Dealing with anxiety helped me to come out at 38

[olin]

Wow, it's been quite a journey.

About a year and a half a go, I was depressed, and in the course of talking it through with my friend and a doctor, I came out to both of them. I had known for some time before that, at least a few years, but my anxiety issues made it difficult to accept that.

Over the course of the year, I really dealt with the anxiety issues, and eventually had a six-month work-related trip across the country in a much more gay-friendly place. And I did what I need to do--I mostly went to gay events, and had people just see me as gay and accept me for what I was. It seems like a paradox but to see myself as gay, I needed someone else to see me as gay without question.

Since I got back (a little over a month), I have come out to a number of people, friends past and present, and my parents, some on Facebook, some on the phone, and some in person. (I'm over double digits now, although I never realized how long this would take!) Everyone has been supportive, although I seem to sometimes feel great afterwards and other times feel uncomfortable hours later. I still can't figure out what the pattern is there. But ultimately, it's one of the greatest acts of self love I've ever had, and I'm far more hopeful for the future than I've been in a long time.

I still haven't figured out how to tell my married twin brother with kids, which seems to be a hang up for me, but I know that time is coming, too!

[Ianthe]

Hi, Welcome to Empty Closets!

Congratulations on your self acceptance and coming out. It's always wonderful to hear positive stories.

Did you want to talk some more about your brother? Do you have any idea why it's particularly difficult with him? Is there any reason to suppose he will react badly?

[karl178]

Congrats on coming out, especially as you managed to cover a wide range of friends and family. Hopefully the positive reactions will reduce the anxiety you have been feeling. In my view, coming out at 38 is not so different than coming out as a 18 year old - although we might have some more life experience, we also still look for acceptance from those that matter to us. Anyhow, well done, would be great to hear more about your story if you like to share.

[dl72]

Congrats. Good for you. I have a twin brother as well, who is married, no kids yet, and I have not come out to him either. I have not come out to many at all, so I applaud you for doing so.

[55]

Welcome to EC, Olin! You'll love it here!

I came out to my twin brother at age 56 last winter. I had been married for 35 years and had 3 children. For me, telling him was by far the most difficult, partly because he was the first sibling I told, but also because I was afraid of losing the one still-living person I'd been with since day 0.

It went well. He was surprised, but very supportive. He lives a few hours from me now and we don't talk much on the phone, so we haven't talked much about it since then, but I know he still loves me just as much as he always has!

Best of luck in your journey.

55

[olin]

I will likely eventually come out to him. It's just with twins, you are compared to each other a lot when you are growing up, moreso than most siblings. If anything, I just need more time for that one.

[JB75]

I'd like to add my congrats, Olin. I'm 37 and came out in April. Since then I've told all my close friends and parents. Like you, I've learned that its a process and sometimes its easy and others can be difficult. I don't have a twin but I too haven't talked to my brother yet. He's older than me and we live on opposite sides of the country but i still want to talk in person.

As a friend noted the other day, 2012 was supposed to be the end of the world. I guess in a a way it is for us, just a better one where we can finally be who we are!

[55]

Originally Posted by olin

I will likely eventually come out to him. It's just with twins, you are compared to each other a lot when you are growing up, moreso than most siblings. If anything, I just need more time for that one.

I agree. There are also studies about the probability of the other twin being gay if one is.

I often wonder if his orientation will be questioned once more people know about mine. And then there's the added burden of having to say, "yes, I'm the gay one" or "no, I'm not the gay one" at family and class reunions.

It does take on a different dimension!

[olin]

Yeah, it's an interesting topic. While my mom was an only child, my uncle on my dad's side is gay. My brother was always more of a stereotypical "player" than I was. I always find interpreting interests as complicated in the sexuality spectum (stereotypes are stereotypes), but he was more consistently interested in sports, watching and playing, and I was more interested in books and music. But then again, we both did some sports, and both did OK in school.

I feel like I've stalled a bit coming out to people, but mostly because they are busy with the ending of summer. Gotta keep on going....

[olin]

And re: anxiety. It's something that has at times been a small part of my life, and at other times been a large part of mylife. A lot of what I've read says that anxiety is partly not willing to be able to deal with yourself, in part to avoid the emotional consequences of doing so. Sometimes that's forced, like when looking for a job after school. But sexual identity is something that's fairly easy to avoid dealing with for a long time, and in a sense, managing anxiety was required before I could come out (and still have to deal with it to a degree). The most important thing is to accept that you need to have negative emotions to end up happy in the long run, and to DO things while recognizing that you need to proceed at your own pace.