My story

[Checkered]

I don't know why I'm even posting here. I don't normally care much for forums. But I stumbled across the website and after reading so many stories I just thought I'd share mine too. I need to get it off my chest because I don't know what to do anymore. It's going to be long.

Almost two years ago I had been a huge wreck of stress because I had realized that I was gay. I had never really thought about it before, but when I did I just couldn't quite accept it. I was driving myself crazy because I didn't know what it all had meant. Next thing I knew I was talking to one of my friends, (we'll call her Clare) on the phone. I had just wanted to distract myself. But she knew something was wrong pretty soon. When she finally asked what was wrong I couldn't talk but she waited almost ten minutes until I finally got it out. "I think I'm gay" and I just about cried. She told me she was surprised, that she never would have guessed but was great though and we stayed up almost all night talking about it. She really helped me come to terms with it. I came out and it was ok.

A few months later I really thought I was ok with myself. But I had made another huge discovery. I was in love with my best friend (we'll call him Peter). We had been friends since kindergarten, we did everything together, we had played hockey together our whole lives, we were always getting into trouble. He had always been there for me. And I had loved him for a long time, I had just never recognized it as that. I was terrified to tell him though. I didn't want to ruin that, not in a million years. But it hurt to much to lie to him.

So one day we were just hanging out and we decided to make a fort like we used to when we were little in his living room. We ended up playing video games in there most of the day acting like little kids again. The fort ended up crashing down and we just sat there laughing. He had a great laugh. I stayed for the night and we just sat up all night talking. We were being pretty open and things seemed to be so great that I got caught up in the moment and I told him. I just kind of blurted it out after saying I had to tell him something. He didn't really say much, he just said "it doesn't change things". But it did and we went to sleep after that.

For a week we barely talked. We had never gone that long without hanging out. Even when we had chicken pox we were together seeing how long we could go without scratching. I felt like crap and spent every minute regretting telling him.

Anyways, one day just after that initial week of telling him he showed up at my house so we sat on my porch and talked. He told me he was sorry for not calling sooner. He told me he was sorry for being such an idiot about it. And then he told me that he hadn't talked to me because he had been scared. It turns out he had begun to think he was gay too and my coming out had fast forwarded how he felt about himself. To be honest as much as I had hoped; I never thought he was gay. Turns out he had thought the same of me. We surprised each other, probably too worried about what the other would think. Then he told me that he loved me too.
I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it. We both agreed not to tell anyone just yet, we both needed time to think. We kissed too. It was unbelievable. I've kissed a couple of girls before and it felt nothing like that.

About an hour after he left I got a phone call from his parents. His Dad told me that he had been hit by a car coming home from my house. That he was dead.

I don't know if I will tell anyone else. I haven't told my parents yet and while I want people to understand why I am hurting so much I don't want them to know. I haven't talked to 'Clare' in ages, she has since moved away. I do my best to act normal now. The rest of our friends have moved on for the most part and I just can't. I don't know if this is alright to post here, I don't go on forums much. I just needed to get it out. So thanks for reading.

[stumble along]

I'm really sorry to hear that, its good that youve found an outlet to get that off your chest, no one should have to go through what you have gone through.
However, as much as you don't want to tell them, its probably a big reason why you are suffering. Hopefully you'll get enough advice and support on here to make that jump when the time is right.
People here are pretty nice I'm sure youll fit right in.

And again, sorry for your loss, I couldnt imagine what it must feel like.

[Bobbgooduk]

Sorry to hear all this. In very different circumstances, I lost a dear friend too - the first man I ver loved - and it hit me very hard at the time and I'm still angry today as he died because of a homophobic attack.

What happened to Peter could have happened any time to any one. It's a curse of our modern lives that thousands are killed in road accidents every year.

Those statistics mean nothing until it affects someone we know, and in your case, someone you cared deeply about.

All I can say is that Peter came to you and accepted you as his friend, despite what you had revealed to him. He made the effort to come and re-affirm his love for you as his friend since kindergarten, no matter what.

You cannot get your friend back, but you can make sure that the love he had for you as his gay friend and his visit to you to tell you he didn't care, that they COUNT for something. Make him proud of you, and do soemthing FOR him which you think he would appreciate.

Did he support a charity, did he have a passion in life, or even just make the very best of your life that you can. Show him you care that he was your friend and that his acceptance of you will make the world of difference to your life, even though he is not there with you any more.

It's hard when you're grieving, but sometimes it is possible to rescue something good from what looks like the ashes of our life.

[Lance]

Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear that. It made me tear up a little bit seeing that he died shortly after that great revelation(sad stuff like that gets to me easily). Maybe this would be a good time to come out to your parents if you think they won't have a problem with it? You could really use the extra support.

[BornAnew]

This is just so sad. Really sorry to hear that this happened. I can't even imagine what this must feel like. I'm not sure how your parents view homosexuality but yeah maybe you could come out to them now as you need support more than anything else right now. I agree with bobgooduk too in that rescuing something good from this would be a nice way to go on. It may not lessen the pain but it could add positivity to your memory of him.

[Checkered]

Thank you all for your kind words. It really means a lot. I'm sorry I never checked back sooner.

I think I'm ready to tell my parents. They've never said anything homophobic and they're usually pretty open. But I guess it could change when it's their own kid. But I want to settle something else before I out myself to them.

Peter and I promised we wouldn't tell anyone until we were both ready. He died before he was ready. I feel like telling them is breaking that promise. And his parents, though nice people, aren't exactly the most open minded on homosexuality. If they find out I'm gay or worse yet if they knew Peter was gay, wouldn't that ruin their memory of him? Or is it worse that they only think they know who he is?

[Dummy]

You can just tell them how much you loved him. It's all they have to know. I'm really sorry. It hurts just reading this. I can not even imagine how you're feeling.

[jsmurf]

Im actually crying reading this... dont know what to say.. :/