One thing I've noticed is that since I've come out (at the ripe age of 49!) I've become quite a bit more emotional - both sad as well as happy. I find myself tearing up at more things on TV, etc. and sometimes while I'm just walking down the street I'm overwhelmed with emotion - and the closest label I have for it is joy - triggered by the strangest of things. While I was watching the Olympic Opening Ceremony I kept on feeling waves of emotion. I've always been a pretty analytical, low-key guy - I wonder if suppressing my true self all those years deadened my emotions over time - creating a harder shell. I feel like a new part of me is awakening - one that can feel life more fully... I never realized how damaging staying in the closet all these years has been to my psyche... It's all pretty cool. Maxx
Maxx: You already know my thoughts! I've been emotional since I came out, too. (Did I come out because I'm emotional or am I emotional because I came out? I don't know.) But I agree, having some emotions pour out after being boxed in by convention feels pretty good. I love ya', buddy! Tracker
Being closeted, in denial, or both, absolutely necessitates numbing. In order to "fit in" requires projecting an inauthentic self. That, in turn, creates a lot of shame. And to cope with the shame, we have to numb our emotions. Since emotional numbing isn't selective, *all* of our emotions become numb. When we start the coming out process, we're directly antidoting the shame. We're practicing authenticity, and making ourselves vulnerable. And vulnerability isn't possible without reducing/eliminating the numbing. Which, in turn, means that suddenly we can feel. For some of us, it may be the first time in years or decades that we've really allowed ourselves to feel, at least in any sort of deep way. So yes, as you come out, as you walk into the fear and face it, and allow yourself to be vulnerable, you also allow a level of openness and authenticity that provides for a much, much richer way of experiencing the world. As you said, not all of it are what we think of as "good" or "positive" emotions; anger and fear and grief very commonly come up, particularly in the early stages. But so does joy... and that's where we are when we're in our peak experiences of wholeheartedness. I hope that wasn't too "dry" or intellectual, but the more I understand how these pieces fit together, the more I realize how important it is to actively work on these things every day. All of us, particularly those of us who are LGBT, have baggage, and the more we open to it, the better and more wholeheartedly we can live and enjoy life
Wow that was a great way to describe this emotion Chip. I've also experienced similar stuff to Maxx after coming out and a lot of that makes sense now Good to know your feeling this joy maxx!!
I've always been emotional so I wouldn't say that I've become MORE emotional since I came out. What I have noticed is that I am more outspoken about things which I don't like. Before I came out, I probably wouldn't have commented if someone said something unpleasant. These days I would probably say "DO you realize how offensive what you just said is?" Of course, I probably would say that to a gang of potential homo-bashers if I were in a dark alley, but in public places, I no longer sit back and listen. The emotion I let loose now that I didn't let loose before is probably anger.:eek:
Maxx, I've already chimed in on this elsewhere. I know exactly what you mean because I've gone through it too. It's an awakening after a life-long sleep! All I want to add here is: Chip, you're my hero!
I'm not out, but I will say that as soon as I began hiding who I was from the people around me that I've become a lot more subdued and generally apathetic to things. Loads of my friends have told me that I seem 'quiet' a lot of the time, and I haven't cried or felt particularly happy since I started questioning my sexuality. When me and my friends went to go and see the new Batman movie, they were both crying their eyes out and I didn't even sniffle, which was a bit weird. Chip's explanation seems to make a lot of sense, particularly to me anyways
Chip, your explanation makes total sense! Brown's research on shame, authenticity, vulnerability, etc. is really inspirational (as well as groundbreaking). Thank you again so much for pointing me at her! Her work, along with your explanations and mapping that into LGBT context, has been pivotal to my progress - and is much appreciated. You and Brown should collaborate on an LGBT version of her work! (*hug*) Maxx