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coming out as what?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by kdalaryd, Aug 11, 2012.

  1. kdalaryd

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    Hi everyone,

    this is my story. for what its worth.

    I grew up with my sister, mother, aunt and grandma. My father had left us when I was 4. I was exposed to a lot of female magazines and girly stuff and wondered for the longest time why I wasnt gay. Maybe I was. But more than that, being a boy in a female dominated household I could never express my sexuality. Sexuality and emotions was no topic of our conversations. I dont remember being attracted to guys more than girls and I was always ashamed to show any emotions - in particular when my mother found a love letter to a girl of my class in highschool. I was a very very late bloomer and always felt intimitated by taking showers with guys of my age (14-15) who already grew pubes. I didnt reach puberty until 17 I think. But there was a girl I remember I fancied but was much too insecure and shy to talk to. I masturbated fantasizing to girls only and though I found some males attractive I never thought of them in a sexual way. I met a few girls (on holidays for example) and had short relationships but my first sexual encounter was a terrible experience. She had hepatitis c and for months I feared she had infected me. She did not.
    At military service I was made fun of because I was the only guy who didnt have to shave. I was feeling very low, I didnt know how to be a man and acted prententiously manly, it must have been ridiculous. When i came to university I met this beautiful girl who I slowly fell in love with. I was terribly excited when we first spoke. She had a boyfriend and I waited for more than a year for my chance would come. I took it and it was the most incredible time of my life. Still, I suffered from low self-esteem and she wasnt attracted to a guy who was not manly enough and left me. My world fell apart and I fell into a deep depression, contemplating suicide (I had already picked the house from which to jump). I thought I could never be happy again and had to leave town in order to be sure not to see her again. I started to take anti-depressants, was in therapy and left the country. At the same time I met an incredible girl who I was attracted to but could not express myself, I always had my first love in the back of my head. Nothing happened and I often regretted it. But soon I realised that I simply could not speak to the girls who interested me and at around 25 I met a guy who I immediately related to, he became a very very good friend. And I didnt realise that I fell in love with him. I knew he was bisexual which I thought of as 'cool'. Surely I wasnt gay, I felt no sexual attraction whatsoever towards men. Or maybe I did? When I realised my feelings for him I played unapproachable and denied my feelings. me gay?...noooooo!
    Also I always knew that my mother would not like the idea of having a gay son and my father who I got to know a bit better during my time at uni suspected that I was gay and dissapproved. I dont talk to him any longer but thats a different story.
    When I decided to stop taking anti-depressants I realised that I checked out guys and felt so sick of it and of myself. At that stage I had internalised a good dose of homophobia. I took them again in the hope that this would stop and met a girl who I related to well on an intellectual level - but I didnt feel the love I knew I was capable of feeling. Anyway, we started a relationship whereby in the back of my mind I always knew that this wasnt really it. I was in a relationship for the latter's sake, not for her. I felt fake and again decided to stop taking the drugs and broke up with her. Now I almost exclusively but secretly check out guys and slowly learn to cope with it. I occasionally am attracted to girls but think that I cannot be in a love realtionship with them. to be sure, I never had any sexual realtionship with a guy but really feel the need for male love and bonding on a more than friendly level. Also I feel very different around guys now, nervous and I have to stop myself from touching and kissing them. Girls still attract me sexually but not emotionally.
    I told my sister that I was gay and two of my best friends, one gay himself and the other straight. They are all fine with it and dont really think it is a big issue. true, it shouldnt be. I told others that I was bisexual which makes me feel better. but when I go out I feel little attraction to girls/much more to guys. I could hug and maybe kiss every third guy I see. I m pretty sure that I m gay for I do not have this feeling for girls-they seem more like sisters to me, some of which I d like to have sex with:wink: I m back on anti-depressants now and in therapy but want to stop with the former once the time is ripe.
    I m excited wHere this journey is going to take me... I domiss my last ex girlfriend and get jealous when seeing her talking to other men... but know that it is rather triggered by feelings of guilt (I thrashed her heart:frowning2: than real love. After all, I wasnt really in love when we were together. I just enjoyed her company. I m sick of myself for having done that.

    Today I feel like Bart Simpson writing 100 times 'I am gay' on a blackboard. I find it hard to believe. I just know it. I think...

    Merci for listening!
     
  2. Bobbgooduk

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    Hello and welcome :smilewave

    Being gay does not mean you cannot love a woman very deeply and grieve for her when she's no longer there.

    You might feel that "gay" fits your feelings best at the moment, but sometimes it's just a convenient temporary label. You've got to allow yourself to explore your feelings. There are several possiblilities and gay and straight are only two of them.

    There are a lot of people on here who can relate you your situation, either because they are there now, or because they have been there. Look out of the threads for peole and chat using their wall. You can't do PM until you're approve as a full member - but eventually you should be able to discuss things more privately, if you wish, although discussions via threads help others to offer their insights and recognize situations they are in too.

    Don't be afraid to ask questions. On t'écoute!
     
  3. Gravity

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    Hey there! For what it's worth, it sounds like you've made some impressive strides already- you've come out to (some) family and friends, which is a huge step. And getting back into therapy and onto the antidepressants, since they were prescribed to you initially, is also great news. :slight_smile: I agree that long term the result is to get independent, but in the meantime, if they help, then they help.

    Noticing your feelings of guilt towards your ex-girlfriend is a pretty big step too, I think. It can be pretty common but not easily recognized.

    So congratulations so far! Don't forget to pat yourself on the back for what you've already done as you go along.
     
  4. kumpel

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    just because you are attracted to guys now doesnt diminish the relationship youve had with your ex girlfriend. if your feelings were real and what you felt for each other was true then what else matters? dont hang yourself up on terms like gay or straight. it is what it is. do what makes you happy..

    hope that helped
     
  5. kdalaryd

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    hi kumpel,

    "do what makes you happy". true but there are other people around who get hurt if I did what makes me happy. it makes me so happy to hold and caress my ex girlfriend only to find myself manic-depressed the day after. I think that I betray her by having these intense need for male companionship or love (?). the next day I hurt her by telling her that this doesnt work out. I feel relieved and depressed. and the day after I miss her and thinking about her smile and eyes close to mine I feel manic. In the words of Leonard Cohen: "I need you, I dont need you". so the thing that makes me happy is being alone I guess. thanks alter.
     
  6. weboflies

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    I've long held the belief that there are two separate halves of sexuality; emotional and physical, and they don't always match up. Personally I define myself as "homoromantic pansexual" because while I can find myself physically attracted to people of any gender, emotionally and romantically I'm only interested in men and know that it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to make a romantic connection with someone who isn't.

    EDIT: However, when I come out to people I just say "bisexual", it's simpler and doesn't confuse people like my personal identity might
     
  7. kdalaryd

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    Thanks Weboflies, this label is so intruigingly complex that it might just be right for me. however it is too early for me to define myself since in the manic phases of my bipolar condition I m a happy eloquent bisexual flirting with girls and some guys (knowing that I can love both) while in the depressed phases the idea of being gay only makes me terribly sad and thoughts about my ex-girlfriend trigger horrible feelings of guilt. In the manic phases I KNOW that I m bi or straight, while in the depressed phases I KNOW that I am gay. just reading my diary I realise how confused I still am.
    In 'normal' phases I often long for guys as I long for the brother or father I never had and want to kiss, hold hands and hug (mostly my male friends no matter how they look). I want to hold them and stroke them, maybe lie next to them and fall asleep. the idea of getting physically intimate (unfortunately!?) still doesnt work for me. In 'normal' phases I want to have sex with girls but am checking out cute guys (mostly comparing their looks to mine wondering who is more attractive) and girls. When I have eye contact with any of them I feel embarrassed but more ashamed and 'weird' if it is a guy. This can easily trigger a depressive phase.
    +for a strange reason I think that guys wouldnt hurt me as much as girls would so I m emotionally distant. I think it would be easier for me to be with guys for my history with girls is emotionally laden.
     
  8. kumpel

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    hey kdalaryd. i see what you mean. but she is your ex correct? are you guys still in a relationship? it would be one thing to still be with her and think about being with guys. it seems you are still testing the waters of your sexuality. the only way to know for sure is just go for it. if you like it great. if not then great also. the reason that you might be depressed when you say you are gay is that you dont accept yourself being one.. being gay has a negative connotation in society.. and so i can see how it can be depressing. everybody just wants to be "normal". life is easier that way right?

    but if you look at it this way.. you are what you are.. dont try to put yourself in a category. if you fall in love does it make it wrong if its a boy or a girl? its still love right? you still feel the same way? you never know who you can form a bond with.

    i met a friend a few years back who i didnt even think twice about (not that he was a minger)(hes pretty fit) but after spending lots of time with him i grew to like him and developed feelings for him. first time falling for a guy btw. im not bothered.

    i dont feel guilty about my exes cause im now into a guy. because i know that i was genuinely attracted to them and my relationship wasnt fake. maybe im just more open about it. but would you feel guilty if you were attracted to another girl?

    sorry im not very good at giving advice but thats my two cents.

    btw british accents are sexy so atleast youve got that going. haha
     
  9. wonderman

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    I'm in the same boat as you, my thoughts of being gay has always been tough.
     
  10. kdalaryd

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    hey kumpel,

    me and my ex are not together but I think about her a lot. I now have to get some control over my manic-depression, for that I need to be alone. True, for the longest time I didnt accept my feelings for men, I didnt want to be the gay guy. Then a guy turns up who I want to be with (as what I dont know) and I questioned my relationship with my ex to the point that I couldnt be with her anymore - was I gay? Still, men dont appear in my sexual fanatasies and neither does he but I feel a strong emotional attraction to him and I sometimes feel a warmth when thinking about him. He is such a wonderful person but so is my ex. When she touches me I get a hard on (and am embarrassed trying to hide it from her), when I hug him I feel strange but also quite good. I was never much into hugging men.
    When she says I love you I cannot respond. Do I love her? Well, I miss her but it depends on the mood I am in.
    Then there are days when I only see guys around and think of some as very cute. I check them out. Until lately I did not allow myself to have these thoughts. Now that I allow them I feel better and I also see cute girls. I d rather sleep with girls but I dont long for an emotional relationship. With guys I dont want to have sex with but long for emotional bonding.
    Sometimes when I m with my straight or gay friends and have an urge to kiss them, no matter who it is. I think it would make me feel better and release my anxiety. It is a strange feeling. It is like telling them that I m bi/gay/whtsoever. yeah, maybe thats it. I realise that the men I have come out to I dont feel like kissing any longer.

    "would I feel guilty if I was attracted to another girl?". A little bit, I m modestly attracted to a friend's girlfriend and feel guilty for that. But I guess I feel more guilty when I m attracted to a man... then I want to lie down next to my ex and kiss her, make love to her. Until nagging thoughts pop up that my relationship with her was fake because I am gay. Not.


    +"homoromantic bisexual who loves lesbian soft porn" :wink:... could be a good label. But then I have never tried sex with a man. should probably do.

    btw I m not British, I m continental European, German is my mother tongue. eins zwei polizei.
     
    #10 kdalaryd, Aug 13, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2012