My Father and I

I was just in our 3rd acquaintance party a few minutes ago before I created this post. There was this part of the event where everyone was allowed to do their own thing and I chose to be alone for a sec contemplating on some things.

I have been feeling very bad about this issue with my crush being either gay or straight. Some says he's straight. Others would tell he's gay. Being in love with him blah blah made me very much confused on where to stand and make a decision. At the middle of the time I had this feeling, I texted my father that I'd like to go home to tell them something about my recent performance at school, which I personally thought as something bad.

And this was the conversation (It's a bit lengthy; please pardon me):

Me: "Papa, I think I'll go home tomorrow over there. I just wanted to discuss some things with Mama and you."

Him: "Don't you have class tomorrow? Just tell me what is it."

Me: "It's about my performance in school. I can't focus very well because I'm having a very hard time with my problems right now. It's about my lovelife."

Him: "What about it? If it's about having a girlfriend or a secret relationship, your mother and I don't mind."

Me: "It's not that. It's just that, let's say, I'm having love issues with a boy."

(great pause before reply)

Him: "What are you thinking? Are you gay? Son, try to think of only girls. Focus yourself only to girls. That's just being emotional."

Me: "It's not that. I really am like this. I've been like this for the past 3 years."

Him: "That doesn't sound right, son. You're a man. You should only fall in love with girls, not with your fellow men. Try to change that."

Me: "You can't really tell me what to do. I really am like this."

Him: "Son, if you're really gay, then I won't let you study anymore. Stop thinking of getting interest to boys and focus your feelings to girls only."

Me: "Papa, I really am like this. There's no changing that."

Him: "So, you like boys, that's it? Maybe you're just thinking like that because you haven't tasted a girl yet. The next time I go there, I'll make you go taste one."

Me: "There's no need. I just really am like this. That's that. And besides, I'm not gay. I'm, let's say, "bisexual". I fall in love with both boys and girls."

Him: "Son, that's not a very good sign. I want you to just focus on girls. Don't think of boys anymore."

Me: "Papa, I'm like this already. Don't you get it? I like both boys and girls."

Him: "I don't like to hear that. I want you to focus on girls; listen to me. If you really plan on liking boys then you better stop studying."

Me: "Don't be like that. I'm not that kind of boy you think to like kissing boys a lot or likes having sex with them or what elses. I still am a guy deep inside. There's still a part of me that likes girls. There just happens to be a part of me too that likes boys."

Him: "I like girls only. If its about boys, it's disgusting."

Me: "Papa, you don't need to put yourself in my position. You like girls and I'm like this. That's that. You really don't need to continue comparing the difference between us. You're like that and I'm like this."

Him: "Still, I don't want you to be like that. Maybe it's the environment or influence."

Me: "No matter what you say, I'm still like this. You know me. You know, even if I'm like this, I try to be as responsible as I can be for Shane and Mary [my sisters]. I try not to indulge in vices, drink or get low grades. I don't even do gimmicks. Even if I kiss with a girl or have sex with her, nothing changes. I'm still like this."

(no reply)

Me: "Papa, even if you won't treat me as your son anymore, even if you loathe me or something, it's fine by me. If you or our family would be ridiculed because of me, let them face me and I'll do what I can, Just let me finish my studies for my two sisters."

(no other replies until now)

I think it did not went so well but at least, I've made a stand of my position. There's now one less people to come out to. And the worst is even yet to come...

 

I do see it that way too, Gen. By taste girls, that means to do the "thingy". (I said already too much nasty words above; I just can't say one more.)

Btw, I'm living at a dorm which is obviously far away from home. I can only go home once a month due to budget shortages and, well, the distance. 250+ kilometers in 5 hours ...