I wanted to share with everyone that I came out of the closet 6 years ago...kinda..well, I was young enough that all it took to go back into the closet was write it off as just "a phase". When I was about 16, I lived with my aunt and her two kids(18 and 20 years old at the time). well back then I didn't know much about being all secret-like on the computer and they found out I was watching a lot of gay porn and similar stuff. Those years were probably the worst in my life. I was so depressed all the time because I couldn't understand why I was gay. WHY MEEEE??! Anyway, we all went to the beach like we did every summer. I was always a loner back then and tried to hide. I always felt like everyone was suspicious and all my actions could be interpreted as "queer". My two cousins and I went out one night to the store and my cousins had two of their friends in the vehicle as well. I was the youngest out of the bunch and always felt intimidated around all the older kids. Anyways, we are going down the road and my cousin from the front seat just asks casually if I am gay. I was schocked and didn't know what to say. I definitely didn't want to EVER talk about it, especially with two people I didn't even know as well! I didn't really say anything and then she mentioned all the gay porn on the computer. Now I wanted to just bail out of the car and get the hell away from there. At this point everyone was looking at me expecting an answer. I eventually said: Me: "yeah, I guess...I mean, after looking at the same kind of porn for a long time, I got bored with it" Her: "Well why didn't you tell us? that's not exactly fair!" Me:" Because I knew y'all would judge me!" Her:" We don't judge you for that, we judge you for not telling us." I don't remember really what was said after that, I think I just kind of clammed up. But I remember being so mad about her comment! "we judged you for not telling us". Seriously?! how could she not understand me not wanting to tell a bunch of people that make fun of gay people all the time, that I'm gay?! grrr. After that night, I refused to talk anymore and decided to leave that place at once because I knew everyone knew what I had done. Knew my twisted desires. Knew how messed up I was. At least that's how I viewed it then. I moved out at the first chance I got and moved in with my dad. I decided to not chance him and my stepmom finding out, so I only looked at straight porn whenever I masturbated so there wouldn't be any evidence, plus i figured if i didn't look at it anymore, I could get better....which didn't work. It just made it harder, looking at straight porn. I started doing drugs soon after all that stuff went down, and until about 2 months ago, I haven't really openly confronted my feelings. I am so glad I was able to get clean and finally start to acknowledge my sexuality, my outlook on life and my overall attitude has gotten so much better. Thanks for letting me share!
Out of curiosity, what caused you to be so horrified about your sexuality? Were you raised to think being gay was bad, or was it just outward societal pressure?
I was raised to believe it was bad, yes. The little town I grew up in has no openly gay people at all. To be more precise, I was actually in denial after that stuff happened, until the last few months. I'm acknowledging that I am gay and have told a couple people. I am definitely not out yet, but a lot further then I was then
When I came out to my parents we did not talk about it for almost a year and the whole time I thought they did not accept it. The truth was they were waiting for me to talk about it and they did accept it they just wanted me to come to them. We still don't talk about it much but knowing that they do accept me is all I need.
hey dano, I believe my aunt and cousins on that side will not be surprised when I tell them. I would consider telling them soon, but I know my damn cousin, she can't keep her mouth shut for anything, so If I did come out to them, it would reach everyone else too!
