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Heart break, love letters, and closure [My story]

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by prism, Aug 2, 2012.

  1. prism

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    I am so grateful for this forum and all of your stories. When I joined, I did not think I would ever come out, but now I think I may come out to my family and friends sometime this year. Thank you all so much. Since your stories and experiences have helped me, I thought I would post part of my own.

    It was my second semester of university. On the first day of chemistry, I walked into the classroom and saw the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. The type of girl who could get any guy she wanted, and the type of beautiful that tells you she's straight. A few days later, I sat down in the only available seat in class, which happened to be next to her. She asked me to see my book and told me she had seen me in another class. When class was over, she asked for my number. I don’t remember how it happened, but at some point when she was sitting and I was standing, I looked down and saw her face looking up at mine. My heart raced as time slowed. I was in love.

    We became friends over the next few months. Eventually, not a day passed where we didn't talk. There are always those little hints that make you wonder if someone likes you, but I never said anything. At the end of the semester, she seemed more nervous than usual, and told me that she was nervous about asking me something. I told her to just tell me, and she asked me out. It all became too real, and I panicked. I wasn't out to anyone, and I didn't really give her a response.

    I asked her out online on the last day of class (I know asking online sucks, I'm just a coward). At first she said "yes," and asked me if it meant she was a lesbian. A few minutes later, she changed her mind and said she didn't want to be a "lesbo." It tore me apart. I was angry, and told her to tell me she didn't feel the same way. She said exactly that, and we didn't talk for a few months.

    We tried to be friends, but I couldn't do it. A year and a half passed, and she got a boyfriend and pretended like nothing had happened between us. For a number of reasons, I transferred to a much better university 800 miles away. I thought time and distance would help me move on, and it did for a while. A few months into the semester at my new school, I randomly started thinking about her again. We had not spoken for months, but all of these old feelings started rushing back. It was so strange. Even stranger, she sent me a text the very next day to see how I was doing. Why did she text me? Did she feel something too, or could it have been just a coincidence? I was so sure we were meant to be together. We were two people connected on the deepest levels.

    I knew it wasn't healthy. I knew that even if she felt the same way, she was too afraid to change her mind. I told her not to contact me again. I deleted her number, unfriended her on Facebook, and removed her from my life.

    Now here I am. It has been two and a half years since I met her and I'm still in love. I figured, "what the hell?" I'll tell her. I put all of my feelings in a letter and sent it a few days ago, including the phrase "_____, I've been in love with you since the day we met." I was overcome with a numb feeling. I almost thought that I had fallen out of love with her the moment I sent the letter.

    Her response? What I expected: a tastefully put together string of lies and denial. She denied ever asking me out, and said that I over-analyzed the situation and saw something that wasn't there. How can you misinterpret "Will you go out with me?" and "I want you"?

    Sometimes you can do everything right and still have everything go wrong. I'm proud of myself; I made my grand proclamation of love. I'm still heartbroken, but I finally feel like I have closure. I said my piece and now I can really start to move on.

    It takes a lot of courage to tell someone you love them. I think it's especially hard for gays and lesbians, because often we are coming out at the same time. How have you expressed these feelings and how were they received?
     
    #1 prism, Aug 2, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2012
  2. Chrissouth53

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    The first step is always the hardest, and the first fall always hurts the most. Everything from this point on will be a little easier and a little less painful.