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What do you feel when you finally accept being gay?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by Temujin, Jan 23, 2008.

  1. Temujin

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    What do you feel after you've accepted it? Reason I ask is because since writing my coming out letter to my parents, I feel things i've never really felt before. Frankly, they're so profound that i'm thinking i'm in denial that i've truly accepted it in much the same way I was in denial about being gay.

    My senses are processing things much differently than i'm accustomed to. I actually feel raindrops touch the earth. I hear birds singing to each other hidden in the trees around me, but it's different than before...almost like the trees are talking to me. Before last week I can honestly say that I never heard these things. They were there, yes, but it was as though my senses filtered everything out that I couldn't use to fuel my hate.

    I hated everything, everyone; I didn't need a reason and in cases where I did I made something up. Now, the hate and anger I felt for so many years are diminishing. I still have questions but the answers just don't matter anymore. I don't want to use the "weight off my shoulders" analogy because it's more profound than that. Actually, i'm sitting here trying to find the words to describe it but I can't.

    For the first time everything feels "right". I'm looking forward to dating and the challenges that will come with it. I'm able to look beyond the carnal urges and daydream about the kind of moments that make love meaningful.

    I dunno. I'm just at a loss for words trying to describe how I feel, but perhaps that's why it feels soooo empowering; like trying to hold sunlight in your hand.

    Anyone else want to try explaining?
     
  2. ccdd

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    I am so happy that you finally feel this way!! :slight_smile:

    I am not truly accepting of myself all of the time, but when I am, the feeling is so completely indescribable and elated - I cannot wait to feel like this forever, without the fear setting in. But I definately feel as though everything is *right*, and that the *rightness* of it all outweighs any negatives that may come along with accepting you're gay/bisexual, and living that life.

    See my post "I am so happy!" on the "Support and Advice" board for my attempted explanation of my absolutely profoundly happy feelings I get when I accept myself!

    Hopefully this link'll work to that post:

    http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6023

    I'm so happy for you :slight_smile:
     
  3. Jim1454

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    You've defined 'serenity'. You're finally 'at peace' with yourself and you're starting to integrate the real you into your surroundings. I am doing the same thing.

    There is no longer a 'shell' or 'facade' protecting the 'real' me from the outside world, and as a result I'm able to experience that world in ways that I've NEVER been able to do before. It really is in some ways undescribable...

    And just wait until you truly fall in love! If you think you have trouble describing how you feel now, you'll be at a total loss for words when you find that special someone and make that very special connection for the very first time. I have done just that in the last few months, and he and I both have trouble putting into words how we feel about each other. It's undescribable indeed.

    Congratulations. You've waited a long time - and you deserve the serenity that you're experiencing now. Enjoy!
     
  4. Temujin

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    Thank you!

    Shit. Now i'm crying. dubya tee eff This is an emotional kaleidoscope.
     
  5. Jim1454

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    I had to think about that WAY too long! :eusa_doh:
     
  6. tayana

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    I felt a lot of relief because I'd been thinking there was something very wrong with me.
     
  7. Cheese Love

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    Well... I experienced accepting that I am gay, and then really accepting it. At first I just felt really sad, and I'm still working on that second part... But I continue to be more and more relieved and at peace, espcecially when those few people I've told still treat me like the same old person.
     
  8. Zeraphath

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    I know what you all mean. When I finally admitted the truth to myself it was like the world went from black and white to color. I also felt something I hadn't felt ever. Liberated.

    BTW...CONGRATS!!!
     
    #8 Zeraphath, Jan 23, 2008
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2008
  9. s5m1

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    Your post really hits home with me. You described what I am going through right now, as I am accepting myself for the first time after decades of denial and repression. I feel so much less stress and anger. Instead of dwelling on my sexuality nearly every waking moment, I am now able to think about other things. My concentration at work is so much better. I am a better parent. I feel at peace. Jim's choice of the word "serenity" really says it.
     
  10. LorenzG1950

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    First of all, welcome Temujin, from a fellow late-comer. It’s just about 2 years now since I had my eyes opened. At 56, it made me feel very stupid at first, but I was too overjoyed to spend much time reflecting on what I missed.

    These are in no particular order:

    • Satisfaction – I spent years researching my own sexuality, trying to figure out where I fit in. Now I finally knew and it felt soooooo good.
    • Excitement – I had so many things to do, like come out to friends and relatives, learn more about gay life, and those wonderful first experiences, hugging and kissing a guy, etc.
    • Happiness – first dates, boyfriends, wow! Knowing that you are accepted by family and friends, and your boss.
    • Sadness – when first relationships don’t work out, the first pains of jealousy, finding out how much you need to learn about yourself and what kind of a relationship you really want.
    • Amazement – pieces of a puzzle start falling into place. Things in your past start making sense and you realize that a whole new life has begun.
    • Surprise – you meet so many new people who are warm and loving. You become more sensitive to discrimination in any form and get interested in gay rights.
    • Romance – finding someone you love and care about is about the greatest thing that can happen to you, as Jim already noted. Songs take on a whole new meaning and you find yourself floating on clouds, drifting in a sea of emotions you might never have experienced before.

    And that’s just the beginning. There will be many mornings when you wake up wondering whether all this is really happening to you. The good feeling lasts and lasts. You’ll have a great time in the coming months. Trust me. Enjoy the rollercoaster ride and report your experiences here at EC so others can benefit, even us older folks :eusa_danc .
     
  11. Hollywood

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    Relief, acceptance, excitment, joy.

    however, until you are fully out, at least for me, i always felt sort of dirty and shameful until i was out to everyone that mattered.
     
  12. Alexander

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    I felt happy, excited, relieved, relaxed, tired. THen I thought about it and felt tense, stressed, and oh-so worried. NOW I feel content with it, and at peace.
     
  13. Luroon

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    When I came out, I mellowed out quite a bit as well. When I was trying to be straight, I did things I thought the other guys did to impress girls, and me doing those things was awkward and such because obviously thats not how I roll. Upon coming out, I just act natural around everyone and it is certainly easier to be social.
     
  14. Paul_UK

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    As the above few posters said, it's great just being able to be yourself without having to constantly hide things or be careful what you say and do etc. When you are not out you may think that the constant hiding etc is not that stressful but once you are out you'll realise how much stress it actually was.
     
  15. Suede7

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    Tremujin,

    My Friend what you have just described is "the Power". For all of us who have walked in your shoes we each try to find our own words to describe our transformation. Truth is, there will never be words enough to express how you're feeling. Precisely why this is nothing short of a "miracle."
    Again, when you were still in the "dark" you never really knew "Love" but it is possible you wanted to. We all want to feel love, especially when others describe how awesome it is. The fact is we can't until we love ourselves first. And so you have begun now to Love yourself. This is life, your life the way it should be. Yes your hate and anger will wither to an all time low and the love you will feel for others will not compare to your past but will amaze you on all levels.

    " No emotion in the universe holds the esteemed position that Love has over all things."

    Continue to Love your new life my Friend.......is'nt this Awesome!!?

    "Feel the Power" :icon_wink
    Stay Strong & Press On!!

    Suede7
    Delray Beach, FL
     
  16. VomAnderenUfer

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    I felt an overwhelming sense of relief and freedom when I came out to the first couple of people. I was very lucky to have been in the most supportive environment possible for coming out, an artsy place where being gay is the norm.

    Afterwards, I hit the real world. I still felt the occasional sense of freedom and relief but it was mixed with dread when I finally understood and accepted my feelings for other women. I encounter a lot of homophobia where I'm originally from and with my family. I'm pretty confident that if my family knew, they would eventually accept me and turn it down, but of course I'm going to have to deal with the homophobia until I move. It's getting better though. The dread primarily stems from the fact that I'm not *entirely* ok with being a lesbian. I'm sure it'll get better, and I'll stop caring what other people think. Why would I want the respect of intolerant bigots anyways?

    Overall: It's an awesome feeling.
     
  17. Seanboy23

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    OMG! :grin::grin::grin: Yes! You have put into words something I have been forever trying to convey to people to make them understand the total power of this process, and that it goes SO far beyond anything of a sexual nature.

    Colors ARE brighter, details all around me more noticeable; the entire world around me seems more focused, in a clear yet intangible way. It's almost as though all this time I was covered by the thinnest veil, made from the heaviest material.

    Make no mistake, I love being out and proud, I love all my gay friends, and I LOVE experiencing the physical/emotional aspects of being with the gender that I'm attracted to. But I also love that my smile is bigger and brighter, that I enjoy every waking moment no matter what it brings, that I now understand what true love is, both for a mate and all of my friends and family.

    And I love the feeling of just being more "here", more present, in my world.
     
  18. Wander

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    I haven't come out to any real-life people yet, but I do remember what it was like to come out to myself. Once I got past the self-loathing and "I can fix it if I try" stages, I felt like the lights had been turned on. A whole load of stress had just floated away, my head was cleared, and felt so much more focused. It's faded a little since then, but I still feel that it's not such a big deal any more. I was able to shed that constant worry and fear to move on and concentrate on more important things.
     
  19. silentsound

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    It feels like a brick wall in my brain has been broken down. 'I am gay. Ok, that's chill. So now what? Now go live your life.' I feel like I can see everything clearer now. It's like a switch from black and white to full color. I feel uplifted because things are allowed to be brighter. I can allow myself to think of other things because this isn't engulfing my mind and body. I can look at the world around me and appreciate it and live in it because I don't have to be afraid of it anymore. Suddenly I am allowed to be myself in my own head, and that is the greatest gift of sanity you can give yourself. The world opens up when you stop obsessing over something so... trivial. For the first time in a long time... I feel totally and completely alive.
     
  20. riddlerno1

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    when i did come out to myself, i felt relieved that i was being truthful to myself , however as im not out to any real life people i still feel like absolute agony! there are times i want to blurt it out to everyone and others when i just have no idea whats going to happen to me!