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Telling my family that I am a Genderqueer

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by AtheistWorld, Aug 24, 2012.

  1. AtheistWorld

    AtheistWorld Guest

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    Growing up, I always knew I was different. The first time I ever fantasized about being a woman was when I was 15. Having been raised in fairly homophobic secular Catholic family, I erased that wacky idea from my mind entirely. Fortunately for me, I had heard about others experiencing it - that certainly was comforting, because then I knew I wasn't the only person who thought about these sort of things. I also never hated that about myself because I've never really been religious. What I hated was the thought of getting abused for being a genderqueer, which is why I only let my closest friends know about my secret.

    My differences didn't become clear until I was 19 around the time I first started to realize the fact that I'm genderqueer. Initially, I tried to reject my impulses to crossdress, thinking they would just go away after a while. They did not, so eventually I resolved the nagging doubts by accepting myself. It wasn't easy, especially in the beginning, but afer doing research and discovering online communities I've concluded that it's the best thing for me. Like I said, I've never hated my status of being a genderqueer, even if it made others abhor me - Realizing I needed to focus on bettering my life and the support of the online genderqueer community was the most critical thing that pushed me to come out.

    On the opposite spectrum, hiding it was so futile - I'd compare it to hiding that you have Bipolar Disorder or that you are allergic to onions. Downplaying it orattempting to eliminate it doesn't change the fact that it's still a part of you. Additionally hiding it is so toxic. I couldn't ever be happy if I was still unopen about this.

    My genderqueer identity did surface in subtle ways though. For one, I was never into sports whatsoever. Even when other kids were playing sports, I'd either be reading or playing with Barbies, something I did secretly at home when nobody else was around. As a kid I certainly never pondered about my gender identity though; in fact, I thought the female aspects of my personality would disappear permanently when I was in high school. Another way it showed itself is when I started to get overly concerned about my appearance, although everyone just took it as me being metrosexual. This couldn't be further from the truth. I wanted to become a woman so bad, yet dressing like a metrosexual was the closest I could get to it. I started to shave my entire body of all its hair, I started to listen to pop music obsessively and I began to wear women's underwear.

    Throughout high school, I was addicted to porn, lesbian porn in particular. During one really erotic scene I started to want to experience lesbian sex myself. I started to get fixated on crossdressing the more I thought about it. Worsening it, I was dating a girl who was encouraging me to explore my female side. Knowing what was happening, I tried my best to suppress the urges. The high school I went to was very anti-LGBT, so the last thing I wanted was for people to hear about my gender identity issues, because my life would've turned into a terrible hell. My ex girlfriend increased my urges tenfold though, but luckily she didn't influence me to come out. If I had done it then, it wouldn't have turned out so well. The funny thing is I would kill to have someone as supportive as she is now.

    After I graduated and started attending the university, I started to become more open to the idea due to learning about gender/psychological issues. Learning new facts about this stuff punctuated the need to open up to everyone about this - otherwise I'd be depressed, because it'd still be eating at me.

    Afterwards, I felt more inspired to come out. The combination of having learned about gender identities and my ex girlfriend's support was enough to propel me to admit to my family and friends that I am a genderqueer. Sure, it took me a while, but doing it was the most important thing I've ever done.
    On my 23rd birthday, I came out as a genderqueer. My family wasn't happy, but they've slowly come to accept it. It's really great that I haven't been disowned by anyone so far since that was one of my biggest fears about coming out. Most of them are indifferent, except my mom who supports me all the way. Her support has been liberating because it's empowered me to do things I probably wouldn't have done like going out as a female. It goes without saying that it's such a relief that they didn't overreact to the news or cut ties with me.

    I consider myself to be gender fluid. Some days I feel manly; other days I feel completely like a woman. When that happens I spend lots of time making myself look as pretty as possible. At first it was so thrilling but now it's just another part of my experience, though I really do enjoy being a female. I've gotten good at changing my voice to its appropriate gender, which has been critical for my daily routine. I love facets of being a male and a female. Usually I wear a dress and high heels on my female days, but if I'm lazy I'll just wear a thirt and jeans. But one thing I always wear on my female days is a wig to accentuatethat I'm a woman.

    Occasionally I do wish I could be a girl, but my current situation is a lot better than it used to be. Besides, I get the best of both worlds now, so I can't fathom it getting better than this.
     
  2. silkfrog1292

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    You write well, and it's a heartfelt and moving tale of acceptance you have posted here. Congratulations on accepting yourself and being ok with who you are! :slight_smile:
     
  3. AtheistWorld

    AtheistWorld Guest

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    Thanks for the kind response.