Coming out twice, or how to waste 12 years of your life...

Temujin · Jan 21, 2008

I just found this site last week while searching for coming out letters to read for inspiration. Thank God for the internet.

I thought I would share with you my coming out letter to my parents. It's different because I first told my parents 12 years ago, but, as you may guess from the title, it didn't go all that well. Matters were made worse because they essentially outed me after discovering some, shall we say, gay-related paraphernalia. I just wasn't ready to tell them when I did. Besides a few heated arguments about my "condition" we just never talked about it much. Since graduating and establishing myself in the private sector, it just hasn't been mentioned at all.

I have always feared failure and feared failing my parents the most. Clearly they did not approve of the news I delivered when I was 20 and, like some of you, I felt rejected and even more confused. For the next decade I spiraled out of control inwardly while outwardly maintaining happy lies and advancing my career to a comfortable salary. Somewhere along the way I believe my parents started thinking I may be "cured" because, you know, gay people can't be successful, apparently.

I pretty much pissed away my 20's publicly avoiding anything gay-related while secretly compiling an archive of gay porn that makes the Library of Congress look like a quaint grocery store book stand. Somewhere along the way I learned that financial stability does not buy happiness. I suddenly found myself alone in an emperor-has-no-clothes moment and in that brief instant I resolved to yet again flip my life upside down.

Over the last couple weeks i've been writing a second coming out letter to my parents. In it I wanted to say all the things I was never given a chance to before amid all of my mom's ranting about Christian Conversion Therapy (my dad never said much, oddly). This is the letter I sent via FedEx today. While I believe it to be very personal, I feel like if I don't tell someone - anyone - i'm going to break down into a quivering mass of flesh and tears.

Dear Mom and Dad,

First, let me say that I love you both very, very much. Secondly, I realize you both have a lot going on at the moment, but I need to share some thoughts with you about myself. They are about me being gay. This letter was very difficult for me to write and nearly every word was paid for with a tear. I have been writing it in my head for years, but only recently did I decide to put it on paper. I regret that I lacked the will to deliver this message to you in person, but by scribing my feelings to paper I hope I can better explain, with greater purity and passion, all the things I have wanted to tell you for so many years. If either of you feel cheated or angry because I did not deliver it in person, I am so, so sorry because that most certainly is not my intention.

Accepting myself as gay has been a long, difficult journey and you will probably never know the emotional depths to which I have fallen at times, but, through it all, I have gained an inner strength and resolve few people will ever know. I even have moments of happiness; they are fleeting but yet so very precious to me. I know perfect happiness will forever be out of my reach – that is human nature – but unless I lay bare my soul and share with you my deepest feelings, happiness will forever be a wistful memory.

It has been over a decade since I first told you that I am gay. You have no idea how many times I have laid awake at night wishing I could take back that moment. Not because of what I said or how I said it but because of the circumstances leading up to it. I paid dearly for it in the months that followed wishing and wanting everything to just go away, too afraid I would lose you and too proud to accept the truth. There were even times I considered taking my own life and if not for my uncertainty about what might happen beyond that, I probably would have. But I survived and time passed; I let things go unsaid and somewhere along the way I think we disconnected. Sometimes I feel like i'm sacrificing part my happiness for yours, avoiding talking to you about something that brings you so much pain, but not discussing the obvious has taken a heavy toll on me. I so desperately want to tell you how lonely I am sometimes and how difficult it can be for me to cope but fear of where that conversation might go has stopped me short every time.

The reality is I am uncertain about how you feel about my sexuality, and I would like to know. After I told you I am gay we never talked about it much. Is it something that you would rather not talk about but have accepted? Have you not accepted it and don’t want to talk about it? Is it simply out of sight, out of mind? I don’t know, and the fear and pain of not knowing is, I feel, causing us to drift apart or me from you, more specifically. I realize I am probably risking a lot to ask for your true feelings, but I hope you understand that it is something I need to know.

The remainder of this letter is things I have wanted to tell you for years now. Some you already know, others I’ve never shared with you.

I cannot stress to you enough that my being gay is not your fault. I did not choose to be gay nor was I “converted” by anyone you once knew. I have spent the better part of my life searching for someone or something to blame. In all honesty and with unwavering sincerity, I can say that you, two people for whom I have the utmost admiration and love, were never considered suspects. I have decided that there are no demons from which I can exact justice. For, you see, seeking justice implies that someone or something has committed a wrong, but after many years of introspection I have surrendered to the inexorable truth: There is no wrong, there is only me.

I need you to understand that I did not choose this. We can no more choose our sexuality than you can choose for the sun to rise in the west and set in the east. We can wish for it but wishing, for me, has never changed the inevitable: we are the sons and daughters of nature and woe to any living thing that dares trifle with her design. I tried and paid dearly for it both socially and physically. The only thing I have yet to try is taking my own life, and I am just not willing to do that.

This is not to say that I don’t have regrets the most sincere of which is I feel as though I have robbed of your fulfillment as parents. There is no way for either of you to fathom the extreme despair and shame I have subjected myself to for not being able to fulfill your desire for grandchildren and a loving daughter-in-law. I can’t help but feel that I have failed you. You did so well raising me to believe that I can do anything. That’s why I have not talked about this for so long because I believed deep down that I could change it, but I can’t and I’m no longer going to sacrifice my happiness and my future trying to force myself to accept anything other than what was simply meant to be. It is the one thing I cannot change, and that is how I have ultimately failed you. I’ve tried to make you proud every other way I know how, and I hope you can find some solace in that. I'm a successful, altruistic, and productive member of society with parents who would do anything for each other and more for their children. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

I’m not sure where you are in your relationship with God, but I did want to touch briefly on mine. I have struggled with this – still do – and I am not exaggerating when I say that I am angry with the fundamentalist mentality that has hijacked what should be a very personal relationship with our creator. I just wanted you to know that God and I have an understanding and it turns out that He is not so judgmental after all. There are so many questions that remain unanswered, but through my trials I have realized that He is not an answer, He is a way; a way of understanding that transcends our questions and reveals our individual paths to enlightenment. I have found my path, and though I may lose sight of it during times of inner darkness or blind despair, I always manage to cross it again.

I’m so afraid of losing you because you’re all I’ve really ever had – this is a huge risk for me. Please understand that I am not trying to hurt you, rather, I want to try to bring you into a part of my life that you may only now be realizing you have been missing from. This is by no means an easy task, and I am ready to be patient. There is so much else to say, so much that I will have to leave for later. But I want you to remember, Mom and Dad, that I’m the same person today that I was yesterday – I still love history, I still want to enjoy being with you and the family, I still can’t balance my damn checkbook to save my life – only now you know a little bit more about me. And we now have before us a tremendous opportunity to become closer than we ever have, a chance to share all my hopes and aspirations for my life – to pursue happiness together. I still love you and will always love you just the same, and I hope that you can continue loving, teaching, and encouraging me as you always have.

I will understand if you don’t want to talk for a while, but when you do, I’ll be here whether by phone, letter, or email. Really, I want to be there for you, to help you through this, just as I hope you will be there for me.

Mom, Dad, I will always, always love you.

Your son

PS: I wanted to share this poem with you– some call it a prayer. Perhaps it will help you as much as it has helped me.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Click to expand...

I think my primary motive for sharing this is so that others do not make the same mistake I did. Don't let yourself be dragged out of the closet before you are ready. It should be a decision that YOU make not one that others make for you. And, above all, once you are ready and do come out, be proud of who you are. Don't let our twisted societies have their way with your soul, debasing you into mainstream submission (i'm looking at you, Moral Majority). Free yourself for a freer tomorrow.

I have 2-3 days before my parents receive the letter and, despite my rhetoric, i'm quite frankly trembling with anticipation. It's not so much what they are going to say but how they say it if they say anything at all; either way, i've already made my decision.

No day butoday · Jan 21, 2008

This obviously had a lot of thought put into it. I'm very impressed. Let us know how they respond, and remember we're all here for you!

Paul_UK · Jan 21, 2008

Thank you for sharing that with us, and welcome to EC.

Please let us know how they respond. I came out to my parents by letter - once only fortunately - and know that the wait for the reply is the most difficult part.

beckyg · Jan 21, 2008

Well all I can say is WOW! What a letter! I hope that your parents have learned enough about sexual orientation in the 12 years that have passed to know that you did not choose to be gay and they can now embrace you and love you as you are. Thank you so much for sharing that!!

Psychedelic Bookmarks · Jan 21, 2008

Yes, wow. you have been struggling with this before my parents even met :O thank you for posting, well done, and good luck!

biisme · Jan 21, 2008

i hope for the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and welcome to EC!

Nodnarb · Jan 21, 2008

First, Welcome!

Second, that was a great letter. I think it does a great job of explaining your thoughts to your parents.

Third, I hope it all goes well and keep us updated!

Emile · Jan 21, 2008

Oh my god WOW!, what a great letter!:O
Thanks for sharing it with us, and welcome to EC!

Astaroth · Jan 21, 2008

You've reduced me to tears. I went through the exact same thing eight years ago. When I was seventeen, my mother confronted me about the subject. However, I have even more regret because I said that I wasn't gay. I sold out. So now, it's taken eight years to get back to the point that I was at before that happened. Those are eight years of my life I'll never get back either. So, I fervently hope that you know that at least someone else knows exactly what you're going through. Thank you for posting this letter. It says exactly what I (and I'm sure many others here) am going through or have gone through in the past. In fact, we'll probably hear from our parents within a day or two of each other. :lol: I'm going to sit down with mine on Friday and fix the biggest mistake of my life. So, I sincerely hope that your letter will open their minds! Again, thank you. I feel validated, and that's such a rare thing.

Sam · Jan 21, 2008

Wow I'm speechless! What a great letter I wish I could have written a letter like that! I came out to my parents by letter at seperate times so I had to write 2 letters one for my mom and one for my dad and after reading yours, I can say that mine were nothing compared to your letter.

Welcome to EC and tell us how it goes.

Rizpaz · Jan 21, 2008

:eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap :eusa_clap

Amazing letter. I salute you.
Welcome to EC!

Brett · Jan 21, 2008

That was so deep, and sincere. I can't even think of how to describe how I feel right now. I hope your parents appreciate that letter and YOU as much as they should. Please tell us how everything works out.

P.S. That poem at the end is one of my absolute favorites.

otc877 · Jan 22, 2008

Firstly, welcome to EC.

Secondly, awesome letter! Extremely well-written, well-developed and sincere.
I have to say that these lines gave me the chills:

Sometimes I feel like i'm sacrificing part my happiness for yours
Click to expand...

For, you see, seeking justice implies that someone or something has committed a wrong, but after many years of introspection I have surrendered to the inexorable truth: There is no wrong, there is only me.
Click to expand...

I am curious to know how long this took you to write, and your parents response to it.

Take care, and I hope everything works out for the best.

pirateninja · Jan 22, 2008

First of all, welcome to EC. And thank you for the advice you have given us! I hope everything goes well, please tell us how they respond!

GlindaRose · Jan 22, 2008

Welcome to EC! That letter was awesome; I could never write anything like that. It was like, sooo deep. And I just love the poem, it's my fave.

Grof142007 · Jan 22, 2008

Welcome to EC Love the Letter very moving

Temujin · Jan 22, 2008

Thank you all for the positive responses and encouragement. Rest assured I will let you know how they respond.

Astaroth said: ↑

It says exactly what I (and I'm sure many others here) am going through or have gone through in the past. In fact, we'll probably hear from our parents within a day or two of each other. :lol: I'm going to sit down with mine on Friday and fix the biggest mistake of my life. So, I sincerely hope that your letter will open their minds! Again, thank you. I feel validated, and that's such a rare thing.
Click to expand...

I hope everything goes well. I drew substantial inspiration from other documented coming out experiences so that's why I wanted to share my letter with this community. We're all in this together and if I can be an inspiration to others then I, too, feel validated.

otc877 said: ↑

I am curious to know how long this took you to write, and your parents response to it.
Click to expand...

I worked on it off and on for almost two weeks, probably 10-12 hours altogether. The final draft is much different than my first attempt. I kept everything so close for so long that all the hate and anger I feel for society in general - not so much my parents - came through way too strong. I really had to struggle not to sound judgmental or presumptuous, that was definitely the hardest part. I think most of us try to justify our feelings, but I just wanted to capture them on paper - a snapshot of a soul - and, as I realized during the process of writing this letter, that is not something easily done.

That's probably a bigger answer than you wanted. I tend to over analyze. :icon_wink

Jim1454 · Jan 22, 2008

That's a truly remarkable letter. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. I'm glad that you found inspiration here in EC - as I think many of us do every time we come here. I certainly hope you'll keep us informed as to how your parents react.

Welcome to EC. Now that you have accepted yourself, there will still be a period of getting used to it - and this site will be great for that too.

s5m1 · Jan 22, 2008

I am extremely moved by your letter. Thank you for sharing it with us. You have so eloquently put into words what many of us have felt for years. Best of luck to you and wlecome to EC.

ccdd · Jan 22, 2008

I am very glad that you are now in a position to send them this letter - although obviously sad about the long length of time and turning in circles that preceded it. I really hope that they take it well, and even if they don't, I hope that you feel better about yourself and in yourself for finally being able to be honest with them, and also, importantly, to yourself. The way in which you are now confronting this after so much hardship is really inspiring, and I'm really glad you shared it with us - although obviously upset about what you've had to go through. But I hope that all goes well, and also welcome to EC!

Coming out twice, or how to waste 12 years of your life...

Temujin
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Coming out twice, or how to waste 12 years of your life...

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