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I just left my wife

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by maxx, Aug 30, 2012.

  1. maxx

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    Since coming out to her about 2 months ago, I've been trying to figure out where to go from here. It became clear to me that I needed to act on my gay nature and have relationships with men (or hopefully just one special man).

    I let my feelings known to my wife today and she said she couldn't accept competing for my affections with men and that she needed to be primary in the relationship - which I totally understand. As a result, it became clear that the only choice for me was to separate. She wanted to continue to try to make it work - but that would have meant that I would need to suppress who I now know I am. She said if I left, that I couldn't come back... and I left... I completely respect her stance - she deserves the best, and I can no longer provide that to her.

    I'm staying at a hotel until I figure out something longer term...

    Being authentic is the hardest thing I've ever done. I hope one day my wife will realize that it was the best for both of us - but that day will be a long time coming.

    To anyone who reads this who is thinking they can suppress their gay nature and want to enter into a heterosexual marriage, please think carefully. I've upended the life of a wonderful woman at the age of 49 and feel like a total douchebag - yet I felt I had no choice. To stay in the marriage would have caused increasing bitterness and resentment. Please learn from my lesson and don't repeat the costly mistakes I've made.

    Love,
    Maxx
     
  2. Thewitt

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    Wow. I admire that fact that you were honest with yourself and with your wife. I hope everything works out for the best
     
  3. Ianthe

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    Oh, that's really hard.

    You did the right thing, though. It really is best, for her, too, not just for you. She would have felt your resentment, and it would have hurt her. This hurts too, but it will be able to heal.

    Congratulations on taking this very difficult step towards a new life. (*hug*)
     
  4. Lexington

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    It sounds like you did what you had to do...for both of you. All the best to both of you on your continuing journey.

    Lex
     
  5. solost44

    solost44 Guest

    Maxx,
    As someone who has been following your journey, I know that the decision to separate had to be agonizing for you. Although you may not want to hear it, I admire your bravery. Despite the hurt she is feeling right now, think that one day your wife will come to realize that your decision to leave was one that was in the best interest for both of you.

    Remember to hang in there, you have the rest of us ol' geezers here whenever you need us.
     
  6. BNQ2012

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    That must be so incredibly hard. In some situations, even the best solution results in someone or more than one getting hurt. I wish you both the best!
     
  7. Chip

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    You've totally made the right choice, even though it hurts both of you, quite a bit, right now. Authenticity is definitely a bitch.

    No doubt your wife was hoping/expecting a different outcome when she gave you the ultimatum of "If you leave, you can't come back", but that doesn't change the facts about who you are, and the long-term prospects for your marriage. I suspect that in issuing the ultimatum, and asking you to continue to try, she was trying to maintain denial about the reality of the situation.

    I think she might come around sooner than you think. Maybe not next week, but probably not months or years, either. Ultimately, though, doing this now gives her (and you) both the chance to live full lives with people each of you can truly connect to.

    I wish you the best. Please keep in touch about what's going on.
     
  8. Lad123

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    I've been following your story from the start (lurking at my best) and I just have to say I'm so sorry the marriage has come to an end. I know how much you love your wife. Although perhaps it was for the best because now you can live your life they way you have always pictured it to be. Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  9. J Snow

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    I'm sorry that you had to go through this, but I believe it was the best for both of you.

    Sadly these stories are far too common. I admire you for sharing your story for the benefit of others.

    I'm sure things will get better from here though =] Best of luck (*hug*)
     
  10. Mango

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    It's most probably best that you've made this move. The only problem as I see it, is that you've invested so much quality time together. Surely there must be some friendship bond between the two of you. Not all sexual relationships are long term ones. Far too many sexually fulfilled relationships lack depth in other areas of the relationship.

    I most probably would have asked for a temporary separation, in order to fully pioneer and explore this 'new' emotional territory, first. So many people, don't measure up to so many expectations, in so many ways...

    IMHO, you should always keep what cha got, until you actually get what cha want.

    OTOH, if you were miserable, there's no point in living in complete misery...
     
  11. Dummy

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    You did the right thing. Sounds like your wife was very understanding too. Hope it all works out for you...(*hug*)
     
  12. The14Me

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    Dear Maxx,
    I appreciate your willingness to share your story here at EC.
    I do wish you & your wife the best as you continue your journey of discovery.
    Being & or finding the authentic self is something I have struggled with for some time now. I admire your courage.
    Hugs!!
     
  13. featherpaint

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    hey maxx- just want to say I totally agree with you-I came out to my wife after two years of marriage(together 8 years) and through alot of bumps in the road,we are still best friends but are separating.


    "Being authentic is the hardest thing I've ever done." So true!!!!!!! It's tough being fully authentic but worth it completely after everything is said and done.I wish you the best...!!! keep on keepin' on..
     
  14. swimmy

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    Maxx,

    Thank you for sharing this. As alot of us on here are discovering, the only way to live life is to be true to ourselves and our true feelings not our expected or conditioned feelings.

    Your comment about supressing our gay nature is so true.

    Good luck to you and your wife.

    Jim
     
  15. maxx

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    My wife has been getting support from her friends and family, which is great - and which also now means I'm out to a lot more people - including my mother (who is now 81). She said that she loves me regardless and that it must have taken a lot of courage to come out and to be true to who I am. She knows that I never intended to hurt anyone and just needed to stop living the lie. She hopes I can find someone that I truly care about, that will give me the love and affection I need - and that she's always in my corner - and she talked to my Aunt as well, who said the same thing. Families (and Moms in particular) can be pretty darn amazing - even when they are 81.

    Maxx
     
  16. EM68

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    Maxx you did what you needed to do. It would be be unfair and destructive to both of you to keep your relationship going. Both of you are going to have some ups and downs but you will be better off in the long run.
     
  17. lovedwidow32

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    Hello EM68 I am new to this site and if you need to talk I am here for you. Follow your heart and it will never lead you the wrong way. Feel free to send me a PM if want to.
     
  18. EM68

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    Hi there. I've been on EC for several years. I am in a great place. I'm fully out and married to the man of my dreams. :slight_smile:
     
  19. olin

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    I admire what you've done, Maxx. I never marries, but I was fixed up with women for years, which never really worked out because it never felt right, and even worse when I was questioning. And since I've been out, I've still been fixed up with a woman by someone who didn't know. (He texted me, "are you single?" to which I responded, "yes, but give me a call." Next thing I know she was sending me emails.) But it's best to be honest with others (I told both of them) because in the long run it's being honest with yourself.
     
  20. Jim1454

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    This was so good to hear. I'm glad you're finding the love and acceptance that you deserve and need very much right now.

    I hope that you and your wife can remain good friends going forward. There's no reason not to - but not everyone can get beyond the hurt and take the high road when it comes to these kinds of situations.

    Good luck.