About five hours ago I went over to my dad’s place with my mom to tell him I’m gay. I just said it, without beating around the bush. Just like I did with everyone else. There was a pretty long pause, and he immediately asked me why I thought so and I told him my life story about why I know I am. Including my talks with my therapist, and my realizations. He was silent after I told him and my mom saw what was coming and told me to go wait in the car. I did, and my mom came out of the house crying. Apparently my dad told her to “get the fuck out of the house” and he also said something along the lines of “Fuck this. Fuck therapists.” For a long time I was depressed. I can understand why kids commit suicide after encounters like that. I was just about ready to, and I feel just as bad now. I went to my brother and we talked and got me back onto my feet. Then I went to my grandparents who also offered support. My mom and I got back to our house after doing some rather happy grocery shopping and I realized that my dad had left a message for me on my answering machine. He told me to call him, and he sounded really cheery about it on the message. The call wasn’t a good one. Here’s how it went. 99 percent of this is the exact dialogue. There was much more pausing though, and the call took about 5 minutes to end. It was a really long call for me. Dad: Are you at home? Me: Yes. Dad: Where are you? Me: In my room, why? Dad: Good, you’re away from your mom. Let’s talk. (At first I thought that he was about to talk rationally to me. I was really excited for it.) Dad: You’re not gay. Me: Well, I am. (Long pause) Dad: No you’re not. You’re confused. (His voice started getting harsher at this point) Me: I’m sorry to say that I’m not, Dad. Dad: No, this isn’t possible, it isn’t in our family! Me: That doesn’t matter. I am gay. Dad: No you’re not, it’s just some bullshit that some fucking therapist put in your head! Me: Dad, I’m sorry that you feel that way. (I thought he had hung up the phone at this point. The pause was so long) Dad: You’d better be sorry for making me feel this way. Me: Dad, I’m sorry, but you’re responsible for your own feelings, and I’m going to let you go now. Dad: Goodbye. Me: Bye… So that’s it. We all thought that my dad wouldn’t get angry at me, and instead he would be angry at everyone else, but now it seems like he’s turned against me. That last goodbye wasn’t normal. It was a goodbye for good. I think that’s it. I think that’s the end of my relationship with my dad. I expected things to go better, but in that phone call, his voice sounded so threatening that I changed the key code to the garage, removed the secret keys around the house, and started writing this. I’m terrified right now, and I could really use some help. :tears::tears::tears::goodevil::starwars::tears:
Awwwwwwwww...what a shame. (*hug*) I can only hope that your dad comes to his senses and realises that it's better to have a gay son than no son at all in his life. Have you told your mum about the phone call? I think it's important that she knows how it went and what you think it meant for you future relationship with your Father. I really did NOT like how he made it sound like it was all your fault and that he was the one suffering. Don't dwell on your Father, you still have your mum and brother who still love and support you. Wish I could say more... (*hug*)
Can't be much better said than the way ForceAndVerve put it. Your dad acting that way is so messed up.. It's behavior like that that makes coming out so scary for people. Maybe in time he'll realize the error in the way he's acting, and this is just an impulse reaction, or maybe he'll never change. Either way, you still have the rest of your family, others, and everyone here at EC to accept you and know you've done nothing wrong.
My dad just called back and was in his nice mode again on the answering machine trying to get me to call him back. He did this before to get me to call him the first time. I'm going to give him a few days and then answer a call. :bang: ---------- Post added 25th Aug 2012 at 06:27 PM ---------- Thanks. I've expected to lose my relationship with my dad at some point for a long time now. I guess that time is just here.
Robin, first, (*hug*) As horrible as it sounds, what I think you're seeing is the first two stages of someone processing a loss (in this case, loss of his perception of you as straight.) denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance Most straight men suck at processing emotions, particularly ones associated with loss. What comes up in a case like this is fear, and that's quickly replaced by anger, along with self-loathing and a sense of failure (that's really obvious from the "you'd better be sorry by making me feel this way" So the "You're not gay" is denial... and when you pierce through that with "No, Dad, this is really how I am", then the anger comes up. Remember that you've had years to process this and he's only heard about it for the first time. And men in particular, when they feel out of control, lash out in anger. He feels out of control, and is probably blaming himself. And while it sucks, it's also a normal way that a man who isn't good with his emotions would respond. I would lay money on the fact that the "goodbye" you got isn't permanent at all. He's angry, doesn't know what to do, feels out of control, and has to deal with feelings he isn't used to. Once he has a chance to think, and calm down, and process the anger, I think he'll come to his senses. It might take a day or a week or a month, but it will happen. I'm pretty confident of that.
Oh man, this is depressing Here, have a hug. (*hug*) ForceAndVerve and The Spark totally took the words out of my mouth. But what I will add is that judging by the fact, that he said "It's not possible, it isn't in our family" makes me wonder if he actually thinks there are gay families... (?) and doesn't know much about homosexuality. Maybe he did some research and found that his initial assumptions and thoughts were total BS.. Maybe you should try and explain to him what being gay actually means?
I'm really sorry it went that badly for you. I think that everything will boil over for your dad and it will be fine, but in all honesty, if he can't accept it, that's his loss. If you really feel threatened, ask if you could stay at a friend's for a few days, or get the police involved?
Aww its a shame things didn't go well this time but I think your dad just needs some time to take it all in. At least he is still trying to talk to you so it means he doesn't hate you
Wow! No fun. Hang in there and think positive, I think he is processing the whole thing and hopefully will come around in the near future. I think you did a great job of responding to him. Be patient!!!!!! Good luck.
Just hang in there! Everybody deals with things in their own way, denial is really common for parents to start with. Here's a useful link if it helps: Empty Closets - Parent and Family Stages of Grief I hope it helps. I speak from experience, because my dad is doing pretty much the same thing, but it slowly becoming more accepting. As I said, everybody deals with things in their own way and pace. A bit of advice that I heard from another user on EC is that some parents don't want their children to grow up so fast, because dealing with your sexuality just isn't normally something that the young you would have to be doing. Just give him time and things will come around, I promise! If you want to talk with me, just send me a message on my wall (*hug*)
Robin, I'm very sorry for your father's reaction. (*hug*) But I want to say right off the bat that based on the dialogue your provided, its sounds like you handled yourself extremely well! I don't think most people would have the courage to stay so calm and and provide such sensical responses. I know that feel. When I came out to my parents as gay (they still don't know about being trans) my mother asked me, "How could you do this to me?" Let me tell you, you have no reason whatsoever to feel guilt. What you did, was tell him the truth instead of continuing a lie. You did him a favor, and all you can do is hope hecomes around. Best of luck. You can always write on my wall if you are needing someone to talk to (*hug*)
Your dad's a prick. Anyone who looks at a coming-out as a personal affront ("You’d better be sorry for making me feel this way"), especially after having time to mull it over, is being a selfish asshole. As you well know, this wasn't about him - this was about you. Chances are decent that he'll temper his position as time goes on. But that's in the future. Right now, stick with the people who accept you for you. Lex
Seriously..I know how you feel with your dad. I had prepared myself to have him out of my life when I told him. I think if he give you the oppurtunity you should educate him a little bit and try to get him to understand.
Hi Robin, I'm so sorry about your dad. But at least you don't live with him and it sounds like your mom and your brother are supportive.
Eff!! I think when a parent or a friend or anyone for that matter behaves that way, it's a tell on who they are... and not their gay loved one. Give him time, though.
