Mutual Exchange and a Sense of Relief

[AspieXLDS]

First, some background: I've always noticed that I've had an attraction to other guys as well as girls, but I never found the confidence to speak to girls/women on a romantic level and as such have never been on a date. Meanwhile, I've always been comfortable talking to other guys and I think I had an unknowing crush on a friend who died last year, as it took almost the entirety of the last year to get over it whereas I got over the death of my grandmother in a matter of weeks.

Anyways, so I was talking to my sister the other weekend, because she's what's called a "New Order Mormon", people who pick and choose the doctrines and teachings they'll follow from the LDS (Mormon) Church. I, meanwhile, have chosen to leave the Church altogether due to disagreements over doctrine and their antics in California a few years ago. Anyone with a brain can.... sorry, that's a rant for another thread. I'm sure it'll eventually be brought up.

Anyways, so there we are talking about things, and suddenly she asks me if she can say something, and that I won't tell our parents, who are very strongly LDS and wouldn't be able to accept this type of thing. I agree, of course, and she informs me that one of my nieces (one of her daughters) is a lesbian, though she calls herself bi as a way of trying to appear more neutral. I can't tell you the ache I felt when I heard that, that a member of my family couldn't even be herself because she was afraid of society's views on those who like their own sex.

But on the other hand, I felt relief and confessed my deep, dark secret to my sister. I told her how I'd been unlocking my memories, my pure, unbiased memories (something I love being able to do with a near-photographic/eidetic memory), and realizing that while I had a token interest in women (and a few crushes along the way), I had noticed other guys just as much; I didn't mention it was moreso. In fact, the better part of my teenage years, I noticed more guys than I did girls, and while it has slowed the past couple of years, that's only because I live in a strongly hetero-sexual community.

My sister told me that she was amazed, that she would have never guessed I was also LGBT. I told her that thanks to our father's antics over the years (he was quite abusive when I was younger) I learned very quickly how to act and how to appear in order to avoid further conflicts by him discovering. IN short, I told my sister I'm one heck of an actor, but the ability to continue to put forth that act as I have for the past 20some years has begun to put a great deal of strain on me. I allowed her to tell my brother (if she judged him able to handle it), and I've been pleasantly surprised to find out he's as open-minded as she is.

My mother, on the other hand, laughed off the idea when I suggested it last year, even though I knew it was true. So I was once again forced to put the act up; but I'm getting tired of wearing masks. I hope by joining the local PFLAG group I'll be able to re-establish that mask for as much time as I need.

So, that's my story. My brother and sister know and don't care and love me just the same as if I were het, my mother thinks it was a joke, and my father would consider me an aberration if he were to know the truth.

[karl178]

Hi, nice story, I am really glad that you got a chance to share this with your sister and that your brother also knows. And so now you know that your niece is bi/lesbian maybe this will give you the opportunity to discuss it with her, might be helpful for both of you if you can help her along her path of working through what it all means.
On the other hand, sorry to hear about your parents, it reminds me of an aunt of mine who is 70 years old and was a nun for several years. I have not thought about coming out to her anytime all that soon, but I would certainly feel a bit uncertain about the response. Then again, parents are closer family members so its a bit different.
Anyway, I personally think this is all a step forward, hope it has made you feel overall a bit better. Do you have any plans to come out to your parents in the future? (not a leading question)

[AspieXLDS]

Originally Posted by karl178

Hi, nice story, I am really glad that you got a chance to share this with your sister and that your brother also knows. And so now you know that your niece is bi/lesbian maybe this will give you the opportunity to discuss it with her, might be helpful for both of you if you can help her along her path of working through what it all means.
On the other hand, sorry to hear about your parents, it reminds me of an aunt of mine who is 70 years old and was a nun for several years. I have not thought about coming out to her anytime all that soon, but I would certainly feel a bit uncertain about the response. Then again, parents are closer family members so its a bit different.
Anyway, I personally think this is all a step forward, hope it has made you feel overall a bit better. Do you have any plans to come out to your parents in the future? (not a leading question)

Well, the way I see it, my mom's not long for this world and she shouldn't be 'burdened', for lack of a better term, with this knowledge. While she's a supporter of equal rights, she has recently begun to be very vocal about the LDS Church's truthfulness, including all of its doctrines and such. This would include the doctrine regarding how the only true family is with a man as husband, a woman as wife, and children. I want her to pass peacefully and not fretfully. For the same reason I'm not telling her about my decision to leave the Church.

As for my father, well, if he finds out from someone, he finds out. But I'm just hoping I've moved in with A: someone from the local PFLAG group (either as part of a relationship or as a strictly platonic flatmate), or B: be in some kind of subsidized housing. In essence, on my own and out from under his tyrannical nature. The man may not be physically abusive anymore, but he loves to rant about things he knows will affect me. He rants about useless people draining the government dry on welfare while I'm in earshot, though he says he doesn't mean me and he may not; and I know if he knew, he would either outright say I'm disgusting or shoot barbs at me throughout dinner conversation until I snapped and went after him, either verbally or physically.

I've been thinking about talking with my niece, if my sister thinks its a good idea. I actually realized from a thread I read earlier I may be out and out gay and not bi; I mean, I notice women who are physically attractive, but I just end up talking with them about regular things, and can't seem to see them as romantic partners. But I've had a few times where I've pictured a faceless male in my imagination with whom I engage in more romantic activities (although sex has yet to factor since, as I've said in a previous post, my upbringing has made me a bit scared of any kind of sexual activity with a man or a woman).

[Bobbgooduk]

Aspie - thank you for sharing this. You write beautifully (please take that as a compliment) and I think you have handled your "coming out" to your sister and brother sensitively and extremely well.

If I were you, I think I'd be tempted to talk to your niece too - it would be nice to have a kindred spirit in the family.

I also think you're right to avoid as much strife within your family as possible. If your mother isn't well, then she doesn't need the stress of having your father ranting on and it won't help you either.

Moving out is the best option, and I think the idea of sharing with someone is a great idea, not least because you would have a common line of understanding, understand where each of you is coming from AND you'd have the opportunity to discuss things openly ans in the comfort of YOUR own home.

I really wish you all the best in your future moves. I only wish I'd been so sensitive and careful in how I managed things when I was younger and coming out.

[jammy5000]

you did well comming out i havent come out yet only to my best friend

[AspieXLDS]

Originally Posted by jammy5000

you did well comming out i havent come out yet only to my best friend

Only reason I felt comfortable coming out to my sister was because of my niece. If I hadn't known that, I'd've kept quiet....I think. My sister's always been more open-minded, and our brother has become more like her as time goes on. At one time, I was a bit closed-minded, but I remember when I was in high school, there were GSAs popping up and my friends were going on about how that wasn't anything good. I recall saying something like that once, but then letting them lead the discussion because I was a proponent of equality even then....

Coming out, regardless of who its to, is always stressful, but there's a sense of relief that comes with it as well, I think. I believe the phrase "the darkest hour is just before the dawn" is apt here. For a lot of us, I think just before we come out is probably one of the darkest periods in our lives, followed by whatever the initial reaction to our coming out is. I think the dawn, for many, is finding a community with similar situations, such as Empty Closets or PFLAG. I'll be attending my first PFLAG meeting this Thursday, and I'm definitely nervous but also looking forward to it in a way.

---------- Post added 31st Jul 2012 at 09:00 AM ----------

Originally Posted by Bobbgooduk

Aspie - thank you for sharing this. You write beautifully (please take that as a compliment) and I think you have handled your "coming out" to your sister and brother sensitively and extremely well.

If I were you, I think I'd be tempted to talk to your niece too - it would be nice to have a kindred spirit in the family.

I also think you're right to avoid as much strife within your family as possible. If your mother isn't well, then she doesn't need the stress of having your father ranting on and it won't help you either.

Moving out is the best option, and I think the idea of sharing with someone is a great idea, not least because you would have a common line of understanding, understand where each of you is coming from AND you'd have the opportunity to discuss things openly ans in the comfort of YOUR own home.

I really wish you all the best in your future moves. I only wish I'd been so sensitive and careful in how I managed things when I was younger and coming out.

Thanks for the compliment about my writing; I get it from family, but its nice hearing from someone else, too...