescence was spent in a very turbulent household where my emotional needs were not met and I did not develop the ability to be kind to myself by being true to my feelings. I did not feel 'safe' enough and the best I could do at the time was to suppress these very scary feelings. It was nothing to do with tolerance or close-mindedness because I believe that when the time comes for me to tell them, my family will be accepting and supportive, but because at the time when I was growing up, there was too much else going on.

For me there is a lot more to explore, but it is helping me to forgive myself, which I hope will lead to full acceptance, and later, to pride.

I got to the stage a few months ago where I knew I would not be able to move forward any further by myself. I finally started therapy where I am able to look at my whole character and being. It is early days but I think it is working. Progress is being made anyway. There are some great videos on youtube about coming out. The "It gets better" campaign I find inspiring.

Like you I am so full of respect for those who manage to come out in their teens or early twenties at least. As for coming out at 49? I really think so what? What would you like for yourself at 59? 79? It is not too late. But take as long as you need, you will know when is the right time to take steps.

I only signed up on Friday, so am also very new here!

Take Care,

Ruthy

 

thanks maxmillian, this really helps and confirms a lot of things i was thinking about people that have been in your position. i like the "i know you're not gay but...." approach. it's kinda like "i know this is a longshot but hey you miss 100 percent of the baskets you never shoot at, so im going to go out on a limb and say...."

thanks so much.

 

Hi, Max. Well, I started having same sex feelings about three years ago....no, I started acknowledging my same sex attractions about three years ago (big difference, there!). I've struggled with the thought that I'm gay and began seeing a therapist a year ago. I planned on divorcing my husband because while I love him and we're good friends, there really was no marriage. Anyway, I was crazy afraid of him and one night, after we had already began discussing getting a divorce, I let it slip out that I wasn't attracted to guys sexually. He took it really well and I think he was much relieved that our lack of sex wasn't his fault.

I've been living separately now for three weeks and our divorce will be final at the end of July. I still miss him and feel the loss of his company, but know I did the right thing because I really can't be a wife to him. I can't fulfill his sexual needs at all.

Unlike you I don't have any experience with women and have now gotten to this strange place where I'm suddenly feeling a lot of internal homophobia. I feel sick, disgusting, and perverted for my same sex attractions. Where I once felt ready to embrace a gay lifestyle now I feel embarrassed by it. Right now I feel lost and confused about my sexuality but my gut reaction is that all this apprehension is me feeling guilty about not being able to be a "good wife" to my husband. I know that he still loves me and I feel guilty that I won't be there to take care of him the rest of his life. I blame my sexuality for destroying my marriage and that's why I'm pushing it aside right now.

Of course, all that is really crazy thinking and I have nothing to be ashamed of. Right now I am not in a good place but I am hopeful that with time and my therapist's help that I'll get over this bullshit and that eventually both me and my husband will be grateful that I was finally honest about who I am. I am hoping the same for you, as well.

 

isnt san fran the gay mecca for gays. you should have a plethora of resources

 

Dear Frustrated,

Ending your relationship is massive. You will be experiencing grief and it is no wonder you are not in a good place. Try to be as kind as you can to yourself. It sounds like you are taking really positive action, by posting here for example, and seeing your therapist. I was in a ten year relationship with a man that ended nearly four years ago. It was only after 3 years that I was able to face my true feelings, so full respect for the progress you have made so far.

I understand the internal homophobia, and am definitely still dealing with this. I am starting to see signs of progress though and gradually becoming more comfortable with myself. So, through a combination of patience, time by taking positive action, it is possible to find pride. I am not there yet.

Keep posting! It is so helpful to me to know that I am not alone...

Ruthy

 

Maxx, welcome to EC and the start of your new journey! I came out this past winter after a 35 year marriage and 3 kids! I'm not going to recount everything here. If you want to read about my process over the past few months, please read my threads.

Besides welcoming you, I just want to encourage you to find a counselor who can help you learn about yourself and how to take your next steps.

I lived many, many years in fear of the consequences of becoming authentic. Even though it's been difficult, I have to say my visions of what people's reactions would be - anger, disgust, and rejection - were in 95% of the cases not what their actual reactions were - understanding, empathy, and hugs. The other 5% are my ex in-laws so I can accept their current lack of understanding. Hopefully when my ex meets a man who can be the husband she deserves, they'll come around too.

Set yourself free!

 

Hi Max. Welcome to EC. It sounds like you have accepted that you are gay. That is the most important step. There is no time limit to coming out. I came out when I was in my late 30's. Like you I was afraid that I was coming out too late. The more I came out to people the less of an issue it became. One of the most important pieces of advice I got was that come out when you are comfortable and coming out is not a race. As far as feeling bad or guilty about not coming out sooner, try to let it go. When I was coming to terms with my sexuality, I felt the same way and to some extent it held me back a bit.

As far as you wife, you may want to seek some counseling for yourself and for both of you and your wife. I was never married but other members who were and experimented have said they wish they did not and advise not to or stop if you have because it adds another layer to coming out and feeling of betrayal to your wife.

You may want to stick around for a bit, read other's posts and threads. There are a number of older members on EC, and knowing you are not alone is a big help.

 

Hi Maxx,

Another newbie here in much the same position and mental agony. You're not alone.

I first thought this was some kind of mid-life crises manifestation - pull yourself together and get over it! But the feelings of general unease, dissatisfaction and loneliness even, just keep getting stronger.

I also have a lovely wife and cant cope with the thought of hurting her - total turmoil and no clear idea what to do.

Like you too, I cant believe how stupid and down right cowardly I was in my twenties in not exploring the gay side of me properly. I did almost come out back then, but a well meaning friend and my family pushed me back in. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Best wishes and good luck for your journey. Life is kinda crazy isn't it?

Tom