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My online best friend knew I was crushing on her!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Annora, Jun 18, 2012.

  1. Annora

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    Hello everyone

    I just joined this forum today. My name is Annora and I'm 35 years old. Here is my story:

    I have been married (to a man) for six years, and in my own head, considered myself 'straight.' We don't have any children. We are currently going through problems in our marriage (he is emotionally immature, angry and controlling; I'm emotionally dependent and have problems with sexual desire). After months of counseling, I finally feel like things are beginning to turn around for the better. I still love him and want to try and make our marriage work.

    However, throughout these dark days of my marital problems, I met my online best friend, a woman. We connected instantly, emotionally and mentally. I LONGED to talk with her every chance I could. We live 12 hours apart in different states, so we haven't yet met in person. She is happily married to a man and considers herself straight. She knows about my marriage problems.

    I should add here that, in the past, throughout my childhood--I always had these intense crushes on older, unavailable women. These crushes felt exactly the same way as 'falling in love' does to me. I never knew why 'regular' friendship never seemed sufficient: I did have problems making friends (was very shy) and I always longed for someone to just completely 'get' me and understand me. I longed for exclusivity and intensity. These feelings followed me through my college years, but I never admitted them to the objects of my crushes and gradually, all of these crushes must have sensed my intensity, and so they pushed me away and broke my heart in the process.

    So, I gave up on that, called it 'childish' and moved on to establish relationships with men. When my husband and I fell in love, it was heady and giddy and excitiing--but not in the same, emotionally-intense way my 'friendships' with women had been. Soon after our marriage, my husband I started having problems. I longed to be understood.

    This new online best friend seemed to 'get' me in that way I had always longed for: We were intellectual and emotional equals and it was so gratifying. We became closer and closer. Soon, our correspondences almost sounded like lovers talking: We called each other things like 'my love' and 'my girl' and said, "I love you" repeatedly. She said that, apart from her husband, she has never felt a stronger connection with anyone else than she has with me. (I also confided in her about my past feelings for women).

    As our friendship deepened, she told me she had a crush on another online (girl) friend (a mutual online acquatience of us both). I watched with growing despair and jealousy as she turned her considerable talents for flirting onto this girl (who is a lesbian, I might add), and tried to stifle my feelings whenever my friend would confide about this crush to me in a buddy-buddy sort of way. This sort of feeling for any girl was totally new to my friend; she'd never much fantasized about women before. Occasionally, my friend would sense my jealousy and say, 'You don't need to worry; this girl is just all fun for me; she's not in the category of 'best' friend like you are.' What I really wanted to say was: 'But I also want to be the 'best' friend you can shamelessly flirth with!' Of course, I kept quiet, realizing how ridiculous that notion sounded in my own head.

    In the middle of all this, I finally acknowledged to myself my crush on my friend, and finally called myself 'bisexual' for the first time in my own mind. This scared me and also was a great relief to me. I didn't know what to do with these feelings, however.

    Well, apparently my bestie knew what to do, and the way things happened remains both a relief and also a bit embarrassing to me. It all came to a head online last night:

    We were discussing writing and books (a shared passion) and character development. It just so happens we are both reading a book where the two supernatural (male) characters have an intense, slightly homoerotic friendship similar to ours. My friend read my analysis of these characters and wondered at my tendency to 'sexualize' their behavior, almost unconscously. She wondered at the reality of the fan board we are a part of, which is all women. She said, 'I think this is all providing you a way to continue to question your sexuality in an intellectual way.'

    Then, she said, 'There is nothing that has to change if you admit you're bisexual. You don't have to redefine your relationships with men and women. Just don't deny that the feelings exist and are there. All that denial just adds extra, unecessary stress.'

    Then, the bombshell: 'I would have to be blind and an idiot not to realize that you have had a crush on me for a very long time.'

    (!!!!)

    So, I admitted it, and said I was frightened and embarrassed to do so. She 'hugged' me and told me I 'wore it on my sleeve' and that she was shocked that I thought she hadn't known. She said she had read between the lines and discovered my jealousy with her crush on her other online friend. I told her that I hadn't wanted to say anything for fear it would ruin our friendship. She said, "It really doesn't bother me; your denial of your own feelings is what bothers me. If the crush itself had bothered me, I would have left a long time ago.'

    She then proceeded to point out a number of other times she had figured out what I was thinking by the smoke and mirrors I put up. When I continued to express my fear that it could have ended our friendship, she insisted it wouldn't have and added, 'Breathe easy, finally, my friend.' As we signed off for the night, she said, 'Good night my love, and sleep really well tonight, ok?' I assured her that I probably would sleep better than I had in years.

    Of course, now, it's morning, and I'm still wondering if all of this really happened last night. It seems so surreal to me, still. Now that my feelings are 'out there' and my friend knows she is the focus of them --and apparently knew all along -- what do I do? I don't just want to be all, 'I'm so crushing on you right now!' --I just feel so awkward. There is a power imbalance here: She has the power. I know there is no chance of anything coming of my feelings, either, at least where she is concerned. Maybe now that it isn't a secret to either of us, the crush will fade but the friendship will remain. I can only hope.

    So, that's my story. I feel like I'm in such unchartered territory here. I've read stories of bisexual/lesbian friends telling their straight friends their feelings, where the straight friends have no idea and are shocked, or two friends that *both* admit to having feelings for each other and pursuing a relationship, but I haven't read much of what I'm describing: Where the straight friend pulls the repressed bi friend 'out of the closet' and says, 'Not only did I know you liked me, I'm ok with it (even if I don't feel the same way).'
    This is so weird. Any thoughts or advice would be welcome.
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey im not sure I have any amazing words of wisdom, but I can welcome you to EC. I think for the moment just taking your time and coming to terms with the fact you are bisexual would be good, just let yourself enjoy it. You might find that your crush lessens now that it is out in the open, only time will tell.
     
  3. idsm

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    I don´t really know how I got to find such an old topic, but I´m glad I did.

    This is really sweet. I just wish I had a friend like that, even if she didn´t love me in the way I´d wish her to.

    Annora, if by any chance you´re still here, please let us know how your friendship with this girl is going. :slight_smile: